Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Married Life Is Awesome...a Questionnaire

when did you meet?

how did you meet?
We were both students at music school.  I was a graduate student, and he was an undergraduate.  We had the same teacher, and we were just acquaintances the first year or so.  

first impression?
My first impression of him is that he was an arsty, absent-minded professor type that was really smart. He says his first impression of me is that I was "deep" and "funny."

first date?
This is really hard to determine since we were friends who eased into dating.  But I remember our first outing after our first kiss.  He asked me to our favorite coffee shop because we needed to talk.  I was as nervous as heck because we had kissed the night before.  I didn't know if it was just a fluke, or if it meant more. Right after we kissed, I asked, "What does this mean??"  But, he said, "Let's not ruin the moment."  So, the next day at the coffee shop, he said he'd like to start dating me.  I agreed.  And, I guess that was our first "date." 

what's our song and why?
Our song used to be Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here," because we spent so much time in a long-distance relationship or temporary spells of long-distance.  That song makes me sad now, and reminds me of hard times, missing my love.  I do like the line, "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year," because I sometimes feel like we are two lost souls who found each other.  But, we have yet to find a new "song" that conveys our deep love and how good things are now.  We could say that it was the song for our first dance at the wedding, "Set Me As a Seal on Your Heart."   

first event you went together to?
This is really hard to determine, since we knew each other as acquaintances and then friends for so long before dating.  I'm guessing a classical music concert.  

when did you fall in love?
For me, it was pretty much right off the bat after we started dating.  I remember after the first 6-10 weeks of dating thinking that this was different, and that I loved him.  We would say things like "I love being with you," or "I love what we have together."  I remember I already pictured our future together.  

who said it first?
He said "I love you" first, 9 months after we had been dating.  And, he left it on a voicemail.  He was out of town, talking to an old friend.  He told his friend that he loved me, but that he hadn't said it to me. The friend convinced him that he needed to let me know, and as soon as possible.  That friend ended up being his best man.  It was really cute and surprising to get that voicemail.  I was at work, and I remember listening to it the first time, then over and over and over again.  I really, really wanted to say it for quite some time, but I didn't want to say it first.  After that, we said it (and continue to say it) constantly.  

when did you move in together?
We didn't move in together until after we got married, in 2014.  

what ​were the first few months like?
The first few months were great, but an adjustment.  We were figuring out how to split chores and personal habits.  But, it was still awesome.  It is still new (less than a year married here.)  But, in some ways, it feels like hanging out with your best friend or going on a date every night with your love.  

who​'​s the cleaner one of you two?

​​when did you get engaged?  how did it happen?
Well, funny love proposed to me in 2011.  I didn't say "no," but I didn't exactly say "yes," either.  I couldn't accept the ring in good faith.  We stayed up all night talking after the proposal (down on one knee, a ring, roses, a beautiful card, the works...)  We didn't even live in the same state.  We hadn't talked about marriage.  We had tap-danced around the issue during 4 years of dating.  I hadn't even told my parents I was Catholic, and I knew that would be a huge issue.  I was obligated to stay in my house for at least 10 more months at that time...on and on.  But, that question got the wheels reaction to the proposal also got one of the worst phases of our relationship going.  It was really really difficult.  He felt rejected.  I was angry that he would ask me without considering all those practical things.  I felt like I had been put in the "bad guy" seat by having to make real considerations of practical matters.  I was the one who would have to move and give up my whole life - family, job, house, friends - that I loved.  He felt like he was being romantic and hopeful, and I had crushed him.  

Well, about a year after the first proposal, I ended up applying for jobs where he lived (and I now live). We had had some truly horrible fights in the meantime.  I regret them and how I acted in every way.  But, we had decided to make it work again.  There was a new presence of distance, hurt, and coldness, between us after those fights.  We had each been pursued by other romantic interests that seemed tempting, and yet, we kept coming back to each other.  We decided to give it another go.  

I ended up getting my current job and moving.  My house sold in less than 10 days.  We started really working on our relationship, and it really helped to be in the same place.  So, about 6 months after I moved here, we got engaged.  This time, there was no bended knee, no roses, no card.  Just a discussion where he said, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."  We had both healed enough from the wounds we caused each other since the first proposal.  We both saw that it was so much better in the same city, so much easier to work on our relationship.  I was ready to assert my independence from my parents by announcing my Catholicism.  And, so, we got engaged.  This time, I picked out my own ring. forward to an engagement slightly longer than a year.  
We got married on the exact same date as the initial proposal...3 years later to the date.  

how long have you been married?
just over 9 months 

describe married life
awesome, exciting, a really good chance to grow in selflessness and humility, if you let it

what is the best part about being married?
Everything is better as a team.  While I estimated that marriage would increase responsibilities, bills, dishes, etc. (and that's true), it also increases the problem-solvers.  I'm not alone when it comes to paying bills, taking out the trash, or solving problems.  It's like being with your best friend and having a date every night.  It's awesome.  

what is your favorite memory together?
Sitting together on a moon-lit beach, the first summer we dated back in 2007.  We went out to the beach after a bonfire and just sat in silence together until about 3 am.  It brings me peace to think about that night, and also a smile to think that we were together and happy.  I remember when I was having a particularly hard time once, he said to me, "Remember the moon-lit beach."  It's a beautiful memory we both share, and I treasure it.    

would you change anything?
I sometimes look back and wish I had said, "yes" at the first proposal.  But, I wasn't ready.  I wonder if I had said, "yes," at that time, and we had had those same, awful fights, if our engagement would have lasted.  I think when we finally did get engaged and then married, we had worked through lots of issues together.  I had also worked through lots of my own issues that I was bringing to the table - my parents, my childhood, my own wounds, insecurities, sin.  I had finally learned and begun to practice my Catholicism more deeply, including Theology of the Body, and being open to NFP.  I'm definitely not perfect.  I just think I was in a much, much better place to be engaged and married when we actually did it than when the first proposal took place. Not to mention the practical matters of living in the same city and starting a new life over here had fallen into place.  I wish the hurt hadn't happened.  But, in the end, the timing all worked out, and we got to be together.  I'm so grateful for every day we have together.  I never want to take it for granted.  Often, when we are falling asleep, I say to him, "Every day married to you is the best day of my life," and I mean it.      

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