Coming to Terms

There's a logic that many people cite when looking back on their childhood - "I was spanked, and I turned out okay."  To that, I say, "Congratulations.  You support assault and battery of an innocent, helpless child.  That child is you."  I was spanked, and I did not turn out okay.  And, if I had to guess, you really didn't either.

I'm tired of the justification.  I'm tired of hearing that it's good to "break the spirits" of children so they will learn obedience.  I'm tired of hearing that children need to learn to "submit" and bow down to authority.

I have come to believe that there is no such thing as tough love.  That's not love.  Love shouldn't hurt.

It took me until I was in my early 20s to realize that what my parents did to me was wrong.  And even then, I still thought the spanking part was okay, but that the other types of hitting were not.

It took me years into my first serious romantic relationship in college to stop flinching when my boyfriend would touch my face - to realize that it could be a gesture of love, not someone trying to slap or hit me.

It took me watching the beauty and innocence of the children in my life to realize that they are not bad.  They are not broken or fundamentally flawed.  They don't need breaking.  They don't need tough love.  They need love.  Gentle, patient, consistent, real love.  Humans are not animals that need their spirits broken into ultimate submission.  They are infuriating, sure.  They make mistakes, yes.  But, the only thing to heal our wounds is love, not more wounding.

Lord, deliver us and forgive us for the profound sins against one another, especially against those who are most helpless and innocent among us.  Protect your children.  Heal all of our wounds so that we may stop wounding one another and live in the peace of Your kingdom.    

  

A Gentle Lent

Okay, so I know Lent started last week, but I'm just now getting around to writing about my resolutions.

I gotta be honest here and just say it...I hate Lent. 

Sorry.

I didn't grow up with Lent.  I grew up Protestant/Calvinist, and there was tons of self-loathing year-round, but no Lenten resolutions.  We didn't fast, we didn't tithe, we didn't give alms.  That was all too "legalistic" and Lent was too close to that man-made Catholicism.

Fast forward a few decades, and here I am, a Catholic, trying to sort out Lent.  I've been Catholic for a few years now, and honestly, I feel like I'm just barely grasping what Lent is, what self-sacrifice is and what it is NOT, and what it means to offer things up.  I can't just white-wash my Protestant tendencies and go on a 40-day self-loathing binge.  That would actually be far too easy, and that is not what God or Lent is calling me to.     

It is really really hard for me to do Lent.  I want to fix all my problems in 40 days with fasting from everything, praying for everyone, building all new habits.  And, life just doesn't work like that.  I can't fast from eating meals due to health concerns (I can fast from delicacies, or certain foods, but not skip meals, doctor's orders.)  So, I'm left to my own creative devices for Lent.  In the past, I've given up television, Facebook, swearing, coffee creamer, salt, and other "creative" things.

This year, I'm just so weary.  Weary of the self-hatred.  Weary of hating Lent.  Weary of not really knowing how to fast or offer things up or be authentically Catholic.  I don't live like a monk, but I don't feel like there's much more I can do without.  So, what kept coming to mind this year was taking something on, not giving stuff up.  And, also, taking stuff on in a disciplined, yet kind, way.  Establishing a habit.  "Leaning in" to prayer or daily mass.  No beating myself up.  No wildly unrealistic expectations.   No self-loathing.  God is gentle.  Lent should be a gentle reminder. 


Here's what I've come up with:
This year, I'm going to try washing my dishes and making my bed every day.  (makes a big difference in a studio apartment without a dishwasher)

This year, I'm going to try to attend mass once during the week, in addition to Sunday mass.  (emphasis on *try* and emphasis on *once* per week, not every single day)

This year, I'm going to try to pray with more intention.  I'm going to pray during my commute (got a prayer CD to use), I'm going to offer my intentions as I pray.  The structure of formatted prayers, such as the rosary, is a huge help to my wandering mind as I pray.

This year, I'm going to try to go through my drawers and doors and closets and get rid of excess.  Not go crazy, but go one drawer or area at a time and make sure I am being a good steward and not wasteful of what I have.


This year, I'm going to try to give up meat on Fridays for Lent.  I already messed up last week on Friday, but I did manage to go without meat on Ash Wednesday.  I have to be honest, it was hard, but definitely do-able.


This year, I'm going to try to go to confession once a month (already a resolution from my birthday).  I've already been once this Lent.  It is a gentle reminder that God is mercy.  He desires to heal us from our sins, not beat us up.  If I keep this in mind, I can do Lent.

This year, I'm going to try to participate in Lenten practices that are new to me.  Last week, I went to Stations of the Cross for the first time.  


Maybe I don't hate Lent after all.  Maybe I just need to learn how to really practice it.  Maybe I only hated my warped perception of Lent.   


Thanks, EE, for the reminder and link up.


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Memories

It's funny - the things we hold on to. The scraps of paper that contain someone's handwriting, the phone numbers of those whose voices we will never hear again, the pictures of moments we have shared. The stuff of life. My priest always talks about how Catholics have "holy stuff."  We bless water, statues, animals, houses. We use oil, bread, wine, water, hands, incense, music, and more to convey our faith. It's truly an incarnational religion.  It envelopes our senses.

I used to think my stuff bogged me down. Sometimes I still do. But, I also long for more stuff. More tangible memories. More evidence of the good times. More touches of people I love and miss.  I want a shrine.  I want something to see, smell, look at.  Something to hold on to that reminds me that you were real.  You are real.  You loved me.  That love was real. 

I'm sick of burning bridges and dumping stuff. I want to hold on. To remember these moments. To smell the smells and hear the bells of life. I miss the sound of your voice. The smell of your perfume. I miss your spirit and your care. I miss your essence. Your being. I miss you.

I'm starting to know too many people on the other side of the veil. I hope for heaven in a different way than I used to. I'm no longer "assured" of salvation. I do hope for it. I long for communion with all, all at the same time. I long for the joy and the peace of those empty spots and holes in my heart to be bound up. Forever. Unity in community. Union. Communion.

Til we meet, til we meet, til we meet at Jesus' feet. Til we meet, til we meet, God be with you til we meet again.

February in Review - Love Is Kind

Well, first of all, where did this month go?!

Secondly, I have to say that this was a very difficult month, and I wish I had more time to explore Love Is Kind. Of course, I have the rest of my life, but all month, I kept thinking "oh, there's time to implement that," and there wasn't time. It didn't happen. What really happened is that I lived my life as usual with the nagging reminder that "Love Is Kind."  It usually reminded me at my worst, most unkind moments.

 I wish I could tell you what one kind thing I did for myself every day, or what one kind deed I did for another person each day. I wish I could tell you that I picked up a new habit of smiling at strangers, always holding the door, or changing my tone of voice to "permanently kind" voice. I didn't do any of those things. I barely made it through the month.

This short month, I have been sick for about half of it. I started feeling bad about 2 weeks ago, then finally got a full-blown illness last week, and this week I'm still recovering. I took only one day off work. I forced myself to. I wasn't getting enough sleep, much less the extra sleep one might need when fighting off an infection. I went to the doctor. I consider both of those an act of kindness to myself, although there was much inner protesting. I would never treat another person the way I treat myself...why don't I take care of myself?  Why am I so unkind to myself?  Why do I feel guilty taking time for me?  Growing up, we were really poor and never had insurance. Yearly checkups with the doctor are not anything I did as a kid. I went when I had chicken pox as a kindergartner. I went maybe 2-3 times between then and graduating high school. So, forcing myself to do yearly maintenance is difficult, but it's part of self-care, self-love, and kindness that I need to do without guilt.

The other thing that happened this month is that I had a dramatic, unexpected confrontation with someone in my life. She's pretty dramatic and confrontational in general. I'm surprised I made it this long without such an interchange, but it was very stressful. I talked to my therapist about it, and she helped me navigate the waters. I can't say I handled it perfectly, but I also feel like I did okay. Could have been a lot worse, and I didn't allow it to manipulate me or change my priorities. I made peace and moved on.  A year ago, I probably couldn't have done it. I would have rewarded the tantrum by appeasing this dramatic, confrontational person, but this year, I just don't have room for that. Ain't nobody got time for that. I wasn't especially kind or unkind to her. I believe I was seen as unkind because of her interpretation of me, and I did apologize for that. I do think that standing my own ground (even if it was just barely), that I was kind to myself.

One other giant thing that happened this month is that I found out someone VERY close to me was unfaithful in their marriage. It was shocking. They are already divorced, but the ex-spouse who was cheated on is absolutely devastated. In related news, the cheater also lost their job, due to misconduct at work (related to the infidelity). And now, the whole family has no monetary support. This is a really hard time for all of them. I was told this all in confidence, which has made it even more difficult. I guess, as an outsider, it's a lot easier for me to see (and say) that G-d wants to give BOTH of them healing. I grieve for the spouse who was betrayed. I also grieve for the person who makes poor decisions that lead to adultery. There, but for the grace of God, go I. I'm not excusing the behavior, I just know that only a broken person does this stuff. The cheater hurt him/herself just as equally as s/he hurt the ex-spouse and the third party ("the other lover.") When will we all know that we are loved perfectly?  When can we stop hurting ourselves and others?  When will our brokenness stop overflowing and helping us lash out at others?  Since I'm not the direct victim in this case, it's easy for me to pray for healing for both parties. God loves the perpetrator and the victim equally.  I should be so kind to those who have hurt me.

So, in this Love Is Kind month, I have learned that I am very unkind, just like I learned in January that I'm very impatient. And I'm still impatient. And, yes, like last month, I know God is kind and God is kind to me, but it didn't hit me as hard as the realization that God is patient with me. I have a long way to go. I am selfish and brutal in my words and thoughts. I am arrogant and unkind in my judgments and assumptions. I am rude and unkind in my gossip and words and self-righteousness. But I'm going to keep going.  I'm going to lean in.  I'm going to attempt progress. 

The Hidden Power of Kindness by Fr. Lawrence Lovasik is a wonderful book I have read. It really goes through all the types of unkindness. It's like an extended examination of conscience with practical suggestions. It leads me to nooks and crannies of my personality and thought-life, and it reveals many an unkindness. I am going to add "unkindness" to every confession I make from now on. (I was advised by a catholic psychologist to go ahead and add pride and selfishness to each confession because it's something we all struggle with.)



Life is such a journey.  I am trying to find the balance between being good to myself and challenging myself to move to a higher level.  As Gretchen Rubin says, accept yourself and expect more of yourself.  

Lord, have mercy on us all, and in Your kindness, hear and answer us.

Stay tuned next month for Love Does Not Envy.  

January in Review - Love is Patient

 

As I end my month long focus on "love is patient," I realize what a long journey this is going to be.  From where I am now to having the virtue of patience - perhaps even a lifelong journey.  Scratch that - a lifelong journey.   How difficult some of these virtues are to implement into my selfish nature.  But, oh, there is grace for the journey.

I have learned this month just how impatient I am. It's easy to be patient standing in line when you have nowhere else to go, but what about when you're busy or running behind? Love is patient.

It's easy to be patient to your loved ones when you have to repeat yourself* once, but five times?  Love is patient.
(*I have a major personal pet peeve of repeating myself, perhaps this is easier for others).

It's easy to forgive and be patient with the faults of another when it's the first grievance...but what about the whole "forgive 70 times 7" thing when they have a character flaw that results in repeated offenses? Love is patient.

Moments of raging impatience this month - when my fiancé forgets something important to me, when a flighty friend of mine was in town for a week and made me late for work every.single.day, when my parents act the same way they have in my whole life, and I am impatient about it anyway. When I commit a sin AGAIN that I wish were behind me.  Love is patient. Love is patient. PATIENT, I tell you!!

I learned this month that my fuse is often shorter than I think. Blame it on lack of sleep, blood sugar problem, hormones, work, traffic. Blame it on anything you want to, but love is patient, and I often am not. I have found that it is much easier to operate in self-control when I have eaten, exercised, slept, and otherwise taken care of myself. When I'm "running on empty" so to speak, it's very difficult to act in patience. However, I think that's when it's most important to be patient. Anyone can be patient when it's not difficult and nothing's at stake, but to me, being patient in a very frustrating situation is true patience, more so than being patient when it's easy. It's kind of when the Bible talks about loving the unlovely. Loving when it's hard. Patient when it's difficult. I used to think of myself as a fairly patient person, but now I realized that I had no problem being patient when it was easy, and no patience at all when it was actually a test of patience. 

As I consider other resolutions I made this year, specifically the one about going to confession about once a month, I realized that,...wait for it...,love is patient.  (Right...duh. That's the point, right?)  What I mean is that I realized that not only do I need to confess my impatience, but I need to be grateful that Love, God, is patient. God is patient with me. And as I learn, try, fail hard, get back up, and try again, I realize that God is patient with me as I try to love, specifically as I try to love by being patient.  I imagine my youngest nephew as he runs and falls. He's little, and he's got a lot of padding on the hind end to ease the fall. Are we not children in God's eyes?  I'm not diminishing the seriousness of my sins, but God is patient with me. Just as we encourage my nephew to get back up when he falls and comfort him if it hurt, God doesn't want us to fall and stay there. That's where despair enters in, at least for me.  Love, God, is patient with me. In all my weaknesses, I should get up and try again. God is cheering me on. 

Love is patient, and Love is patient with me. It is both a call to patience and a reminder of who God is.  Can I show that patience to myself and others?

Tune in next month for Love is Kind.  

Work it out

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine who knows a little bit of the situation at hand in my life. (Short version - I'm Catholic, engaged to be married in the Catholic church.  My parents are militant, anti-Catholic, Protestant fundamentalists).  She's very very Protestant, in the Reformed tradition.  I explained a few things to her that I had discussed with my parents, such as "Catholics don't worship Mary" and "Catholics compiled the Bible."  I don't know if I've been too insulated in a community of like-minded individuals or too hopeful that these points are valid, but I was surprised at the default anti-Catholic position inherent in her Protestantism.  I wasn't even trying to convince her in an "I'm right, you're wrong" way.  I was trying to explain certain doctrines to the best of my ability...which must not be very much ability because she kind of dug in her heels to every point I made.  I wasn't trying to argue or win her over, good thing, because I totally didn't.  Maybe my motivations were more prideful than I care to admit.  I was re-hashing some conversations I had with my parents last year, and explaining things to her in the way I had to them.  My arguments make perfect sense to me, and in fact, this line of reasoning is exactly what led me into the Catholic Church.    

The conversation made me sad.  And, rather than spending more energy on doctrinal "debates" or explanation of differences (especially when the other person has their mind made up), I just walked away thinking, "I need to stick to myself."  Meaning, I need to "work out [my] salvation with fear and trembling."  (Philippians 2:12)  I need to worry about me and me only.  I need to do what I know to be right, for me, in my life, right now.  That doesn't include telling others what is right or trying to shift their viewpoints to be in line with mine.  I need to be responsible for me, pray for and care for others in tangible ways, and let it go.  I've got enough on my plate to keep me busy for a lifetime. 

I know this.  I've always found religious debates to be wearisome and ripe with potential for pride.  I worry that I've said to much to everyone in my entire life. My parents, my friend last night, my other friends and family at other times in my "convert-to-Catholicism" zeal.  I resolved once again last night to work on my own problems and to pray for others.  I admit, I felt defeated.  This war between Catholics and Protestants is centuries old and complicated.  I used to delight in the diversity of the Christian denominations.  Now, the divisions make me sad.  We don't all have to be the same, but we are tearing ourselves apart.

My vocation is to love, especially in this year of 2014.  My vocation is not to teach, to convince, to explain, to defend.  It's to love.  And sometimes that means keeping your mouth shut and focusing on what you can change - yourself.     

2013 in Review

1. Looking back on 2013, what might your theme song have been?

"A Change Would Do You Good" by Sheryl Crow

2. If 2013 were a movie, who would play you?

N/A

3. What was your greatest gift of 2013?

Renewed, restored love with my boyfriend (now my fiance), a new hope for the future

4. What is your New Year Resolution, or, what are you committing to this year?

My vocation is to love

5. If January could be represented by one song, what would it be?

I don't know if this refers to January of 2013 or the current month.  Since this is 2013 in review, I'm gonna go with January of 2013 and say it was "Here Goes Nothin'" - that was the month I interviewed for a new job out of state, was offered the job, and had the choice of moving, staying, trying to make things really work with my guy.  

6. What do you wish for your body in 2014?

Balance.  Lots and lots of consistent, nightly sleep.  And regular exercise, balanced eating.  Wholeness, health.  

7. Name one new thing you would love to try in the New Year.

I am going to try my hand at cooking new meals this year.  

8. What do you long for 2014 to bring?

I long for 2014 to bring peace and health to my relationship with my parents.  That may never be possible on this side of heaven, but I long for 2014 to bring me some peace on my side of things, even if my parents don't change.

9. If that happened, how would you feel?

I would feel self-respect.  I would feel proud and confident for standing my ground.  I would still be sad at the state of affairs with them, but satisfied that it's as good as possible. 

10. Where would you love to vacation in 2014 if money were no object?

Money is indeed "an object," but if it weren't, I'd love to honeymoon in Italy or Ireland. 

11. What would you like the theme of 2014 to be?

Going back to my resolution for 2014 (#4) and the fact that I'm getting married this year, my theme is "love."  My vocation is to love.  Love and say it with your life.  How well did I reflect the love of God today?

12. If 2013 were a book, and the title was 5 words or less, what might the title be?

Fasten your seatbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride (I know that's more than 5 words, but part of it must have been the "subtitle") 

13. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

Permanently moved to a different state than that of my birth, moved further away from home than I've ever been

14. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I honestly don't remember last year's resolutions, and I don't really care to look them up.  I seem to have similar goals each year.  I have definitely made progress since last year, but there is more to be done.  And I plan to be more concrete and intentional this year.  

15. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not this year

16. Did anyone close to you die?

Not this year (thank G-d)

17. What countries did you visit

The good ole' U-S of A - I went home for Memorial Day, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, once in December, and for the New Year; I went to Dallas, Philadelphia, San Antonio, and San Diego

18. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

I would like to have more tools for dealing with my parents, I would like to have closure about some difficult things in the past, and I would like to have healthy habits in the areas of self-care, such as sleeping, eating, exercise, and boundaries

19. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 3 - the day I interviewed for my new job

February 10 - the day I moved

20. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Forgiveness of perhaps the biggest hurt I've ever felt

Courage to stand up to my parents in a new way

21. What was your biggest failure?

Unkindness, impatience, hurtful words - in short, a lack of love

22. Did you suffer illness or injury? 

Only internal (aside from a few rounds of strep throat)

23. What was the best thing you bought? 

I didn't make any big purchases, but I did sell a house, and I'm so happy about that.  It sold in 8 days. 

24. Whose behavior merited celebration? 

My fiance.  I'm sure that sounds cheesy.  I am proud of him for standing up for our relationship to some outside attacks.  I'm happy that he believed in us when I couldn't and that he waited for me until I lived here, until we both were ready to move forward together with making our lives one.

25. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 

I don't want to be mean or beat a dead horse, but I get so frustrated at my parents.  Even when I can predict their reactions to things, it still hurts when it happens and it's directed at me.  Their lack of support, disrespect, and unkindness is sometimes really hard to deal with.  

26. Where did most of your money go? 

I got in 2 car wrecks, I was in 2 weddings across the country, and I paid closing costs and part of my moving costs.  That took a big chunk for about 6 months.  

27. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Getting engaged to the guy I love and realizing that we are going for it!

28. What song will always remind you of 2013?

29. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or

poorer?
A) Happier and more content
B) About the same, but working on toning up
C) I have a better salary, but I'm trying to pay for a wedding and buy a house

30. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Lived in the moment

31. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Looking back at the past and/or not acted out of love for others and self at all times

32. How did you spend Christmas?
With my future-in-laws and some friends.  It was very peaceful, beautiful, restful, and fun.

33. Did you fall in love in 2013?
No, but I renewed the love with my long-term boyfriend, turned fiance.  We made a definite decision to make us work and move forward.  It does feel like a new relationship at times. 

34. What was your favorite TV program?

Downton Abbey!!!!!!!!!!!!

35. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Love not hate.  

36. What was the best book you read?

I read a lot this year.  Mostly non-fiction.  I would have to say "The Hidden Power of Kindness" by Lawrence Lovasik.  (It's not as boring as it sounds, and it helped me see my actions more objectively.  It's also helping me with this 2014 love project).  

37. What was your greatest musical discovery? 

I'm not really into "bands," I'm into classical music.  So...I will say I really enjoyed some outdoor concerts this year in my new city.  

 

38. What did you want and get?

I finally got peace and answers about my relationship.  Once we got into the same city again (after 3 years together, 3 years long-distance), it was so much easier to be together and focus on us in healthy ways.  There was some confusion and there were many bumps in the road, but I finally feel peace and direction about our relationship.  I'm sorry I waited so long to move! 

39. What did you want and not get?

A winning lottery ticket?  JK, I don't buy them, but...

40. What was your favorite film of this year?

I'm about a decade late, but I finally watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I enjoyed it.  As far as theaters, I enjoyed The Butler, but I wouldn't call it a new favorite movie. 

41. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 33 and had no less than 4 birthday celebrations.  My day started with a contemplative prayer meeting, followed by lunch with my future in-laws and fiance, followed by dinner with my fiance and 8 friends (new and old).  At a later date, I had an exquisite, extravagant 7 course dinner with a flight of wines paired to each course (the dinner was a gift), and I also went to get drinks at a really cool, innovative bar with a friend.  It was a great birthday times 4.  Being 33, I'm calling this my Jesus year.  I'm not sure what that entails (death? rebirth?), but it has a nice ring to it. 

42. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

Honestly, it was a good year.  There was a lot of change.  The only negatives are that I intensely miss my sisters, nieces and nephews, and friends back home.  

43. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

"that must be in storage...so I'll wear this"

44. What kept you sane?

Reality checks with long-time friends and family who affirmed me, know me well, and want the best for me.  

45. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

N/A

46. What political issue stirred you the most? 

Obama-care.  

47. Who did you miss? 

My niece, my sisters, and my church friends from back home.  I miss them every day, and it hasn't really gotten easier, I'm just used to it.  

48. Who was the best new person you met?

Probably my new friends Dani and Sarah.

49. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

Stand up for yourself.  Be kind.  Sufficient sleep and healthy meals can solve a lot of problems.   

50. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Be not afraid"