With a wedding coming up, and regular life going on, it seems the panic attacks and anxiety are back with a vengeance. "Pride cometh before a fall..." because I thought I was just doing so great and coping so well. I was putting all my tools to use - deep breathing, prayers, sleep, exercise, general positivity. It was working so great, until it wasn't. I also haven't been to therapy in a long time...'cuz I've been doing so well! But, as my fiance pointed out...maybe I had been doing so well because of the therapy. And at the same time, I don't think my therapist even realizes just *how* messed up I am.
I just wonder sometimes what it feels like to live in a quiet mind, to live in a "normal" mind. In the past 2 weeks, I've probably had 3 major breakdowns. Like, pit of despair, full-blown panic attack, screaming and crying breakdowns where I just want it all to end. I can't even repeat the things I thought and said. I seriously wonder what is wrong with me at times, and then beat myself up over these reactions, but that's not a good response for someone trying to learn self-love.
So, I dragged myself to church Sunday. I had a huge fight with my fiance Friday night. I apologized, and we had a respectful, calm discussion Saturday, but damn if I didn't feel exhausted and beaten down and like a terrible person.
The prayer after communion Sunday (which was actually supposed to be for next week, I think, but our priest read it this week):
Complete within us, O Lord, we pray,
the healing work of your mercy
and graciously perfect and sustain us,
so that in all things we may please you.
Through Christ our Lord.
"The healing work of your mercy..." Those words cut right through the numbness and pain of an emotional hangover. God is merciful. His mercy can heal me. I started crying at that point in church. And finally, after several bad weeks in mental health, I felt a moment of peace again. Mercy is what will heal me, not judgment.
"Complete within us...the healing work of your mercy."
So beautiful. Bring it on!
Monday, August 18, 2014
I had a dream that my therapist called and had reviewed my file, and she had some stroke of insight that was going to “explain everything” and basically give me ALL THE ANSWERS. She called me and wanted to meet (of course, in the dream, it wasn’t actually my therapist, but a combination of one of my aunts and a lady I know who reminds me of said aunt - neither one look anything like my therapist). Anyway, I went to meet the therapist to get “all the answers.” We were in some kind of public building, maybe a large warehouse type store. And, although we were trying to meet in the usual way (talking, sitting down, facing one another on comfy chairs), we were constantly interrupted by shoppers, friends, passersby, people looking for the restroom, etc. In fact, I could see my file in her hands with ALL THE ANSWERS, and in the dream, although we managed to sit and chat for a bit, we never got to the ANSWERS part. And then I woke up.