7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume V)

I'm linking up with http://thisaintthelyceum.org/ for 7 Quick Takes, Friday edition!

~1~

Anniversary. 

It's coming up on 2 years since I made a big move in my life.  I left my home state, some of my immediate family, a house and a job I liked, and moved to one of the largest cities in the US to be with my love.  We are married now, but when I moved, we weren't even engaged.  Some people thought I was nuts, others encouraged me to follow my dreams and my heart.  As difficult as it sometimes is to live here (I believe I said just last night in an emotional meltdown that I "hate it"...)  er ... I'm still glad I moved because Love Wins.  Jobs, houses, cars, etc. are all negotiable, but being married to my love is the most important thing.  

~2~

Village Elders.

I've been blessed throughout my life to have people fulfill the role of grandmother, grandfather, godmother, godfather, caring adult, mentor, etc.  We weren't that close geographically to our grandparents growing up.  We made a concerted effort to see at least one side of our family 1-2 times per year, but by the time I'd graduated high school, my mom's parents had passed.  And by the time I graduated college, my dad's parents had passed.  Thankfully, there always seemed to be family friends and church folk who were so kind to us as kids and filled that role.  I have somewhat of a strained relationship with my parents.  And, although they did their best, it was so helpful to receive love from some really dear people without the drama and family dynamic that sometimes comes with parents.  Later, when I worked in a church, I had many friends who were little old church ladies.  I love (and loved) them dearly.  Some of them have passed on.  They had seen it all and had the wisdom of many years of life behind them.  I was just starting out, and they were always happy to tell me how to do things.  In general, we shared meals, a community bond, our faith, and a sense of family.  Since I moved, I really don't have anyone in my life that's like that anymore.  I really miss it.  I think I need it.  I don't have any elder family members nearby, and I haven't tapped into that demographic at church.  But, for those whose love was so instrumental in my past, I always try to write down the "life lessons" they taught me or things they said to me that I don't want to forget.  I really cherish their memory, and feel them around me, even if they've gone to their eternal reward. As the daughter of one of these friends told me at her funeral, "She taught you how to love."  Yes, she did.  And I have such a long way to go.    

~3~

House blessing.

We are getting our house blessed this weekend by our priest.  I'm really excited.  I've only been to one other house blessing in my short life as a Catholic.  Not to mention that we really need it!!!  Just this week we had a pipe burst and damage our ceiling, in addition to warranting MAJOR repairs.  The day after we got married, there was a poisonous snake on our front porch that tried to bite my husband.  (For real, you can't make this stuff up!)  I don't want to seem superstitious, but I have to say that all through our wedding preparation, my husband and I both felt attacked.  He was even in a major car accident that came within inches of killing him (hit on 2 sides by 3 different cars).  My well-meaning but anti-Catholic parents tried to prevent the wedding.  Every part of it seemed like a struggle.  Now that we are married, we just really feel like we need the extra blessing from our priest.  We have anointed the house with holy water and prayed over every room, but this will be great.    

~4~

The Resistance.

Speaking of the devil...  I guess it's hard to know when something you've lived with your whole life isn't normal.  I have always been one to worry and have anxiety, just by personality.  It wasn't until last year that my therapist helped me realize that I had actually had panic attacks my whole life.  And I just thought it was, you know, another Tuesday morning.  Some of it has to do with physical stuff (like hormone and blood sugar imbalances).  However, some of it is spiritual.  With this in mind, I realize that there is a WHOLE LOT in my life that is not from God.  Thoughts that I have, really dark and horrible and self-hating thoughts that I thought everyone had to combat.  Turns out, that's not the case.  Anyway, I have started to resist this and recognize that these unloving thoughts are NOT from God.  I call the devil "the resistance" sometimes because it's like a feeling I have that things are harder, like pulling teeth or dragging someone along as they resist when the devil gets in a situation. Sometimes he manifests himself by being a resisting force in a situation, when that situation would be good, or just to steal your joy.  (See #3 above - our wedding planning was full of a "resisting" spirit).  And sometimes, in my fight against him, I have to resist and stand firm.  "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."  (James 4:7)  I don't want to blame the devil for my own sin, for the regular difficulties in life, or for blood sugar imbalances, but I have to say that since I have starting resisting The Resistance with the name of Jesus, sacramentals, and other prayers, I have noticed a huge difference.  If you read interviews with exorcists, you'll realize that the battle is real, and we should just be on guard to do all we can to stay faithful, to fast, and to pray for our intentions and for those we love.    

~5~

Commentary.

I have decided that reading comments on the internet is a really fast way to lose all faith in humanity. People are SO cruel, ignorant, argumentative, etc.  So, I have made a concerted effort to leave positive comments whenever I can to counteract that presence.  And to IGNORE and not even read the trollers.  

~6~

#LoveLikePaul

I don't even know the Coakley family, but I have been so touched (and heartbroken) by their story over the past few weeks.  If you have any spare change to give this beautiful new widow and her four children (3 + 1 on the way), please consider doing so.  We are the body of Christ, and she is in need.  You can donate or read more at this link: https://lovelikepaul.com/  or follow the developments on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/paulandanncoakleyneedamiracle.  Every day is a gift.  

~7~

Going the way of the do-do-bird?

Are blogs becoming extinct?  Why are some of my favorite bloggers doing more podcasts than blogs now, or drastically reducing their blogs?  It's so depressing to me.  I can't listen to podcasts at work, but I can read a blog so much more easily.  If they really are going extinct, like most things, I tend to catch on right about the time it's too late.    

T G I F and happy weekend!    

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume IV)

I'm linking up with http://thisaintthelyceum.org/ to do Seven Quick Takes this week.

~1~

New Year.

I haven't blogged since the New Year, but my mind is swirling with thoughts.  In years past, I haven't so much done "resolutions" as a theme for the year.  This year, my theme is Be Not Afraid.  This is the title of one of my favorite hymns, based on verses from Isaiah and elsewhere.  Also, if you're a Catholic, you may know that St. Pope John Paul II loved to remind us to "be not afraid."  It reminds me of someone else who said that a lot...that's right, Jesus!  This little phrase is hopefully going to help me this year stay out of fear and enter more deeply into love and into faith.  I am faced with some new challenges lately (as we all are), and "be not afraid" is a great reminder.  (Also - side note, John Paul II died on the eve of Divine Mercy Sunday in 2005.  I had been reading about and considering Catholicism for a few years by the time he died.  I remember thinking to myself when he died that I had to become Catholic.  He was pope my entire life, and I was very drawn to him.  It felt like a big loss, and it prompted me to move forward.  I was confirmed one year later, on the eve of Divine Mercy Sunday.  It wouldn't be until last year, 2014 - 8 years later! - that I made that connection.  I think he was already praying for me and others like me.)

~2~

Work.   

It's amazing how much energy, resolve, and positivity I had when coming into work on Monday with almost 2 weeks off.  I was rested, refreshed, and ready to go.  Traffic wasn't bad, and I was ready to conquer the world.  It's Friday of the same week, and I am already back to cranky, low energy, not as motivated.  Sometimes I think it's the circumstances of the job, and sometimes I think it's me.  I guess it's a little bit of both.  Most of life involves hard work.  I need to redeem the moments.  "This is the gift - to have the wonderful capacity to appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life." - Abraham Maslow

~3~

The "B" word.

Budget.  A new year is a great time to dust off those higher principles of living and fix everything.  But, seriously, it is time for me to implement some serious B-word...budgeting.  I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class a few years ago, and got completely out of debt (about $6500, if I remember correctly).  This was while living on less than $30,000 income.  (I don't mind sharing numbers because I remain somewhat anonymous on my blog).  I now make more money (about $39,000 take home pay), and I'm in WAY more debt than ever before (about $25,000)....I know, that's terrible.  Really scary to see it on paper, huh?  Well, I have a payment plan, and it may take about 3 years, but I will get out of debt again, never to go back.  These expenses mainly come from work on the house, some medical emergencies, and the wedding.  I guess I don't "regret" any of them, but it just astounds me how much things cost.  They can add up quickly.  I put a bunch of big expenses on the credit cards, and I will be paying them off as soon as possible.  No eating out.  No adding more to the debt.  No more fluff.  Back to Baby Step 1 for me.  My husband and I are not 100% sharing all finances.  We are still combining our lives, but it will help to have his extra income to throw at this problem, although I make more money than he does, so we share percentages of payments, not dollar amounts.  (this is per Suze Orman, not Dave Ramsey)

~4~

Life Makeover.  

So, I was reading some books, blogs, etc. on time management, and I really want to "re-vamp" my life according to my greatest priorities.  Rather than giving God and my husband the last of what's left, my remaining energy at the end of the day, I want to give them my best.  Sometimes that's not possible, but I do believe it's possible for me to keep more of a balance.  It's so much easier for me to feel optimistic about life, to have energy, and to be patient and kind when a few non-negotiables are in place: sleep, exercise, eating regularly, no caffeine.  Also, I'm going to schedule a few repetitive tasks that always seem to sneak up on me as non-negotiables.  (Tuesday night is now laundry night!)  This helps me keep from getting way out of hand.  Now, this week didn't go so well with the new life makeover.  My car broke down Tuesday, and I was unable to go workout.  Then, I was unable to do laundry.  Then, I basically had a panic attack later that night (I think due to hormones and lack of sleep).  No bueno.  I can't live like that.  I am going to schedule everything I have to do according to my ongoing to-do list and my highest priorities and really try to stick to it.  I will keep you posted.  

~5~

Empathy.

My husband and I were talking about the concept of empathy.  He said that he thinks the first step toward evil is a lack of empathy.  I think he's right.  I thought about that long and hard, as I have a few people in my life that are very difficult, and I have a tendency to sort of ignore them or discount them.  I can feel a cold-heartedness toward them, and it's not right.  They are people too.  God loves them too.  Then, I thought of the phrase that "you can't give people what you don't have." I thought of the tragedy of people who have no empathy for themselves to the point where they even hurt or kill themselves.  That's when I sort of stopped dead in my tracks.  I can be so cruel to myself sometimes (in my mind).  I really don't want to share some of the thoughts that come to me.  I don't feel like they are from God.  They are not helpful, loving, kind.  There is no empathy there.  If I said or treated others the way my mind has treated me sometimes, it would be so wrong.  It's still wrong, and it's something I want to work on.  Kicking out the demon voices.  (See Amy Poehler's book, Yes Please, for more on this reference.)  But, regardless, I need to have more empathy for myself, and in turn, for others.  I was raised a Calvinist.  In Calvinism, even the good things/works you do are considered meaningless and worthless to God because they think works are not important in the life of faith, and they think that humankind is so totally "depraved" that we can do no good.  This is a dangerous and harmful mindset.  It's a huge reason I am not a Calvinist.  I have found much healing and wholeness in the Catholic Church.  However, the healing is ongoing.  This is so ingrained in me and so damaging, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be rid of this particular thing.   

~6~

Caught up.

(Think of Usher's song...but only those two words of it).  Anyway, caught up.  I am SO not caught up.  I haven't unpacked from Christmas travels, I haven't put away all of our wedding gifts, I am literally wearing my last clean pair of underwear today (sorry, TMI?)  But, there is no such thing as caught up.  This is such a revelation to me, and it's probably obvious to the entire rest of the world, but it was really freeing to realize that.  It's part of my "life makeover."  Instead of having things all the way done and caught up, then swing to nothing done and disaster, I'm going to schedule the ongoing tasks of life - meal planning, cleaning, laundry, yard work, bills, etc.  Does everyone else do this, and I'm just a moron at adulthood?  I seriously am so excited to implement this.  I know it'll take a while, and this week I only did about half of everything, but I'm so SO hopeful and optimistic that in realizing there is no "caught up," I will actually be in a state of maintaining and staying on top of things.   

~7~

T.G.I.F.

That's all I got, folks.  

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume III)

I'm linking up with http://thisaintthelyceum.org/ to do Seven Quick Takes this week.

~1~

There is always a cross.

I think I'm going to write a post about this that goes more in-depth, but I've been thinking of crosses, suffering, etc. lately.  I was raised Protestant.  One of the things that drew me to Catholicism (and still draws me), is that it is the only logical explanation of suffering I have found in religion.  It doesn't deny it or try to avoid it (as some Eastern religions do), it doesn't blame the victim for "karma" or "lack of faith" (as some other Eastern Religions, New Age religions, or Christian "prosperity" gospel preachers do), it doesn't blame God for being "sovereign" and basically call him a jerk for bringing you suffering in order to smite you or teach you a lesson (as the Calvinism I was raised in taught me)...the Catholic God suffers with you.  See him up there on the cross?  He's been where you are, if not worse.  He suffered, not so that you don't have to suffer in this life, but so that you could see there is meaning in suffering.  You can offer it up.  You can join it with his.

So, my newest cross is a medical diagnosis I got this week.  The back pain I have been suffering with increasingly over the last several months is not a kidney stone as I suspected, but arthritis.  Ugh.  Doesn't that sound like something an 80-year-old should get?  Not someone in their 30's?  On the one hand, I'm glad to put a name to it, instead of wondering WTH was going on with me, or thinking I was crazy and that this pain was all in my head.  On the other hand, I've never had a health problem that was basically chronic pain due to something genetic or not an infection or out-of-nowhere.  I feel like I'm too young for this.  I don't want to be on drugs for the rest of my life, and yet, medicine is pretty much a new daily necessity for me.  It doesn't even alleviate the pain, it just dulls it enough to allow me to make it through the day.  So, I'm processing what this means for my health, my faith, my life.  I would like to seek alternative ways of healing.  I wonder if I will need surgery.  I wonder if this would ever qualify as a disability, if the pain ever kept me from working.  I wonder how in the HECK people who are in great pain can remain virtuous.  My patience and kindness pretty much evaporate when the pain sets in.  And, at the same time, I see a new cross in my life (and I definitely feel it in my back!)  This could be an opportunity for major growth, but God help me.  I don't know how to deal with it.    

~2~

Silence.

Silence is a theme of Advent.  I think it's also a theme of introverts.  To take it to a completely mundane, and NOT profound level...I work in an office of about 15 people.  We work in cubicles (except for the 2 bosses, they have real offices with real walls and everything).  Some cubicles have doors (not me), and some cubicles have a window (again, not me).  All that to say that throughout the day, we either work in deafening silence, in which a pen can drop, a phone can ring, or a person can sneeze, and it makes you jump out of your skin.  The other half of the day is spent in deafening noise - 15 simultaneous conversations, 1 lovely co-worker who literally narrates her day/makes personal phone calls/talks non-stop, and a revolving door of our customer base (students).  All that to say that I crave privacy and silence.  I would LOVE a door.  And I would LOVE a setup to my office that would allow someone to come in the office without having to look literally over my shoulder at my computer screen or be seated behind me at an awkward angle (thanks, cubicle).  These things will probably not happen as long as I work here.  I have brought headphones and earplugs to work, but some days, even that isn't enough.  I am really sensitive to noises, I think, just by personality.  I can hear things better than most people.  On top of that, I'm an introvert, and I love silence, especially when I'm trying to concentrate.  It is a challenge for me to maintain my focus amidst our loud and busy office.  Lord, give me patience with these people.

~3~

Advent.

So...Christmas is in 6 days, and we still haven't gotten a tree up.  Probably this weekend.  For real.  I really want to, but we have been so busy and I have felt so crummy that we haven't gotten around to it yet.  At this point, it is definitely staying up until Epiphany, if not later.  I started wrapping some gifts last night, and it really put me in the mood to have a tree to put said gifts under!!

~4~

The Hobbit.

I haven't felt like this big of a nerd for about 10 years, when my then-boyfriend dragged me along to The Matrix midnight release.  This week we watched The Hobbit 1 and 2.  Tonight, we are going to see The Hobbit 3 in the theater.  I don't remember the last movie I saw in the theater.  It's not 100% my cup of tea, but that's okay.  It'll be a fun double date with my husband.  

~5~

The Power of "No"

I am facing the prospect of either accepting or rejecting a social invitation this weekend with a very difficult and manipulative person in my life.  I find her stressful to be around, and really try to limit my time with her.  As with all unhealthy people, when you set up a boundary, there is backlash.  Last time I kindly, but firmly, told her "no thank you" to an invitation (when I was legitimately knee-deep in wedding planning stress), she lectured me about what a terrible friend I am, and basically accused me of lying to avoid hanging out with her.  In normal circumstances, I would love to cut someone like her 100% out of my life.  However, she's a family friend, and I do have to deal with her for the foreseeable future.  So...anyway....I am faced with another invitation.  I know that if I say "no," it may cause a fight in which my integrity and honesty is called into question.  If I say "yes," it might be out of fear of conflict, manipulation, or obligation rather than a genuine open-ness to friendship.  I'm torn as to what to do.  Last night, my husband was talking through the options with me.  I was saying, "I think I'll just say 'yes' so that we don't have another fight."  And he was like, "It's an invitation.  You shouldn't feel forced.  Yes OR no are both options.  I want to empower you to say "no" if you need to."  Isn't he awesome?  I know he's right.  If I were giving someone else advice, I would also say that you don't have to feel pressure, you should make your choice and move on.  My therapist told me that "no" is a complete sentence.  You don't have to justify why it's a no.  You don't have to make excuses.  You have the power to say yes or no.  I know all of this in my brain, and yet I'm still feeling such anxiety and pressure to say yes.  I gave her an "I'll let you know," answer to buy myself more time.      

~6~

Horrible Bosses

...not the movie.  I'm not saying I have a horrible boss (or bosses).  But here are some things I think you should avoid if you want to be considered a good boss...just don't ask me how I know.   

          Don't send ALL emails with a flag of high importance, it makes the flag meaningless.      

          Similarly, don't make all requests (for data, reports, etc.) right near (or even AFTER) your deadline, forcing your employees to drop their priorities because of your poor planning.  A lacking of planning on your part should not create an emergency on my part.  

          Don't bad-mouth, trash-talk, gossip, judge, analyze, or otherwise discuss employees with your subordinates.  That should only be done equal to equal or equal to superior (boss to boss, boss to supervisor, etc.)  It should not be done boss to subordinate.  It puts the subordinate in a really awkward position when you discuss the faults of his/her equal (coworker).  It also creates distrust in that it seems safe to assume that a subordinate's behavior is also subject for discussion with everyone else, but only behind your back.  

          Don't ask people to do things which you yourself do not do.  You should set an example for respecting others, arriving on time, etc.  If you're asking for a behavior that you don't exhibit, it creates resentment and a double-standard.  People might do it out of fear (wanting to keep their job), out of a greater obligation (because it's the right thing to do, even if you don't do it), or they may not do it at all (because...why bother?)  

          Don't complain about things that would seem like luxuries to the person you're complaining to. For example, if the view out of your window (of your real office, with a real door, real walls, and outside view) is about to change due to some construction... consider that the person you're complaining to does not even have a door or a window in their cubicle ...so.... it's hard to have any sympathy for you there...just sayin'.  Also, don't complain about your salary to someone who makes LESS than you do.  

          Do take action.  This means, when a problem presents itself, seek guidance, have discussions, but take action.  Don't wait 2-3 months to confront a behavior.  Don't build up a problem so big in your mind that it takes one year to resolve.  Don't wait to hire replacements out of mourning for the person who no longer works there.  I have noticed that good bosses and companies tend to have a sense of momentum, purpose, vision, and action.  That's not to say that things get done on time or perfectly, only that there is a feeling of progress, not stagnation.  Everyone wants to see that their work matters and makes a difference.  If you sit on a project or over-analyze a decision to the point of paralysis, it makes your followers weary.  

~7~

Friday. 

Need I say more?  T-G-I-F!!  Enjoy your weekend.

33 Days to Morning Glory - Holy Spirit, grant us the only necessary knowledge

While I lamented last week that I really don't know how to celebrate Advent properly, I realize that this year, I am doing something different that has been great. I am doing St. Louis de Montfort and Father Michael Gaitley's 33 Days to Morning Glory - it's a set of prayers for 33 days, and at at the end you consecrate yourself to Jesus through Mary's intercession.  You can sign up here for a daily email, if interested.  http://taylormarshall.com/2014/11/1-catholic-advent-devotional-33mary-com.html

Even though Advent is coming to a close, this is a worthy consecration.  You may enjoy the prayers or be able to join in for the last few days.  You can do the 33 days of consecration at a later date, anytime really.  But this particular consecration ends on Christmas Day.

One of the prayers from the litany to the Holy Spirit jumps out at me every time...you think God is trying to say something to me?

"Holy Spirit, grant us the only necessary knowledge."  

This means so many things, it convicts me of so many sins, and it is such a succinct reminder.

Grant us the only necessary knowledge...

...of your salvation.
How many times do we wonder exactly why and how the mysteries of salvation unfolded?  Why a virgin birth?  Why Israel?  Why didn't the Bible contain more explicit references to transubstantiation or other catholic doctrines?  Why does it seem that so many seek and do not find?  Why, God, why? So many questions...sometimes it seems that the answers are few.  But, God has given us the knowledge that we need for salvation and the grace to accept it.  Each of us.  There comes a point in time that we need to accept what we do know and stop worrying about what we don't know or don't understand.  God has given us the only necessary knowledge.  Yes, Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief...and yet...don't let me get stuck in the questions and the unbelief.  Help me to accept that I have the necessary knowledge for my salvation, and I need to act upon it.  I heard Kimberly Hahn mention this in a presentation she gave.  When she was contemplating conversion to the Catholic Church, she had almost all of her questions answered.  God finally told her to act upon what she knew and believed, to stop obsessing over the small questions still left.   (I'm paraphrasing).  The answers came with time.  I think many of us Type A personalities, or former Protestants, or any number of categories can have a hard time over-thinking things.  I think God is saying that we should accept what it is that we DO know and DO believe.

Grant us the only necessary knowledge...

...of your will. 
This is a hard one.  I drove by a Psychic "business" the other day, and I thought, "how do those places even stay open?  Who goes to a psychic?"  But, the truth is, many people do.  And, even if we don't go to a psychic, we might read a horoscope or new age philosophy, or dabble in other seemingly harmless practices to find God's will.  What if our practice of finding God's will is not a psychic or a horoscope, but the paralysis of analysis that comes when trying to know what is the right thing to do.  We discuss and over-analyze with our friends sometimes without spending time with God himself to discern.  We want to know the plan BEFORE we make any moves or say "yes" to God.  We want spiritual enlightenment, but in our time, in our ways, by our standards.  There are questions that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.  Why did so-and-so have to die at such a young age?  Why did you allow so-and-so to cause such terrible suffering?

There's a reason faith is called faith.  It's not a blind faith.  It is not a faith free from reason or logic, but it requires assurance of what we cannot see.  We have to trust.  We know that God wills our good. We know that God would never harm us, and that somehow, some way, all of our sins and screw-ups are being woven together and worked for our good.  And yet, we live in fear sometimes.  I often wonder what my life would look like without fear.  I wonder if I would have made different decisions or had different experiences.  God's will is usually seen best in hindsight.  As life unfolds, it's a dance of faith, trust, hope, and obedience. "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known." - I Corinthians 13:12

Grant us the only necessary knowledge...

...of other people's business.  
When it comes to the sin of gossip and nosiness, we can often justify things to ourselves because we think, "I'm not gossiping, I'm being a supportive friend," or, "I'm not gossiping, I'm just concerned about [insert person or situation]," or "I'm not gossiping, I just like to know what's going on in my own family [or friend-group or workplace]," or even worse, "...so I can PRAY for so-and-so."  This doesn't cover all the bases, but I think of the countless times I have pried for information out of phony concern, out of selfish curiosity, or the times I have stalked (yes, really), stalked via Facebook or some other way to find out what was happening or what was the latest with someone or something. We like to be in the know, to be up-to-date, or to have the latest information.  We like to hear all sides of the story, the nitty-gritty details.  Who broke up with whom and why, who doesn't like whom, who isn't getting along, what's so-and-so's problem.  We like to hear all this stuff so we can make judgment calls and prognosticate about the whys, the flaws, the mistakes, the future.  It's really nauseating and exhausting.  It's a gross and disgusting human behavior.  I think sometimes we like to know EVERYTHING about EVERYONE else so that we can be the supreme authority on how they live their lives, never turning that microscopic analysis to our own behavior.  We can never know what someone else is going through, what struggles they have, especially internally, and what might be the reasons behind some behaviors.  We can just pray for them.  (And P.S., praying for someone doesn't require that you announce that you're praying for them...you can just pray.)  I forget which saint or writer I was reading, but they were talking about the value of silence and prayer.  They even suggested that rather than asking or wondering about someone's latest details (if they are not shared out right with you), rather than prying, just use that time and energy to pray for them.  Maybe you don't know the latest details, but which is more important - praying for them, asking God that his will be done in their lives, or knowing every little detail - even the ones they may have left out for a reason.  I have been hurt so much in my life by other people's words, gossip, prying, etc.  I'm a very private person by nature, and I hate when people try to get into my business.  And yet, I also struggle with the sin of gossip.  Our words are powerful.  Our time and energy is limited.  Why not use it to help others, to pray for them, and to remember that we should only have the knowledge necessary of a situation - nothing more, nothing less.

"Holy Spirit, grant us the only necessary knowledge."  

In what other ways could this short prayer apply to our lives?

Pax Christi




  

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume II)

What a week - seven quick takes from my little world.

~1~

Happy feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!!  I am very fortunate that at the age of 17, I was able to visit the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City and see the tilma first hand.  At the time, I was not a Catholic.  In my limited understanding of Catholicism (and Spanish), I don't really recall much.  I remember hearing that people would walk on their knees to visit the basilica.  As we visited, there was mass going on, and although I wasn't Catholic at the time, I refrained from taking pictures because I thought it was disrespectful to those worshiping.  I could tell these people had great faith.  I wasn't sure that I agreed with them, but I respected it and thought it was interesting.  I didn't believe my parents that "Catholics worship Mary," and yet, I didn't understand this devotion.  

I now understand the story of Juan Diego, and I even (gasp!) dare to believe it.  Particularly coming from my background (being raised in a Calvinistic household), I am really attached to the Virgin of Guadalupe.  Why?  Because as she was helping to convert millions in Latin America to Christ and Catholicism, John Calvin and his ilk were helping to de-convert many Catholics in Europe and lead them astray.  It gives me hope that even in the midst of the Church losing numbers and souls in one area, Our Mother was helping lead other souls back to Christ at the same time.  I have a really strong passion for Protestants becoming Catholic (especially Calvinists) because I was raised in that doctrine, and I think it is not only wrong, but some of the most harmful teachings in existence.  All that to say, thank God for Mary, who always gently leads souls to Christ, saying "do whatever he tells you."

Finally, not to sound crazy, but during my conversion to Catholicism, I had a dream once in which I saw an image of Mary.  You don't have to believe me, and I'm not saying I'm special or anything, but I saw a woman clothed in a red robe with brilliant stars and ROSES just swirling about her.  She didn't speak to me in the dream.  I just saw these vibrant colors, roses, stars, and this woman with a robe.  This happened shortly after someone had given me a rosary, and I had started to pray with it. About 2-3 years later, I finally became Catholic.  Based on what I know now, the image of Mary that I saw resembles the woman described in Revelation 12:13 - a woman clothed with the sun and a crown of stars.  This image of the Queen of Heaven and the Virgin of Guadalupe kind of combined and appeared to me, made it real to me.  Could it be that my spiritual Mother came and visited me in a dream?  I saw her image up close on the tilma as an unbelieving teenager.  I tentatively prayed to her years later, and she appeared to me in a dream, eventually leading me to her Son's Church.

~2~

Suffering.  I do not suffer well.  I told my husband last night that I am not a good Catholic because I do not suffer well.  I complain my way through it, I pray constantly FOR MYSELF to be relieved, and I basically can't wait for it to end.  I really do try hard to "offer it up" (whatever that means) and make some good of it.  I try to pray for others who suffer with similar ailments, only much worse than mine - it gives me greater compassion.  I also try to find every patron saint EVER possibly related to my issue and beg them for help.  I really can't imagine those saints who ASK for suffering.  I am definitely not there yet.  And, I also realize that it is SO hard for me to be patient and kind when I am in the midst of excruciating pain.  And yet - that is not an excuse.  Having said all of that, I am still firmly convinced that we are not meant to live this life in as much comfort as possible, we are meant to suffer and eventually die.  We are meant to carry a cross.  And it is in uniting that cross to Christ that we can find meaning in the suffering and merit something from it (by joining it to him).  Nevertheless, pray for me if you would, that we could find the source of the pain I'm having and deal with it effectively.  It has become debilitating lately.      

~3~

Marriage.  I haven't even been married 3 months yet, and I can confidently say it's the best thing that ever happened to me, and one of the best choices I've ever made (besides becoming Catholic).  Yeah, yeah, honeymoon phase, newlywed, etc., all of that....but honestly?  I kind of feel a little cheated and angry at the lies of the world (and some in the church) that I believed for YEARS.  People are so negative about marriage, love, family life, children, etc. that I think it has become normal to view it as the old "ball and chain" or a drudgery.  That viewpoint is part of the culture of death.  People would always tell me how HARD marriage would be, and if it wasn't, how HARD having children would be in the future, and remind me of the 50% divorce rate, and tell me that marriage won't fix all my problems, and that we need to be "wise" and "careful".  There is a grain of truth in all of that, but I have to think that if the family is to be an icon of the Trinity and the love of God himself, then of COURSE the enemy would want to destroy it.  And possibly prevent it from even happening in the first place.  I think way too many in the church have become used to bad-mouthing their spouse, bad-mouthing the sacrament of marriage in and of itself, or over-blowing the difficulties that exist.  I don't think I'm naive.  I know that difficulties exist and believe me, we have had our share.  We have known each other over 9 years and dated for the majority of 7 years before getting married.  I also believe that holy families are part of the culture of LIFE, and I wish that I had caught that vision earlier...I may have married years before.  Yes, it's hard.  But, it's also beautiful, fun, rewarding, and one of the ways God shows his love for us.  Yes, there is suffering, but it is one of the consistent ways I can die to myself, my pride, and my selfishness and serve another.  I want to be part of holding up marriage for others and encourage happy, holy, healthy marriages as the icon of love God intended.    

~4~

Christmas.  Similar to Lent, I have a hard time with Advent.  I don't know if I'm supposed to decorate at all or wait until Christmas.  I don't know if I can put out the nativity creche, but leave out the baby Jesus, or just get it all out and celebrate from Advent until Epiphany.  I have mixed feelings.  We didn't have Santa at our house growing up, nor did we have a lot of family traditions.  There was a tree, gifts, and traveling to visit family, but we definitely didn't celebrate Advent.  I really want to incorporate the liturgical calendar into our home and celebrate Advent, then Christmas (lasting until Epiphany), but I'm a little lost on what steps to take to do it right, and in the meantime, we are still recovering/cleaning up from our wedding.  (for real)

~5~

Work.  Most days I like my job, I just hate the TRAFFIC it takes to get there.  I am contemplating a move, or at least keeping my eyes open for one.  I think it's too soon to make a change, but I hope someday that I will spend less than 3 hours commuting per day and have a job that is fulfilling, pays well, and closer to home.  On the other hand, I'm grateful for this job.  It was an answer to prayer, and I will stay until the time is right to leave.  

~6~

Fambly.  (Family).  With Christmas right around the corner, I am already nervous about seeing my family again.  My parents are vehemently anti-Catholic, and some of my siblings are really going through a lot this year.  I want Christmas to be a happy time of seeing everyone, but often times there is underlying tension, unspoken expectations, and manipulation.  I have to prepare SO much in advance and work SO much in the moment to not get sucked into the drama and the typical family dynamic.  I have done it before, but it is exhausting to maintain boundaries with unhealthy people.  I continue to struggle with how to love and honor my parents when there is so much hurt (and potential for even more hurt) always there.  As I referenced in #4, I do think family is to be an icon of God's love, and when it is not, it is even more hurtful.  I think we are wired internally by nature to seek love from our parents and to want a place of peace or refuge in our family.  When it's not there, we know somehow that something is missing.  I doubt it'll be all wrapped up in a bow this side of heaven.  I just have to learn to accept and deal with what IS, not with what I'd like.  And that, my friend, is a continued grieving process.  

~7~

Life Makeover.  So, since getting married (which, as I said has been awesome), I have to say that some adjustments are definitely needed in my day to day schedule.  I am calling this my life makeover.  I have had the mentality however stupid it sounds that someday, I would get all "caught up."  That, I just need to clean, do my laundry, go through the mail, pay the bills, do the yard work, and then I'm done - all caught up.  I realize that there is no such thing as caught up.  Ever.  That thought is exhausting.  But, I have to try to view the tasks at hand in a different way.  I need a schedule to do those nagging, ongoing tasks regularly BEFORE they get out of hand.  I need to make sleep and exercise non-negotiables.  I need time with my husband when I'm not totally cranky, exhausted, in pain, etc.  I need to live in a house that is clean, NOT chaotic, and in order.  I need to go through stuff, downsize, minimize, etc., so that there is less to maintain in the first place.  (I'm thinking everything here - from paying all bills online to doing a capsule wardrobe to paying for someone else to do yard work or other tasks).  I need a re-do, a makeover.  I can't keep living with no margin, with no structure, and with everything left undone.  I feel like I am just getting by and doing the bare minimum.  Sometimes, I do okay, and then sometimes I look around at the madness and have a breakdown.  It's too much.  Sooo, maybe the new year would be a good time to try out my new life makeover.  Stay tuned.

I'm linking up today with This Ain't the Lyceum.  http://thisaintthelyceum.org/

Patron Saints of Whaddayacallit

So, there are patron saints of nearly anything and everything you can imagine.  I really take comfort in knowing that there is a great cloud of witnesses up there, and there is bound to be someone who really deeply cares about a conundrum I might be in, due to their own life experiences, etc.

(Don't believe me?  Look here: http://www.catholic.org/saints/patron.php)

For instance, I recently learned that I have major anxiety to the point of panic attacks (I always thought my feelings were normal).  Enter, St. Dymphna.  Then, I learned that St. Anthony can help when I lost stuff.  And, when I'm feeling really desperate, St. Rita is the patron of impossible causes.


I have no idea what to call this sneaking suspicion of mine. Do you ever have certain people, circumstances, or characteristics that seem to present themselves to you over and over?  Do you think this is for a reason - most specifically - to PRAY for that cause yourself?

I find myself being really bothered and saddened by ex-Catholics.  People who leave the church, especially if they leave under duress and consider themselves "recovering Catholic," or become anti-Catholic.  It breaks my heart, and I have to think they really didn't understand what they left.  I have a really negative reaction when a Catholic becomes a Calvinist.  I can hardly fathom it.  (I basically did the reverse, and I'm sure this is how my parents feel about my conversion to Catholicism.)  But, it is a cause close to my heart.  Whenever I hear people like this speak, or meet someone who identifies as "recovering Catholic," or talk to a friend and realize their background is Catholic (and now there's an ex- in front of the -Catholic part...), well, my heart breaks a little.  I have to think that the only reason these people come across my path, and the reason it hurts me so is that I am called to pray for them.

Another group that seems to present themselves to me, over and over (not entirely unrelated to the former) is gay friends and family I have.  I have a background in the arts, and whether there are more gay people in the arts, or they just feel more comfortable being "out" in those circles, I know LOTS of gay people, and I count them among my friends.  I feel so sad when they feel like they cannot be gay and Christian anymore, especially if they feel they cannot be gay and Catholic.  I also feel really sad when they perceive the Catholic Church to be against them, when I feel like it is one of the only Churches who has an answer for treating our sexuality with dignity and truth.

Again, I wonder - why do the stories of these people get to me so much?  I think about them, pray for them, I can't shake the thoughts.  I wonder if it's because I'm called to pray for them and be a patron for that cause on earth.  I can think of no other reason, and yet it's interesting and odd which "causes" present themselves to me.  I trust that God is revealing something to me when my heart has pangs of hurt.  As my husband reminds me, when something bothers me, spend MORE time with it, not less, until I can reach peace.  I hurt that the Church is mis-understood, and I hurt that people would leave it or would not feel welcome there.  As I wrestle with the people and situations presented to me, I am only at peace when I conclude that it must be for a purpose.  

St. Frances de Sales, pray for us!
St. Charles of Lwanga, pray for us!
  

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume I)

It's funny, I consider myself a bit of a "writer" on the side of my "real" life...and yet, I haven't written anything in FOREVER.  I decided to challenge myself with the 7QT this week, since I read everyone else's all the time, and it would be a good link up to get me to write...something.

1)  Happy feast of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta! 

If there ever were a saint among us, I feel sure we could say Mother Teresa was one.  (Although I remember my anti-Catholic parents lamenting that she wasn't a "real Christian" when she died...more on that another time.)  But, Mother Teresa was able to show the world, in great clarity and simplicity, who God is and what love does.  I've referenced her tiny living quarters in this post, but I continue to marvel that tiny little Teresa of Calcutta was able to change the world with such simplicity.  It seems that everything passed through her hands.  She didn't hold on to anything, she used it all for God, and she used it all the way up.

2)  T-G-I-F

It was only a 4 day work week, but heck if it didn't feel like double that.  I had such an awesome Labor Day weekend that maybe it made the rest of the week that much harder.

3)  Goin' to the chapel and we're...gonna get married

That's right...the countdown is on.  THIS is wedding month for me!!!  God help us and bless us!!  There's so much to do, so little time, no money left, and yet, I'm so excited!!

4)  I'm off the wagon (or is it on the wagon?) again with coffee 

I quit coffee about a year ago, cold turkey.  I just knew I needed to.  I had had about a 7 year love affair with the stuff, but something inside me told me that it was time to quit.  I did, and never felt better.  However, sometime again this summer, I picked it up again.  First, it was just at work...sometimes.  Then, I bought some for home because I was having company.  Then, I had to finish what I bought, of course, after the company left.  Well, it turns out that the caffeine still wreaks havoc on my system.  After about a month or two of steadily increasing coffee use, I also had increased anxiety, panic attacks, and insomnia.  Yes, all of those things could also be explained by the impending nuptials, financial concerns, family drama, etc., but the coffee sure didn't help.  So, I quit again.  Day 2.  Already feeling much MUCH better.  (Why can't I just remember that?!)

5)  I need friends

I'm relatively new to this city, been here about 1.5 years.  And, although the last several months have been a major focus upon wedding plans, I know when that all dies down, I will eventually need some friends to hang out with. I had made one really great new friend, and she moved a few weeks ago.  I feel like I haven't lived here long enough to have people moving away already, but it's time to put myself out there and try to get some new friends.  I'm really bad at that, as an introvert.  However, even though I like being alone, I still want and need friends.  I feel like I see the same people over and over (work, gym, other routines), and that it's hard to meet new people at this phase in my life.  So far, a new friendship hasn't presented itself, but I'm praying for just one new friend to take her place.  Although I consider my fiance to be my "best friend," I also firmly believe that we need other couples as friends, and that I need some girlfriends, and he needs some guy-friends to keep us all happy.  As a Catholic who is about to start practicing NFP, it would be great to have people that understood our "lifestyle," if you will.  I should just pray about it.  The friend that moved was a great, unexpected gift.  If God could give me her, then surely he could give me someone else.         

6)  It's the end of the world as we know it

...and I (don't) feel fine.  On a more serious note, it seems as if there is so much going on in our world.  Beheadings, torture, black masses, war...  I know to some extent, these things never stop, but it is SO sobering to me that when I stand up to say the Creed at church every Sunday, my brothers and sisters in Christ across the globe could be killed for doing the same thing.  Why was I born here, and they were born there?  It's not fair.  Why do those of us with freedom (religious or otherwise) sometimes take it SO for granted?  Where is the mass media on reporting this????  It seems like awareness is growing, especially after two American journalists were killed (may they rest in peace), but sometimes I feel like the world is coming to a crash around us, the enemy is gaining a foothold, and NO ONE notices.  We are busy scrutinizing the fashion choices of celebrities, or criticizing what seem to be TRIVIAL concerns of our local and national politics, when considering what is going on with the rest of the world.  Do we not notice the TRUE evil that is staring us in the face?  I hate the navel-gazing media style found in America of late, and it really concerns me that we are so unaware and (so far) unresponsive to this massive problem.  

7)  N-F-P

If you'd have told me 5 or 10 years ago that I'd be an NFP-using Catholic, I would have rolled my eyes, laughed, and told you the oldest joke in the book about NFP.  ("You know what they call people that use that method, right?  Parents.")  Anyway, I have learned a lot, and come a long way, not only in my understanding, but in my obedience to church teaching (thanks be to God, and more on that journey another time).  However, I get married later this month, and I can already say with full confidence that I may have a love/hate relationship with NFP.  First of all, not all of us are such textbook people that these methods are just easy-peasy.  I showed my charts to our NFP teacher (who is also a nurse), and even she couldn't decipher them.  I learned one method in class, then self-taught myself another method, and even with two methods sort of going at the same time, I feel like an idiot.  I feel frustrated.  I can't always decipher the signs.  I am not looking forward to days and days of abstinence simply because I don't KNOW what's going on, and yet, I know that all forms of love require sacrifice.  It's funny, I could talk to someone about the evils of contraception and how harmful I think it is to women and true feminism until I'm blue in the face.  However, when it comes to me and my body and NFP, it ain't easy.  I want to learn this stuff so well that I could teach it.  In theory, the theology and the application are BEAUTIFUL.  I really mean that.  And yet, learning it and applying it or understanding it as it applies to you and your body...well, that's a different story.  I want to find some couples who could be our friends who also practice NFP, but how exactly do you strike up THAT conversation?  And, we took our class at a parish different from our own (not offered at ours)...  Anyway, I digress.  I love NFP.  I thank God that I learned this stuff in Church!!  It's awesome!!  And yet, I kinda hate NFP.  It requires me to self-sacrifice.  It can be confusing.  It's embarrassing to talk about (sorry, it is).