7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXXIX)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.

~1~

Here is an awesome article about overcoming sins of the tongue.  Even us introverts can be very guilty about this.  I love and crave silence, but that doesn't mean I don't have inner noise.  At the same time, that doesn't mean I don't sin in my words also.  Lord, have mercy.

~2~  

Speaking of loving silence and being introverted, Susan Cain, author of Quiet, wrote an interesting article here about our personalities as we age.  Do you ever feel more introverted or extroverted with age?  It turns out that in our younger years, most of us are more extroverted overall because of the biological tendency to be seeking a mate and "putting ourselves out there."  As we age, we settle in more to our natural personalities and tendencies, become more emotionally stable, and sometimes more pronounced in our introversion/extroversion.

While I love people, I am an introvert at heart, although it oddly took me years to figure that out.  My growing up family did not exactly value introversion.  On the one hand, if my parents hadn't pushed me, I might be afraid to speak to people.  On the other hand, it was not "okay" in their eyes to not be a "people person."  As a pastor's kid and also with some narcissism in our household, there was this mindset that we had to appear one way to the outside world and put forth a certain image.  Part of it was also an attempt to convert people to Christianity.  In college, I constantly put myself in very extroverted situations - performing music, giving campus tours, being a freshman orientation leader.  Later in my twenties I worked as a college recruiter/admissions counselor.  I met with strangers constantly on campus as well as in travel.  While it was draining on some level, I also enjoyed it.  That interaction is one thing I miss in my current job...even though I'm an introvert.

I moved to one of the largest cities in the US a few years ago (where I currently live).  The constant flux of people in traffic, work, every store you visit, every activity you do outside the home, whether it's grocery shopping or church attendance, is quite draining to me as an introvert.  Even if I don't interact directly with all these people on the bus or in the store, I find the hustle and bustle of the big city to have its own quirky effects on my introverted personality.

What do you think?  Have you gotten more introverted or extroverted over time?  Are you married to someone who is opposite of you?  Do you find big cities taxing on your introverted soul?  Did you, like me, miss a call to the life of a hermit?  

~3~

Here is an awesome article about not giving into despair.  With our world the way it seems lately, it's easy to despair.  I recently heard a podcast on the Catholic Commute about the three cardinal virtues: faith, hope, and love.  His point was that most of us struggle primarily with one of those three, while to some degree, we all struggle with all three.  I'm pretty sure that I struggle with hope the most, as I am prone to despair.  I didn't even know it was a sin for a long time!  Growing up Calvinist, despair and the wringing of hands were commonplace when we evaluated our world.  I somehow internalized the message that despair and self-hatred were holy.  Now I know that hope is a virtue, one I seek to cultivate.

~4~

I have to say, after the Orlando shootings, not only was the event itself devastating, but the reaction in the culture was equally devastating to me.  This article by Sister Theresa Aletheia Noble was one of the best responses I have seen.

"I pray for anyone who uses the media to promote violence, including any kind of petty division and animosity toward those we perceive to be our ideological opponents."

"Will this tragedy move us to become more like Omar Mateen or more like Christ?"

~5~

As a classically trained musician, it was heartwarming to see this article about a priest who uses his piano skills to relate to people, much like others would use sports.  I wax nostalgic for the days in which everyone had a basic music education, could read music (such as a hymn), and in which a piano was in most middle-class homes.  

~6~

It seems the Pope has made yet another controversial statement by saying that most Catholic marriages are likely null.  I have to say, if our marriage preparation was any indication of the typical Catholic marriage preparation across the US, then he is probably right.  It was abysmal.  

We took a personality test, which had wildly inaccurate results for us, and reviewed it with a non-therapist over several weeks.  We attended a one day-long workshop with a minimal discussion on issues such as finances, sex, extended family/in-laws, religion, etc. with input from a non-therapist facilitator, a married couple, and a priest.  

If it weren't for the fact that I had dated my husband off and on for seven years before we married, and for the fact that we had been going through a reputable couple's relationship book and workbook on our own (at the recommendation of a licensed therapist), and the fact that I was seeing a therapist due to my family's rejection of our marriage and my Catholicism, and the fact that my husband came from a very stable, loving home, and the fact that we (on our own) sought out and attended sessions about NFP, Theology of the Body, and Natural Law all before getting marriage...then, I fear we would have no tools going into our marriage and be another statistic.  

I remember looking around the room during the one-day workshop and wondering which of us would make it, and which of us would not.  I feel too young to already know people who have been divorced and remarried.  And yet, with the lack of Catholic marriage preparation we received and the way our culture is, I understand why many marriages fail, or why they are deemed "null" in the first place.  Maybe there are more annulments now because more people really do not know what they are getting into and how to fulfill their vows.  

If the marriage of a man and a woman is a profound mystery, a union that mirrors the love of Christ for the Church, it is no wonder that it is so messed up.  It's a prime target for the enemy, and we have few examples of long, loving, healthy relationships. 

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 

and the two will become one flesh.  

This mystery is profound, 

but I am speaking about Christ and the church."

~ Ephesians 5:31-32 ~

~7~

I'm doing a novena to Our Lady, Undoer of Knots.  So powerful!  I'd never seen this image before.  

Pray for us!

  

    

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXXIII)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.  

~1~

I'm baaack.

So, I kind of took a blogging hiatus for about the last 4 months...not that anyone even reads/notices/cares, but I'm back-ish.  I'm not sure if this space will stay what it has been, but I re-activated ye-old blog for now. 

I really have felt the need to retreat and get my priorities straight the last few months.  I'm not sure I'm "there" yet, but I enjoyed the break.  By the same token,  I have a strong need to write.  I want to start a blog or write a book or something.  And yet, I really feel like I need to retain some privacy. (Ari is a nickname.)  At the same time, I have considered purchasing a domain and just starting a new blog there.  Lots to keep in mind.  I want it to have the potential to talk about anything, but most of the things I think to write about concern my Catholic faith.  

~2~

Future.

Life is really good with my husband.  I thank God for that and for him every day.  I do wonder what our future holds.  In other words, will we ever have children?  It's hard to be a female in the Catholic blog-o-sphere because it seems that everyone is a mom-blogger or has 1-10 children.  I'm certainly open to life and want children.  We practice NFP right now.  It's tax season and open enrollment for my insurance at work.  More than ever, the reality has set in that we just cannot afford children right now.  And there are other factors, like my husband's disability.  And other factors too, concerning my health.  Sometimes I wonder how the middle class ever make it in this country.  Are we even middle class?  Our mortgage went up, our insurance went up, our phone bill went up, etc....of course the salaries have not gone up and the coverage of said insurance has decreased.  It's just a crunch time for us financially...and will be for at least the next 3 years or so.  By then I will be even-more-advanced maternal age.  I don't want to give into despair.  And yet, I didn't think this would be my life story.    

Jesus, I trust in You. 

Thy will be done.  

~3~

Commute.

On a lighter note, one major shift that has occurred since the last blog post was that I am now a commuter who uses public transportation.  I have always hated driving, but the possibility of using public transportation to get to work has never been an option, even though we live in one of the largest cities in the US.  However, recently the routes and whatnot have been changed for the buses in our city.  Wouldn't you know it, but I can now get on a nice charter-type bus, and let someone else deal with traffic for me?  It's awesome.  I'm dropped off right by my office.  I can park for free where I catch the bus, or if need be, my husband can drop me off because it's not too far from home. Granted, it still takes about 1.5 - 2 hours to get to and from work, so I'm still basically gone 7a-7p most days, and that does suck....but the amount of time that I personally am driving every day has been reduced from 2-4 hours per day to about 1 hour per day.  This is a huge improvement on my mental health, wear-and-tear on my car, and physical health.  I just can't even express the joy that I have found not having to drive so much in the worst traffic on earth.  It has also made me better able to cope with my job and some of the innate frustrations of work.  I don't arrive at work after fighting traffic for 1.5-2 hours.  I don't arrive home hangry and in near tears out of stress, I arrive after sitting on an air-conditioned bus while I sip coffee, read, or listen to podcasts.  It's amazing.  I feel like this change has bought me more time at my job.  I didn't see how it was sustainable for the long-run...even though I've worked here for over 3 years now.  It has been a major, drastic, awesome life change.  I can't fathom going back to driving so much.      

~4~

Mass.

Thanks to another shift in the schedule of a nearby chapel, I'm able to attend daily mass a few days a week now during my lunch break.  I really felt like I needed something more in my spiritual life. And, while I still need even more of God in my life, these few extra days a week in which I can receive the Eucharist and go to mass are a huge, huge blessing.  

~5~

Easter. 

We had a wonderful Easter a few weeks ago.  We went to the Easter Vigil, which lasted almost 4 hours at our church.  After it was over, we saw some friends of ours from the young adult group.  They invited a bunch of us over for crepes.  It was so fun.  I felt like a crazy Catholic, having a post-Easter-vigil party in the middle of the night.  We got home around 3:30 am, and had to be up at 5:30 am to play music for Easter services the next day.  Yes, we were so tired on 2 hours of sleep, but it was worth it.  I always think back to my partying, "worldly" days or college exploits.  I would have easily partied through the night for less-than-noble reasons in my past...why can't we celebrate the Resurrection with our friends in the same, over-the-top way?  The answer is, we can!  Christ is risen.      

~6~

Conversion Story.

I found out that in the future (not sure when), my conversion story will appear on the Coming Home Network - either in the newsletter or website (or both?).  As I stated before, Ari is a nickname for me.  It was important that my story retain some amount of privacy, due to the things I shared about my family and the way my Catholicism has affected my relationship with my parents.  (Short story - it has been rough, my dad is a Protestant minister of the anti-Catholic variety.)  I have shared most of my story on this blog, too.  

     [You can read it here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV if interested]

Anyway, my husband has a family member who is marrying a non-Catholic soon.  The future spouse has pressured my husband's family member to leave the Church.  I truly think that only those who don't fully understand the faith could ever leave it.  It breaks my heart.  When I heard about that situation, I felt the urge to write my story down and submit it to the Coming Home Network.  I thought, even if it could help one person, I should tell it.  Of course, immediately after sending I felt a nauseous pang of regret, but I chalked that up to the enemy.  I'm not perfect, and I love hearing how God has worked in the lives of others.  Why not share how He has worked in mine too?  I'll keep the blog updated as to when the story is posted on the Coming Home Network.  

~7~

Prayers.

I feel a strong urge to pray for this crazy, fallen world of ours.  It seems like every single day, something more horrifying than the previous day occurs.  It's overwhelming to me.  I have family members in dangerous parts of the world, although, I'm coming to think that "dangerous" is everywhere.   

Did you know that St. Faustina was told in her visions that before Christ came as Judge, there would be a renewal of His Mercy?  I think we are in that renewal now.  The Year of Mercy.  Our world needs mercy.  A true understanding of it.  (Side note - one of the best books I have read recently is Remembering God's Mercy by Dawn Eden...check it out.)  

Anyway, will you consider praying for our country?  against ISIS?  for Catholics to come home?  for whatever God places across your path?  Even if it's an extra Hail Mary a day, or a quick "Lord, have Mercy," our world needs it.  

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXX)

 I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.

~1~

There, but for the grace of God, go I. 

There are lots of situations that phrase can apply to, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."  I'm not an alcoholic or a drug addict.  I didn't hurt anyone the times I have driven after drinking.  I didn't find myself in a marriage that didn't work.  Just like Mary was saved from original and actual sin before it happened (by her Immaculate Conception), I've been saved from a lot of stuff before it happened.

But one that really struck a nerve with me this week was in Verily magazine: I Donated My Eggs, and I Regret It.  I didn't donate my eggs, but I almost did.

I was in graduate school, and extremely poor.  While I had a teaching assistantship and an outside job, I still made less than $10,000/year and worked or went to school all the time.  The cost of living was low, and at the time, I had $0 debt, so I was able to make it work without even going into debt by the end of it.  However, there were ads in our school newspaper that called for egg donors.  You could make really good money, like several thousand dollars (and this was about 10+ years ago).  They preferred women below 30 who were healthy, smart, etc.  It seemed easy, like I could do some good for society and make some money.  So, I applied to donate my eggs.  I filled out all the paperwork about my background, personal health, social history, intelligence, family history, etc.  I also sent a picture, which was required.  At the time I thought, this is a win-win.  I could make some money as a poor graduate student, and these strangers could have a child.  I wasn't sure I wanted children at the time.  I wasn't Catholic, there were no moral dilemmas.  To me, it seemed about as difficult as taking some hormones for a few months, then cha-ching, get the cash.  I had taken the BC pill with no obvious side-effects, and so I thought it would be similar.

Well, thank God, along the way, something inside me made me hesitate.  I thought about having offspring I didn't even know about roaming the world.  Someone with my nose or my walk or my cheeks...that I didn't know personally or possibly didn't even know existed.  I thought about running into them years later, and something made me hesitate.

I went so far as to apply and talk to the agency on the phone several times.  I'm not a model or anything, but I do have a very high IQ and was very healthy at the time.  I fit their criteria. I think that made me appealing to the prospects, and I was poised to take the first steps with the agency.

Eventually I stopped taking their phone calls and didn't go through with it.  I figured, I was making it on my tiny salary.  It would be nice to have the extra cash, but I didn't need it.  And there was that hesitation.

A few years later, I remember sitting in Catholic Church when from the pulpit, it was mentioned in the homily that surrogate parenting, IVF, and using these types of technologies for reproduction was immoral.  It's the first I'd ever heard that.  While I was skeptical and still not Catholic at the time, I thought, "Well, at least I didn't do it, one less thing to worry about."

Fast forward to now, and I thank God I didn't do it.  I understand now that it violates the sexual act and natural law.  I know about Theology of the Body and practice NFP now.  As much as I feel for infertile couples, I do understand the greater ramifications that such an immoral action would have had.  They are now finding that there are major problems with the hormones given to such donors, not to mention the angst explained in the link about creating a human life that you are separated from. There are alternatives, such as NaPro technology, which work with our bodies instead of against them.

A quote (questionably attributed to Albert Einstein), "I fear the day when technology has surpassed our humanity."  Whether he said it or not, we have arrived at that day.

~2~      

Conversion. 

I love a good conversion story.  Head over to The Heart's Overflow to read several of them compiled recently: Volume I, Volume II.  I really enjoy seeing how God works in everyone in a way they can perceive.  Every conversion story is so different and interesting.  

 ~3~

Sanity, Sanctity and Sexuality.

This article by Father Dwight Longenecker talks about how saints are a balance of masculinity and femininity because they are a picture of what we will all be in heaven.  They are not effeminate men, aggressive females, nor are they asexual.  They are not macho men or Barbie doll girls, but they are a completed fulfillment of what we are meant to be as humans. 

I thought it was a rather profound and fascinating article. I never felt like I fit the stereotypical female.  I'm an introvert, I hate the color pink, and I never played with Barbies.  My husband doesn't fit the stereotypical male, either.  He's extremely expressive and emotional, he hates football, and he's a great cook.  I realize these sound like really superficial reasons for not being traditionally masculine or feminine, and that's exactly my point.  They are superficial ways of measuring that.  We don't really fit the superficial mold, not that we are just walking saints who are fully integrated like the people Fr. Dwight Longenecker references.  But, this article gave me hope that by accepting myself and growing in holiness, I will actually grow in what it means to be a woman.

With Theology of the Body and my Catholic faith, I'm trying to figure out what exactly it means to be a woman.  It has always been a confusing and conflicting thing for me. Don't get me wrong, I definitely identify as female, but I don't feel like I have good female role models - I've got a lot of secular feminist examples and doormat "submissive" Protestants in my background.  Isn't there a happy, healthy medium of what it means to be a woman?

What is authentic, Catholic femininity?

~4~

Nuts. 

My coworkers lately are driving me nuts.  I don't have a holy stamp to put on that, or a way to redeem it and say that I see Christ in them.  I don't.  I'm just annoyed and have to figure out some ways to deal with it.

In the words of Miranda Preistly from Devil Wears Prada, "That's all."

~5~

Halloween / Reformation Sunday.  

We don't have kids and won't be passing out candy this year, but Halloween weekend coincides with "Reformation Sunday."  This is the day when Protestant churches gloat about the fact that they aren't Catholic.  To be honest, it breaks my heart.  Whether they vocalize it or not, they'll be saying, "Thank God we aren't like those people.  If it weren't for Martin Luther, we wouldn't know how important the Bible is, or how wrong Rome is, or what the "real gospel" is."  This year is the 500 year anniversary of the Protestant revolt.  

This is not Christian unity.  As they sing "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God," the misunderstandings just get deeper and deeper, the chasm between Protestants and Catholics just gets larger, myths against the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church just perpetuate.

I used to think that all the denominations were just part of a beautiful tapestry, that none of us had the complete truth, but that together, we did.  Now, I see the thousands of "denominations" as a vast misunderstanding of what Christ wanted for us as his followers, which has resulted in chaos, confusion, division, and yes, hate.*

*If you think Protestants don't hate Catholics anymore, you should meet some of my family members.  (Yes, I know most aren't like that.  And, yes, I'm sure there are hateful Catholics too.)

Called to Communion is a great website that answers a lot of the objections of Protestantism to Catholicism.  David Anders points out that Calvin and Luther would not recognize modern Protestantism, and that the Evangelical Christian churches do not adhere to the teachings of early Reformation leaders.  This study led him into the Catholic Church.

Al Kresta's show, Kresta in the Afternoon, on 10/28/2015 in Hour 2 addressed this really well.  Take a listen here if you'd like.  He discusses this in an historical, balanced way, but doesn't have time to go into too much depth.  

~6~

Weekend. 

Speaking of the weekend, I am planning a surprise "stay-cation" for my husband and myself this weekend.  We are re-visiting a hotel we stayed at for the beginning of our honeymoon last year (before leaving for the rest of our honeymoon) and going to eat at a cool restaurant in the area that we ate at right after getting married last year.  It's only a few miles from our house, but a little fancy.  We haven't been to either place since then.  I got a discounted rate, and we have the free time plus an extra hour of sleep.  I've devised some rhyming clues to tell him where we're going...but not until Saturday.  Should be fun!

~7~

Mutlipotentialite.

Call us Renaissance persons or... multipotentialites.  I just watched this Ted Talk by Emilie Wapnick, and it really resonated.  If you've ever felt like you "missed your calling" because you didn't want to do just one thing with your life or were good at more than one thing or had very diverse interests...you might be a multipotentialite.  

I have degrees in music and in a foreign language.  I have worked in the music industry, higher education, and for the church (both Catholic and Protestant churches).  I currently work in higher education in a job description that seeks someone with a computer science background.  Sometimes I have an existential crisis because I feel like I should be doing more in music.  I also am interested in possibly getting another (fifth) degree...this time in Theology.  Due to my personality (an INF/TJ), I tend to be obsessed with something or completely uninterested in something.  Emilie says "follow your curiosity down those rabbit holes..."  My profile on this very blog says, "I believe that following those little rabbit trails of interest can sometimes lead you to your destiny..."  

Idea Synthesis, Rapid Learning, Adaptability are three skills Emilie identifies in multipotentialites.  

Wow...soo I think I'm a multipotentialite.  Emilie divides the population into specialists and multipotentialite.  As the latter, I have to say that I think I'm a specialist in multiple areas, or a specialist for a limited time in many areas before moving on.  What about you?  Does this understanding make sense for you or someone you know?   

Anyway, another fascinating look at humanity.  I love Ted Talks! 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Have a wonderful weekend.

From this morning's Divine Office:

"Let us adore Christ who offered himself to the Father through the Holy Spirit to cleanse us from the works of death. Let us adore him and call upon him with sincere hearts: 

In your will is our peace, Lord."

   

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXIX)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you 7 Quick Takes from my world this week... and hey-o imagine my surprise when I saw that I got a shout-out from Kelly herself about my post last week that Jesus is a really bad driver.  (Really, he is - see #3 of last week's 7 quick takes.)  

~1~

To answer the survey question about my most and least popular posts, I'm pretty sure it's hard to distinguish between the two, since this blog is not exactly mainstream.  I got more hits on my NFP Awareness Week post earlier this summer than many others, though.

~2~

Undoer of Knots. 

About a year ago, I became acquainted with Our Lady, Undoer of Knots.  I love the depiction of Our Lady, dutifully untying the knots (our problems, our prayers) that are brought to her by angels. Pope Francis has also indicated a devotion to her.

Recently on our wedding anniversary, someone gave us a small picture placard of Our Lady, Undoer of Knots.  I usually think of her as solving impossible problems, situations that we cannot figure out. But, the friend who gifted us with this also said she's great for marriages.

Fast forward a few weeks, and Our Lady, Undoer of Knots was the last thing on my mind.  I was thinking of my marriage.  We have a wonderful relationship.  I am so much happier as a married person, and we are in love and trying our hardest.  At the same time, I still feel some barriers between me and my husband.  Old wounds, old grudges, old fears that are still there at times on my part. Things are great, and yet I can sense within my heart some hesitations to love fully.  Without too much thought, I identified this "stuff" as a knot in my mind.  And then immediately I remembered Our Lady, Undoer of Knots.  Our marriage is great...but I still feel some knots.

Those barriers between us really do feel like knots - knots of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, the feeling of panic, chest pain that feels like a knot, like my heart is literally breaking or hurting from worry or old wounds, situations that are so complicated that a knot is the best way to visualize them. As wonderful as married life is, we already (or still) have some knots.  We didn't do everything right while we were dating, we haven't always practiced the faith, and I am a really wounded, messed up person sometimes.  I haven't totally forgiven everything emotionally speaking...I know this because I still feel the ache...the knot...sometimes.  I believe forgiveness is an act of the will.  I have consciously forgiven.  I'm waiting for the emotions to catch up.

Our Lady, Undoer of Knots...pray for us.  Pray for me.  Pray for my husband.  Pray for my marriage.

~3~

Forgiveness.

A few years ago, I read the book by Immaculée Ilibagiza called Left to Tell.  It chronicles her harrowing experience of surviving the Rwandan genocide.  Not only was her survival miraculous on many levels, but she talks about the absolute need for forgiveness to survive.  She walks in freedom because she has forgiven those who hurt her.

It's an amazing story, and recently I started following Immaculee on Twitter.  She tweeted something about how once, she and another woman were applying for the same job.  Immaculee really needed and wanted that job.  So, she prayed a rosary that the other woman would find a different job so that she herself could have the job they both applied for...and it worked.

Recently, there was a situation in which my husband and I were invited to an event that included the attendance of a really negative person in our lives.  Someone who tried to tear us apart and nearly succeeded.  A very toxic person who cannot be trusted in more than one way, for more than one reason.  I know that it's possible I will have to run into this person eventually, even though we live in one of the largest cities in the US.  I just didn't want to go to the event for that reason, but my husband did for many reasons, his career/networking being one of them (kind of important).  I didn't want to re-hash all the reasons I didn't want to see this person or even explain to my husband that that was the reason.  I expressed some resistance and said, "maybe," and that I wanted the option to play it by ear on the day of the event. I considered lying about being sick, but decided that was wrong.  Although the wound from this person is something I think about often, and maybe even too often, I didn't want to talk about it with my husband.  I thought it would re-open old wounds, and my thinking about it often is something I'm trying to deal with.  Although we may run into the person eventually, I didn't want to go to an event in which their presence was guaranteed.  I still feel like I need more time to be ready for that moment.  

I prayed to God and acquiesced to whatever His will was.  If my husband really wanted to go to the event, I told God that He would have to give me the grace to handle it.  I figured it was better that we both see this person than just one of us.  That way, we could present a united front.  In addition, I figured the best way to live out my vocation as a wife is to support my husband.  So, I didn't want to cause a fight if he really wanted to go to this event.  I understood his reasoning, and I thought maybe I needed to suck it up.  I saw Immaculee's tweet around this time, and I prayed that perhaps this person would find other plans for the evening, rather than showing up to the same event.  I also went ahead and prayed that perhaps s/he would find a significant other, so as not to try to interfere with our marriage.

Within moments of those prayers - both to have the grace to support my husband and to perhaps give the other person alternate plans (both for the event and for the long run) - I got a text on my phone.  I knew it was from my husband.  I knew it was in regard to our plans that evening.  I composed myself and braced myself and read the text.  I had been in existential drama for days about this.  His text said something like, "My family would like us to join them for an impromptu dinner.  We are all on the same side of town, would you like to do that?"  To my sweet relief, this time around, an alternative was presented.  I said a hearty, "YES."

Thank you, Jesus, for providing a way of dealing with a difficult situation that didn't involve me fighting, having a panic attack, dredging up the past, or dealing with something I'm not quite ready for.  I know that a prayer being "answered," doesn't always mean I get my way.  I'm just glad that an alternative was presented to me, and that it was my husband's idea.  

Your grace really is enough.

~5~

Love Your Enemies.  

The next time you're tempted to think that all religions are essentially the same, remember that Jesus said to "love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" (Matthew 5:44)  This is revolutionary stuff.  While other religions may promote peace and goodwill, or some version of "the golden rule," none go so far as to say you must love your enemy.

It hurts, it's the right thing to do, and it's difficult in our human nature.  Here is a wonderful prayer to pray for your "enemies," those who hurt you, those whom you are tempted to will evil against.  When we pray for our enemies, we have completely thwarted the devil's plans.  We not only forgive them, we pray that they will be converted.  We can offer up our pain for their salvation and for ours.  In these moments of knots and pain from others, I always hear the refrain from the Anima Christi, "Within thy wounds, hide me."

"Lord Jesus Christ, Who didst command us to love our enemies, and those who defame and injure us, and to pray for them and forgive them; Who Thyself didst pray for Thine enemies, who crucified thee: grant us, we pray, the spirit of Christian reconciliation and meekness, that we may heartily forgive every injury and be reconciled with our enemies.  Grant us to overcome the malevolence and offences of people with Christian meekness and true love of our neighbor.  We further beseech Thee, O Lord, to grant to our enemies true peace and forgiveness of sins; and do not allow them to leave this life without true faith and sincere conversion. And help us repay evil with goodness, and to remain safe from the temptations of the devil and from all the perils which threaten us, in the form of visible and invisible enemies.  Amen."  

~6~

I have mentioned Joseph Sciambra before.  He is a former gay man, now practicing Catholic.  He writes bluntly and profoundly about his experience, both "coming out" as gay, and coming out of that lifestyle.  I will say his writing challenges me.  This article of his, in Church Pop, is some of his best writing, in my opinion.

Let's all join our prayers with his that all would be transformed by the power of God, especially our gay friends, brothers and sisters.  

~7~

Yesterday morning was going along fine and dandy until I realized it was only Thursday.  So, we finally made it to Friday.  For some reason, it's been a loooong week around here.

In honor of St. John Chrysostom, whose feast day it is today, a little quote from him.  This is a friendly reminder that when those earthly relationships sometimes disappoint, God loves us more than we can imagine.  And when those earthly relationships are deeply satisfying and a glimpse of God's love, remember that it's only a portion of God's love for us...the tip of the iceburg...an icon of the real thing.

The Morning After

I came across this story from someone who took years to realize that the morning-after pill was something to take to the confessional.

I have my own story about the morning-after pill.  It's the reason I say that I broke all 10 commandments before age 25.

I was 19, a college sophomore, and had begun a non-romantic, yet still sexual, relationship with an older guy.  He didn't know I was a virgin, or that it was my first time.  I didn't know what I was getting into, but I was actually proud of myself for losing the V-card before I turned 20.  10 days before, to be exact.

I guess it was part of the college rebellion, shedding the strict upbringing of my parents.  Sex was never really explained or described to me, just mentioned in the same breath as "neverdoituntilyouremarried" every single time it was mentioned.  I knew that it needed to be "safe" for more than one reason, pregnancy prevention being one of them.  The female body was somewhat abhorred in our house growing up.  Not to be too TMI, but just to explain how extensive this attitude was... I never even told my mom the first time I got my period.  It was something to be ashamed of, something to never speak of, even to your mom.  I was 12.  I had to walk to the drug store, buy things with my own money, and deal with it.  Oddly enough, my first thought was that if I were to get raped, I could become pregnant.  It felt like the end of my childhood.    

When I went to college, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.  I attended church and enjoyed hearing about how God was good and that God was love.  It was a breath of fresh air from my Calvinistic childhood, and the pendulum swung to the charismatics for a while.  At the same time, I was also discovering the beauty and reverence of the liturgy in a high church Protestant setting.  All of this was in the context of a secular, private college.  I didn't want to be one of those people, so I also partied each weekend while attending church most Sundays.  In some senses, we were safer than most college-aged partiers.  We could drink on campus, and my friends and I looked out for each other.  In other senses, I was playing with fire and playing Russian roulette with my fertility, my sexuality, my life, my so-called freedom.

Everything's fun and games until the condom breaks.

I assured my not-boyfriend that I would "take care of it."  I went to Planned Barrenhood Parenthood the next day and got emergency contraception.  It consisted of two pills, taken a specific number of hours apart and within a certain window of time from the sexual act.  I remember my hands shaking as I washed down the pill with a water bottle at a gas station.  Then, I promptly put it all out of my mind and went on with life.  I felt a deep sense of shame walking into Planned Parenthood.  I was a scholarship recipient.  I knew better.  I got good grades and worked my way through college.  But, nonetheless, I felt I had no other choice.  I never told anyone, just the not-boyfriend that it had been "taken care of."

A few years later, when a similar situation happened with a different guy, it was that much easier to get emergency contraception again.  This time, the shaking and shame weren't really there.  I also began to go to Planned Parenthood to get discounted birth control.  I remember wearing the scuzziest clothes I had, including a hoodie.  I didn't want to be spotted walking in and out of there. Yet, I still felt I had no other choice.

At the time, I had bought all the propaganda, hook-line-and-sinker.  I told several friends that no one was really pro-abortion, just pro-choice - where else would desperate women go?  I also extolled Planned Parenthood for offering pre-natal care and birth control.  I convinced one friend to be "pro-choice" based on these arguments.  I convinced another to stop using condoms and take the pill.  I didn't discuss with either of them that I had used emergency contraception, just that women needed to have these options.

I have taken the birth control pill a few times off and on.  Once for a year after college.  At other times, it was prescribed by my doctor to prevent acne.  By the end of my twenties, I had learned that it was a carcinogenic.  It was that fact, not the abortifacient properties, that really made me want to stop taking it.

Finally, by the grace of God, I not only became Catholic, but I stopped the sexual sins a few years later and had sort of a re-conversion.  Unlike the lady in the article linked above, I immediately thought of the times I took emergency contraception and confessed them, along with the birth control usage, along with the sexual activity driving the use of those drugs.  I knew it was wrong when I did it. With confession, I was finally free.

I'm not sure if those pills ever prevented a fertilized egg from implanting.  I guess I will find out in heaven.  I do know that I deeply regret it.  The intention to take a life (if it existed or not) was why I took those pills.  That, my friend, is a mortal sin.  I deeply regret the rebellion of my youth.  For as difficult and uncomfortable as my parents were with "the talk," they were right about trying to tell me not to have sex until marriage.

I've tried the world's ways.  I lived the Sex and the City lifestyle for the majority of my twenties.  I also tried the Protestant ways.  While the conclusions of Protestants are often similar to Catholics on moral teaching, the view of the human person is vastly different.  I found more in common with secular humanists and with reformed Calvinists than one would think at first glance.  You see, in both cases, the body is unimportant.  To the secular humanist, the body is meaningless, you assign the meaning.  And usually, pleasure wins out.  To the Calvinist, the body is the source of sin and shame, the home of your totally depraved self.  They forget that if we are truly people of the resurrection, we must not forget the body.  It was not until I discovered the Catholic teaching, especially Theology of the Body, and initially as explained by Christopher West, that I realized my body was good.  So good, in fact, that it deserved even more dignity, respect, and honor.  Our sexuality was a gift, not a taboo, or a no-no.  Not something to be taken for granted or toyed with.  Something to honor.  I was not a soul living in a body, I was an embodied soul.

Even now, 9 years after becoming Catholic, and a few years into my deeper re-conversion, I am still learning so much more about this topic.  I am married and practice NFP now.  I also still ponder the mystery of the body and of our sexuality.  With the attacks in our culture on the body, on marriage, on sexuality through every imaginable vice, I really think these teachings are key to understanding the human person and therefore, to understanding God.

I still don't know the role I'm supposed to play in this, but I know that I am called to pray.  There is a better way.  You don't have to repress your sexuality.  It is a gift.  However, you don't have to indulge in it to the point of addiction and hedonism.  It has to be understood in context.  There's a better way.

7QT: Seven Quick Takes - NFP Style (Volume XX)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you 7 quick takes (+1 to grow on) from my world this week.

It's NFP awareness week, and if there's one thing I'm super-aware of, it's fertility...specifically mine and my husband's.  

So, here's a link to the 8 takes I have on NFP, written earlier this week.  

When I think of family life and human nature/sexuality, John Paul II comes immediately to mind.  

St. Pope John Paul II, pray for us!

Happy NFP Awareness Week

According to the USCCB, it's National NFP Awareness Week.

It seems like last year at this time, there was much more awareness, or maybe because I was just learning to chart with Natural Family Planning and preparing for marriage, I was much more aware.  This year, I haven't come across as many blog posts or articles about it.  I'm now married, using NFP, going on about 10 months.  You could say we are "successful," in that we have been using NFP to avoid pregnancy, and so far, we have.

So...what could I say about NFP that hasn't already been said?  Likely, not much, but I will offer my 2 cents on the matter.

1)  NFP is hard.  
NFP, if you're using it to avoid pregnancy, is difficult.  It can be difficult because you're super-fertile, infertile, have wonky signs, etc.  It can be difficult because you've got signs that can be discerned, but it requires abstinence from your husband/very best friend/life partner, and you just so happen to be in love with that person and sleeping next to them every night.  NFP is also hard if you're using it to achieve pregnancy and have encountered unexpected obstacles.  It requires discipline, self-control, and sacrifice.  

2)  NFP should be universally taught to all fertile females.
I was so surprised that the signs of ovulation were never taught to me.  Essentially, the heart of NFP is recognizing when you're fertile and infertile, naturally within a cycle.  We all have had to learn about "that time of the month," and it's essentially unavoidable.  But, ovulation is the other "time of the month," and though not quite as obvious, can usually be determined.  The culture of death and the prevalent use of birth control has subtly taught us that our fertility is a hassle, at best, and a curse to be medicated away, at worst.  The female body is objectified by our culture, and yet shrouded in mystery.  The thought that we could use science to understand ourselves is somehow disregarded when it comes to female fertility, and it seems like the pill is seen as the universal answer.  I think all females should learn about their entire cycle, from a young age, regardless of whether they'll marry or not.  It cannot hurt, and maybe it'll keep some from using birth control unnecessarily.  And speaking of birth control...

3)  The real war on women is staring us right in the face. 
I remember specifically asking my doctor about the increased chances of cancer when taking the pill a few years ago, and she said there was nothing to worry about.  Come to find out, it is a class 1 carcinogen according to the World Health Organization.  Follow the money on that one, is big pharma benefiting from the widespread ignorance and medication of women?  Most likely.  Follow the culture of death, is widespread suppression of our fertility having other negative effects?  Yes.

What gets me really riled up is that, if I wanted to be chemically sterilized and on the pill the rest of my fertile years, the government would make sure that was free.  However, if I wanted to have a family, whether big or small, the government and my job would make that a much more difficult choice, through the costs of pregnancy, labor, and childcare, and through the lack of support post-partum with my job.  In our culture, it's easier to choose sterility or "child-free."  And that lack of support for the traditional family choice really saddens me.  Maybe because it's a choice I'd like to make, but don't know how it would be possible for us in the foreseeable future.

4)  Stop complaining. 
Perhaps related to #3, true feminism to me is the ability to have a family and stay at home, to have a family and work, or to not have a family, depending on where you feel God is calling you.  (Yes, I'm Catholic and a feminist, and yes, I'm referring to grave reasons for no family at all.)  Having pointed out that our culture encourages the autonomy of adults and a minimal family size, I wish that all Catholics and Christians would be supportive of other families, regardless of their size or station in life.  You never know what they are going through that leads to their current circumstances.  Maybe they are "open to life," and can't conceive.  Maybe they have financial or medical problems that you know nothing about.  Maybe their giant family and super-fertility is a cross for them.

It's just that, when you're the infertile or sub-fertile woman, and all you'd want it is to stay at home with your own children and not work, it's really hard to hear mothers in that position complaining about it.  By the same token, when you're the stay-at-home-mom, working her ass off for her family, and someone says something insensitive like, "I wish I had that kind of free time...what do you do all day?" it's a slap in the face.

Let's respect one another, not make assumptions, and stop complaining about our lives.  Someone may be praying to have the very life circumstances that they see you living with ingratitude, and it can be so so hurtful.  There's a difference between having a bad day, needing to express frustration, and complaining about your station in life.  I'm objecting to the complaining.  

5)  We need community.  
While I think we should refrain from making assumptions and attacking one another, we definitely need community to let off steam or feel heard/understood by our fellow sojourners.  That's why I think conferences like Edel are so great.  (I just wish there was something like it for all Catholic women, not just mothers.)  All people need to know they are not alone, and creating communities is a great way to support one another.

When I wrote about the gay marriage debate, I mentioned that creating a culture of life, supporting marriage and family life within the church through communities, is one way I think we can "fight back."  I think that we need to create a civilization of love, and by making our churches vibrant, supportive places for families in all stages, it will be attractive.  We need better marriage preparation and help for newlyweds. We need more NFP classes and teachers.  We need to connect older "successful" couples with younger ones.  We need single people to feel welcome in families. Basically, we need community. Unfortunately, in my experience, the Protestants have us Catholics beat on this by a long shot, and it's a shame.  I would really like to see something happen in my own parish, and I'm trying to figure out how I can help, but I think we've got to address this as Church.    

6)  There is always a cross.
Before I learned about Theology of the Body and NFP, I really had no qualms about any form or expression of sexuality.  I guess I thought that it was cruel to ask a gay friend to be celibate for life, when none of my straight friends were celibate or disciplined in any form of sexual restraint (myself included).  I thought "anything goes."  Once I learned, accepted, and practiced Church teaching, it turns out that all of us have a cross to bear, and all love requires sacrifice.

Maybe your sacrifice is in the form of abstinence for grave reasons.  Maybe it's in the form of life-long celibacy due to your station in life or disordered attractions.  Maybe your cross is the fact that you want kids and can't have them, or that it's difficult to raise the children you have.  There is always a cross.  And, embracing that cross when it comes to our sexuality is called chastity.  It's a virtue, and we are all called to practice it, in one way or another.  NFP has really helped me to put the gift of sexuality in perspective and realize that, it is possible (difficult, but possible) to live out the life God is calling us to.  And, no matter which life that is, the grass isn't greener on the other side.  We all have a form of sacrifice.  God gives us the grace for that situation, not for our neighbor's situation. We should pray for one another that we would receive that grace and walk in it with greater understanding and love.

7) Discipline.
I've always been bad at Lent.  Coming from a non-liturgical, Protestant background, we never celebrated Lent.  I also had a healthy dose of self-loathing, and confused that with fasting or penances.  I'm just coming out of all that fog and really trying to lead an integrated Catholic life. When Lent rolled around this year, I was sort of beating myself up for once again failing at Lent and not knowing how to fast, when a little voice reminded me, "Yes, I do know how to fast.  We've been practicing NFP for several months now."  While I don't deserve a badge of honor for this, it was a nice reminder that practicing NFP has been a good form of discipline, and it can carry over into other areas of my life.  It is just part of developing virtues.  And, related to there always being a cross, NFP helps me sacrifice a little bit on a regular basis, growing in love, humility, and chastity.

8) Open to Life.
Ever since learning about Theology of the Body and practicing NFP, it has been my personal experience that I am much more open to life in general.  Although we are avoiding pregnancy right now, I no longer take my fertility for granted.  I hope that one day, we can have children when we discern that it's time.  I see my sexuality and fertility as a gift, perhaps for the first time.  And, even though we don't have kids, I find myself much more open to children and excited about that prospect than I ever have been.  Maybe it's the biological clock ticking, but I really think there is more to it.  Some have pointed out that NFP-practicing families might be big, not because the method doesn't work, but because they understand the gift that children are, and NFP makes them more open to life than contracepting families.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bottom line, I thank God for the wisdom and consistency of the teachings of the Catholic Church, especially when it comes to the areas of family life, sexuality, the human person, and morality.  Yes, these are difficult teachings.  NFP is often hard.
But, it is so so worth it.  

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Bonus: I'm linking up with Call Her Happy regarding all things NFP!

Married Life Is Awesome...a Questionnaire

when did you meet?
2005

how did you meet?
We were both students at music school.  I was a graduate student, and he was an undergraduate.  We had the same teacher, and we were just acquaintances the first year or so.  

first impression?
My first impression of him is that he was an arsty, absent-minded professor type that was really smart. He says his first impression of me is that I was "deep" and "funny."

first date?
This is really hard to determine since we were friends who eased into dating.  But I remember our first outing after our first kiss.  He asked me to our favorite coffee shop because we needed to talk.  I was as nervous as heck because we had kissed the night before.  I didn't know if it was just a fluke, or if it meant more. Right after we kissed, I asked, "What does this mean??"  But, he said, "Let's not ruin the moment."  So, the next day at the coffee shop, he said he'd like to start dating me.  I agreed.  And, I guess that was our first "date." 

what's our song and why?
Our song used to be Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here," because we spent so much time in a long-distance relationship or temporary spells of long-distance.  That song makes me sad now, and reminds me of hard times, missing my love.  I do like the line, "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year," because I sometimes feel like we are two lost souls who found each other.  But, we have yet to find a new "song" that conveys our deep love and how good things are now.  We could say that it was the song for our first dance at the wedding, "Set Me As a Seal on Your Heart."   

first event you went together to?
This is really hard to determine, since we knew each other as acquaintances and then friends for so long before dating.  I'm guessing a classical music concert.  

when did you fall in love?
For me, it was pretty much right off the bat after we started dating.  I remember after the first 6-10 weeks of dating thinking that this was different, and that I loved him.  We would say things like "I love being with you," or "I love what we have together."  I remember I already pictured our future together.  

who said it first?
He said "I love you" first, 9 months after we had been dating.  And, he left it on a voicemail.  He was out of town, talking to an old friend.  He told his friend that he loved me, but that he hadn't said it to me. The friend convinced him that he needed to let me know, and as soon as possible.  That friend ended up being his best man.  It was really cute and surprising to get that voicemail.  I was at work, and I remember listening to it the first time, then over and over and over again.  I really, really wanted to say it for quite some time, but I didn't want to say it first.  After that, we said it (and continue to say it) constantly.  

when did you move in together?
We didn't move in together until after we got married, in 2014.  

what ​were the first few months like?
The first few months were great, but an adjustment.  We were figuring out how to split chores and personal habits.  But, it was still awesome.  It is still new (less than a year married here.)  But, in some ways, it feels like hanging out with your best friend or going on a date every night with your love.  

who​'​s the cleaner one of you two?
me

​​when did you get engaged?  how did it happen?
Well, funny story...my love proposed to me in 2011.  I didn't say "no," but I didn't exactly say "yes," either.  I couldn't accept the ring in good faith.  We stayed up all night talking after the proposal (down on one knee, a ring, roses, a beautiful card, the works...)  We didn't even live in the same state.  We hadn't talked about marriage.  We had tap-danced around the issue during 4 years of dating.  I hadn't even told my parents I was Catholic, and I knew that would be a huge issue.  I was obligated to stay in my house for at least 10 more months at that time...on and on.  But, that question got the wheels spinning...my reaction to the proposal also got one of the worst phases of our relationship going.  It was really really difficult.  He felt rejected.  I was angry that he would ask me without considering all those practical things.  I felt like I had been put in the "bad guy" seat by having to make real considerations of practical matters.  I was the one who would have to move and give up my whole life - family, job, house, friends - that I loved.  He felt like he was being romantic and hopeful, and I had crushed him.  

Well, about a year after the first proposal, I ended up applying for jobs where he lived (and I now live). We had had some truly horrible fights in the meantime.  I regret them and how I acted in every way.  But, we had decided to make it work again.  There was a new presence of distance, hurt, and coldness, between us after those fights.  We had each been pursued by other romantic interests that seemed tempting, and yet, we kept coming back to each other.  We decided to give it another go.  

I ended up getting my current job and moving.  My house sold in less than 10 days.  We started really working on our relationship, and it really helped to be in the same place.  So, about 6 months after I moved here, we got engaged.  This time, there was no bended knee, no roses, no card.  Just a discussion where he said, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."  We had both healed enough from the wounds we caused each other since the first proposal.  We both saw that it was so much better in the same city, so much easier to work on our relationship.  I was ready to assert my independence from my parents by announcing my Catholicism.  And, so, we got engaged.  This time, I picked out my own ring.  

Well...fast forward to an engagement slightly longer than a year.  
We got married on the exact same date as the initial proposal...3 years later to the date.  

how long have you been married?
just over 9 months 

describe married life
awesome, exciting, a really good chance to grow in selflessness and humility, if you let it

what is the best part about being married?
Everything is better as a team.  While I estimated that marriage would increase responsibilities, bills, dishes, etc. (and that's true), it also increases the problem-solvers.  I'm not alone when it comes to paying bills, taking out the trash, or solving problems.  It's like being with your best friend and having a date every night.  It's awesome.  

what is your favorite memory together?
Sitting together on a moon-lit beach, the first summer we dated back in 2007.  We went out to the beach after a bonfire and just sat in silence together until about 3 am.  It brings me peace to think about that night, and also a smile to think that we were together and happy.  I remember when I was having a particularly hard time once, he said to me, "Remember the moon-lit beach."  It's a beautiful memory we both share, and I treasure it.    

would you change anything?
I sometimes look back and wish I had said, "yes" at the first proposal.  But, I wasn't ready.  I wonder if I had said, "yes," at that time, and we had had those same, awful fights, if our engagement would have lasted.  I think when we finally did get engaged and then married, we had worked through lots of issues together.  I had also worked through lots of my own issues that I was bringing to the table - my parents, my childhood, my own wounds, insecurities, sin.  I had finally learned and begun to practice my Catholicism more deeply, including Theology of the Body, and being open to NFP.  I'm definitely not perfect.  I just think I was in a much, much better place to be engaged and married when we actually did it than when the first proposal took place. Not to mention the practical matters of living in the same city and starting a new life over here had fallen into place.  I wish the hurt hadn't happened.  But, in the end, the timing all worked out, and we got to be together.  I'm so grateful for every day we have together.  I never want to take it for granted.  Often, when we are falling asleep, I say to him, "Every day married to you is the best day of my life," and I mean it.      

My Thoughts on the Gay Marriage Ruling

1)  ALL PEOPLE are beloved of God.  You don't have to earn that.  You don't have to qualify that statement.  God loves all of my gay brothers and sisters.  Let's all agree to retire the phrase, "Hate the sin and love the sinner," shall we?  Let's agree that God loves all, and stop at that.

2)  The Catholic Church teaching on homosexuality is actually compassionate, not hateful or bigoted. It is very important to clarify and to understand what the Church teaches about this.  Unlike many of our Protestant brothers and sisters who are also "against" gay marriage, the Catholic approach to this issue doesn't believe you can "pray the gay away" or that simply by having same sex attraction, you sin.  The Catholic Church distinguishes between the person, the attraction, and the actions.  The person is always, without question beloved of God (see #1).  The attraction is understood to be a deeply psychological issue, largely unexplained. (The removal of homosexuality from the DSM was not based in science, but in politics. "What’s noteworthy about this is that the removal of homosexuality from the list of mental illnesses was not triggered by some scientific breakthrough. There was no new fact or set of facts that stimulated this major change."  See this article for one explanation.)  While you may not be able to control your attraction, that does not necessarily mean you were born with it.  Nor does it mean that you can be accountable for having the attraction, by itself.

It's action that brings in culpability.  And why does the Catholic Church condone the act?  Because of natural law.  If you study the human body, it allows you to see how the design contributes to purpose.  Our "reproductive organs" are called that for a reason...that's their purpose!  And, it is "disordered" to use them for another purpose.  That is why, difficult though it may be, the Catholic Church teaches that all sex outside of faithful, married, open-to-life-sex is wrong.  What about infertile couples?  What about people who don't want kids?  What about those who are too old to conceive?  What does the Church say to them?  Well, the same thing, essentially.  We can use our bodies in the way God created us.  A male and female body are naturally ordered toward one another and procreation. If procreation is not possible, due to age or defect, that is qualitatively different from a couple of the same sex.  If procreation is not wise, due to finances, health issues, or other serious reasons, then you refrain from the act.  You don't participate in the act, and then thwart it.  It's like being on a diet - you refrain from certain foods.  You don't eat whatever you want and take a pill to remove its effects or throw it up to prevent the effects.  We would call that an eating disorder.  In the Western world, we now call that "contraception" when we do the same behaviors with sex.  We are not declaring that gay people "have a disorder."  But the Church, based on natural law, upholds that our sexual facilities and the acts they are capable of have a purpose and an order.  It's the difference between an apple tree that cannot produce apples or has a disease, and an orange tree, which you expect to create apples.  One is ordered toward creating apples.  The other is not, and never will be ordered toward creating apples.

Here is a fascinating article in the New York Times about the role that procreation has had in marriage law.     

3)  To the extent that this legal ruling will allow long-standing couples visitation rights at the hospital, insurance benefits, or the rights to raise their children or care for children, this is a WIN.  It is not right to separate life-long partners at the end of life or in critical care situations.  Often this person is their next of kin and ONLY kin, as families have sometimes abandoned their gay relatives. It is not right that spouses cannot receive benefits, such as insurance or retirement, when they have spent their whole lives together, and that is the wish of the other spouse.  It is always good to give better care and provisions to children who need a loving home.  Do I think children should be purposely deprived of a mother and father?  No.  But, I think caring adults who want to adopt or provide for children are better for that child than putting them in a foster care system or worse.  I do think that all of the above could have been accomplished with civil unions, rather than marriage, but the fact that these issues are resolved is only fair, in my opinion.

4)  Where all of this gets sticky is the separation of Church and state.  Will the Catholic Church be allowed to continue teaching and practicing sacramental marriages?  We have seen legal precedent that forces business to do things that do not comply with their religious beliefs.  As ministers of the church AND the state, when a marriage is performed, will the state eventually force ministers to perform weddings with which they do not agree?  I think this is a valid, not paranoid question.  One easy resolution is to do what many European countries do and require a civil ceremony with the court/justice of the peace and a separate religious ceremony, if so desired.  To me, this is the clearest way.  The future is uncertain as to the federal funding, tax-exempt status and other governmental benefits afforded to churches.  Gay marriage is federal law now, and it's possible that not performing a gay wedding will be punishable by law, that teaching gay marriage is not morally accepted will be deemed discriminatory hate speech.

By the looks of the way this played out on social media, this seems extremely possible, if not imminent.  I wish I could say that all were treated with respect and tolerance after this decision came out, but it was truly concerning and disappointing to see the way the debate played out within my social media network.  Lots of people took giddy delight in announcing that they would be "cleaning up" their list of friends, based on the "haters" and "bigots."  There is no room for public discourse.  I can see that if you viewed a traditional-marriage stance as equivalent to white supremacy, then you wouldn't want to dignify that with a "discussion."  Obviously, the two arguments are not parallel.  But, we have reached a time in public debate which reveals a complete LACK of rational, logical discussion.

5)  Sola Scriptura does not work.  My point on #2 about why the Catholic Church teaches what it does about sexuality is not based on Bible verses, text-proofing, "Jesus said ___ about gay marriage," "to lay with another man is an abomination," etc.  That is flawed, faulty logic.

(Side note, the Bible does not declare itself to be the pillar and foundation of truth, it declares the Church to be the ultimate authority.  Also, it's not a self-asserted document that compiled itself into canonization, it took humans and spiritual authorities.)

For all the well-meaning Protestants that are holding fast to their biblical interpretation on either side of this argument, it will fail.  First of all, those who do not believe the Bible will immediately ignore you when you quote the Bible at them, especially if it is used against them.  Secondly, lots of atheists and Christians who disagree with you can and will quote the Bible right back at you to prove their point.  They'll use the book of Leviticus to say, "you probably wear clothing with blended materials or eat shellfish - are you an abomination too??" or they'll say, "Judge not, lest you be judged," or they'll tell you why the Bible condemns same-sex relationships.

The Bible was not meant to be used as a means of defending our beliefs, taking verses out of context and saying, "See??!!  It's in the Bible, it must be true."  You can twist it any which way.  Just like in real estate - location, location, location - the Bible needs to be taken in context.  The Bible is not "a book," it is a library of books, written over time by multiple authors, in multiple locations, with multiple purposes.  To say something is "in the Bible" therefore it is true, is like saying a book regarding slavery is "in the library," therefore slavery is condoned (or condemned) by that library. Context, context, context.  

Case in point, Rachel Held Evans, God love her, even revealed her Sola Scriptura bias in a Twitter fight earlier this week.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  She has grappled publicly with her Evangelical upbringing, but found her way to liturgical worship in the Episcopalian church.  While she has a much less literal view of the Bible than many evangelicals, nevertheless, she's still a Protestant, and reveals as much when arguing that the Bible is silent on condemning gay marriage, therefore, a committed relationship between two people of the same sex is okay.

I've heard Rachel speak in person and read several of her books.  I relate to her rejection of evangelicalism.  I don't relate to her nostalgia for it, since it was mostly a negative, abusive experience for me.  And, we ended up in different places after rejecting it.  Here I am in the Catholic Church, thinking...she's just still so...Protestant.  I guess I'm surprised that people like Rachel Held Evans are even looking to the Bible for literal, prescriptive verses to support such viewpoints to combat those who look for literal, prescriptive verses to support their viewpoints.  It fails.  It comes down to interpretation of the scriptures, not the scriptures themselves.

Using the Bible on either side of the gay marriage argument has made me so glad to be Catholic.  We get to use natural law, reason, philosophy, the Bible in context, and a myriad of other reasons for our beliefs.  We have an entire philosophy of the human person.  We are consistent.

6)  It is time for the Catholic Church to support communities of families - host adult events with FREE child care, form groups within the church of young married couples, couples with children, couples practicing NFP, single people.  Create mentorship relationships between older "been there, done that" couples with younger "what are we doing?" couples.  Help single parents by changing their oil, offering babysitting.  Help new parents by bringing a meal or cleaning the house.  Maybe it's just my parish, which I love...but Protestants have us Catholics way beat on this fellowship thing.  If I were to attend a Protestant church, I could immediately get "plugged in" with people in my age group or stage of life.  They are great at community and small groups.  Maybe I wouldn't have deep friendships immediately, but I could have 10 new friends, with phone numbers, that I could call for coffee or an emergency.  And these would be people I trusted, at least at a basic level. If it weren't for the truth of the Catholic Church, there are days that I think I'd leave it to find the fellowship that's so available in Protestant circles.

7)  We are making marriage too difficult and divorce too easy.  Yes, couples should go through marriage preparation.  We are clearly not catechized or prepared for marriage well enough to have the divorce and annulment rates that we do.  We don't have tons of great examples. And, by the time we want to walk down the aisle, a couple is usually just jumping through the hoops to have a Church wedding.

I have to say our marriage preparation was mostly a waste of time.  Our church didn't offer anything on NFP, which I wanted to learn about.  Instead, we took a personality test and discussed compatibility with a non-counselor.  There were no skills learned.  Aside from about an hour in which our priest talked about marriage and sacrifice, the rest of the marriage preparation weekend was pretty mundane, nothing I would refer back to in times of crisis.

In our case, since my parents don't have tons of money, and since they expressly did not give their Protestant blessing to our Catholic wedding, we were on our own paying for it.  Everything is more expensive when it's "for a wedding."  And, gone are the days in which you can have a cake and punch reception in the church fellowship hall.  These are the days of Pinterest and Instagram.  There is a lot of pressure to feed people, give them something to drink, and make their cross-country trip to your wedding worth their while.  Even with the smallest of budgets and lowest of expectations, it is hard to have a simple wedding these days.  That shouldn't be the case.

The church needs to do everything they can to help people get married (not rush them into a marriage, but help them have a wedding).  As a community, as a culture, we need to bring back the days of all the momma's pitching in, baking a cake, or sewing a dress.  Maybe it's because we live in a big city and had no support from my (the bride's) parents, but even with my secondhand dress, not buying clothing for the bridesmaids, DIY programs and invitations, etc., our wedding was expensive. I had sticker shock.  We should not let cost be an impediment to Catholic couples who want to get married.  We need to do better supporting that process as a community - donating goods and services, giving people options, etc.

8) Similar to #7, we need to make child-rearing a community effort again, and the Church should be front and center with that.  One of the reasons we practice NFP to avoid pregnancy right now is financial.  The cost of having a child even with insurance is extremely high.  We also have a very high maternal death rate.  We also have some of the worst policies in the western world when it comes to missing work.  Let's say, you can afford to have the baby.  What about caring for the child?  Well, we are failing there, too.

I would love to have as many children as possible, quit my job or work from home, homeschool, and spend all my time with my family.  However, that's just not possible for multiple reasons, finances being one of them.  We used to raise children in community, but now, each home needs its own set of equipment.  Stay at home parents are often isolated and overwhelmed.  Many don't live close to family for help with childcare.  Institutionalized child care (or day care) is extremely expensive.

Why am I harping on this?  What does it have to do with gay marriage?  Well, I am pro-family, pro-marriage.  But, when it comes to having the ability to live this out myself, it's not possible right now. The Church needs to be creative here and see how we can truly change the culture.  Not just by teaching people more about Theology of the Body, but helping them out when a marriage or a baby comes along.  That's all I'm saying.  We will only succeed in changing the culture on a grassroots level.  It is hard enough to be counter-cultural, but it's even harder when your Church talks a big theological game with no practical community in place to back it up.

9)  My final, closing thought on gay marriage is that God loves my gay brothers and sisters.  I am slightly worried about the direction our country is going.  And for that reason, I encourage all of us to pray for others, our country, marriages, and our gay friends.  We will never convince someone of their sin, the Holy Spirit does that.  We must build loving relationships to have any effect on others whatsoever.  In the meantime, we need to be building a strong culture of healthy marriages and happy families in the Catholic Church.  We need each other.

And, if we create a civilization of love, that truth will be attractive.