7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXXV)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.

~1~

Coming Home.

As I mentioned yesterday with fear, trepidation, nervousness, and excitement, my conversion story is now up on the Coming Home Network website.  Check it out here, if you'd like!

~2~

Going Home. 

I just got back from a trip home to see my family.  I have a sibling who is in the states for a limited time, home from an overseas deployment.  It was good to see everyone.  We also caught up with some friends while we were in town, and there was no family drama to speak of.  All in all, a good trip home.  

~3~

Hoarding.

So, my home office/study is to a crazy level of insanely unorganized.  You'd think I was a hoarder. I'm not exaggerating.  The funny thing is that I'm generally clean and organized, but I just can't seem to stay on top of (or even get on top of) the incoming mail and paperwork I need to deal with.  I joke with my husband that we should just burn the house down and start over...not that funny.  Last weekend I spent some time unsubscribing to things and getting on the "opt out" lists for credit card offers, insurance offers, etc.  I'm hoping that helps.

~4~

Currently Reading.

The Sleep Revolution by Ariana Huffington

A Little Bit Wicked by Kristin Chenowith

What I've learned: get more sleep!  Also, there's no business like show business.

~5~

TSA

Our trip home this week was marked with unusually long wait times with the TSA.  I had heard about this, but I thought we would be exempt from it, traveling on off/non-peak hours, not travelling from/to places like NYC or Chicago.  I was wrong.  Let the traveler beware.  We waited longer in line than our first flight lasted, and if it hadn't been a delayed flight, we would have missed it.  People were running to gates, cutting in line, and generally becoming irate and restless.  It was awful.  Bonus, we ran into Sister Miriam James while in the long line.  I act like such an idiot around some people, so I said something stupid about following her on Twitter, rather than something meaningful like, "Thank you for your book/your ministry/your witness."  I will say, having a nun and a priest nearby made me have better behavior than I might have otherwise.

(This book.  It's wonderful, check it out.)  

~6~

RTS

Elizabeth Esther has a similar background to mine, and has introduced me to the concept of Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS).  It can be seen as a form of PTSD, related to faith or religious experiences, often occurring in people who leave cults or abusive religious environments.  I'm pretty sure I have this.  For instance, I have had panic attacks before listening to Catholic radio when the caller was an anti-Catholic and the apologetics show turned into a screaming match.  Also, anytime a rain or thunderstorm wakes me up, my first thought is that it's the "rapture," or the end of the world, and I've been left behind.  I know this isn't true, but that's my first thought upon waking.  I then have to calm down to go back to sleep, which doesn't always happen.  Anyway, RTS explains the inner-workings of people like me.  We feel misunderstood a lot.  We are invalidated a lot by people who mean well.  What I like about Elizabeth Esther's take is that 1) we have a similar upbringing, 2) we both became Catholic, 3) she's able to be a person who still has faith, while also maintaining a healthy balance of recovering from this stuff.  The woman who coined the term RTS, for instance, was raised Christian and is now atheist.  While I respect everyone's journey, I appreciate the insights EE has as a person who is overcoming the abusive aspects while also retaining belief that is balanced and healthy.  If you haven't already, check out her book too.)

~7~

TGIF

That's all I got, folks.  Keep the faith.  Have a lovely weekend.  

Coming Home

My conversion story is now live on the Coming Home Network's website here.  It's called "Forgiveness on the Path to Faith" and uses my pseudonym, Ari Mack.  The CHN version includes a little more detail than my story as published on this blog, along with some editing for content, clarity, and length.  It's kind of like my whole life story, as it pertains to religion and faith.  

     [You can the version on this blog here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV if interested]

I'm excited and nervous.  I love stories, particularly conversion stories.  I think that hearing someone's story and experience often is more meaningful than hearing a doctrine or theological argument (as important as those can be).  We can learn from others, and I am 100% not perfect.  I pressed on in submitting this to the Coming Home Network because they have a much larger platform than I do, and if my story can help one person, then praise be.  I wrote it, submitted it, and now I have to let go and work on living a life of virtue and love.  My faith is very much a work in progress, and I love the idea of "practicing Catholic" - I am practicing, but have not yet arrived.

I love the phrase "coming home," don't you?  The idea that the Church is our true home, that it ushers us to heaven, our eternal home, that we can rest and be at peace within her walls, that we can travel this journey with others in the family, that we share a meal at the banquet table with our brothers and sisters in Christ.

I can think of no better image or story of this reality than that of the Prodigal Son.  If only we knew how much God loved us, we would come home, running into God's open arms.

To those who have become Catholic, welcome home.  To those searching or questioning, to those who have left for whatever reason, come home.  We aren't perfect.  We don't have all the answers.

But Christ is in our midst.

    

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXXIII)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.  

~1~

I'm baaack.

So, I kind of took a blogging hiatus for about the last 4 months...not that anyone even reads/notices/cares, but I'm back-ish.  I'm not sure if this space will stay what it has been, but I re-activated ye-old blog for now. 

I really have felt the need to retreat and get my priorities straight the last few months.  I'm not sure I'm "there" yet, but I enjoyed the break.  By the same token,  I have a strong need to write.  I want to start a blog or write a book or something.  And yet, I really feel like I need to retain some privacy. (Ari is a nickname.)  At the same time, I have considered purchasing a domain and just starting a new blog there.  Lots to keep in mind.  I want it to have the potential to talk about anything, but most of the things I think to write about concern my Catholic faith.  

~2~

Future.

Life is really good with my husband.  I thank God for that and for him every day.  I do wonder what our future holds.  In other words, will we ever have children?  It's hard to be a female in the Catholic blog-o-sphere because it seems that everyone is a mom-blogger or has 1-10 children.  I'm certainly open to life and want children.  We practice NFP right now.  It's tax season and open enrollment for my insurance at work.  More than ever, the reality has set in that we just cannot afford children right now.  And there are other factors, like my husband's disability.  And other factors too, concerning my health.  Sometimes I wonder how the middle class ever make it in this country.  Are we even middle class?  Our mortgage went up, our insurance went up, our phone bill went up, etc....of course the salaries have not gone up and the coverage of said insurance has decreased.  It's just a crunch time for us financially...and will be for at least the next 3 years or so.  By then I will be even-more-advanced maternal age.  I don't want to give into despair.  And yet, I didn't think this would be my life story.    

Jesus, I trust in You. 

Thy will be done.  

~3~

Commute.

On a lighter note, one major shift that has occurred since the last blog post was that I am now a commuter who uses public transportation.  I have always hated driving, but the possibility of using public transportation to get to work has never been an option, even though we live in one of the largest cities in the US.  However, recently the routes and whatnot have been changed for the buses in our city.  Wouldn't you know it, but I can now get on a nice charter-type bus, and let someone else deal with traffic for me?  It's awesome.  I'm dropped off right by my office.  I can park for free where I catch the bus, or if need be, my husband can drop me off because it's not too far from home. Granted, it still takes about 1.5 - 2 hours to get to and from work, so I'm still basically gone 7a-7p most days, and that does suck....but the amount of time that I personally am driving every day has been reduced from 2-4 hours per day to about 1 hour per day.  This is a huge improvement on my mental health, wear-and-tear on my car, and physical health.  I just can't even express the joy that I have found not having to drive so much in the worst traffic on earth.  It has also made me better able to cope with my job and some of the innate frustrations of work.  I don't arrive at work after fighting traffic for 1.5-2 hours.  I don't arrive home hangry and in near tears out of stress, I arrive after sitting on an air-conditioned bus while I sip coffee, read, or listen to podcasts.  It's amazing.  I feel like this change has bought me more time at my job.  I didn't see how it was sustainable for the long-run...even though I've worked here for over 3 years now.  It has been a major, drastic, awesome life change.  I can't fathom going back to driving so much.      

~4~

Mass.

Thanks to another shift in the schedule of a nearby chapel, I'm able to attend daily mass a few days a week now during my lunch break.  I really felt like I needed something more in my spiritual life. And, while I still need even more of God in my life, these few extra days a week in which I can receive the Eucharist and go to mass are a huge, huge blessing.  

~5~

Easter. 

We had a wonderful Easter a few weeks ago.  We went to the Easter Vigil, which lasted almost 4 hours at our church.  After it was over, we saw some friends of ours from the young adult group.  They invited a bunch of us over for crepes.  It was so fun.  I felt like a crazy Catholic, having a post-Easter-vigil party in the middle of the night.  We got home around 3:30 am, and had to be up at 5:30 am to play music for Easter services the next day.  Yes, we were so tired on 2 hours of sleep, but it was worth it.  I always think back to my partying, "worldly" days or college exploits.  I would have easily partied through the night for less-than-noble reasons in my past...why can't we celebrate the Resurrection with our friends in the same, over-the-top way?  The answer is, we can!  Christ is risen.      

~6~

Conversion Story.

I found out that in the future (not sure when), my conversion story will appear on the Coming Home Network - either in the newsletter or website (or both?).  As I stated before, Ari is a nickname for me.  It was important that my story retain some amount of privacy, due to the things I shared about my family and the way my Catholicism has affected my relationship with my parents.  (Short story - it has been rough, my dad is a Protestant minister of the anti-Catholic variety.)  I have shared most of my story on this blog, too.  

     [You can read it here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV if interested]

Anyway, my husband has a family member who is marrying a non-Catholic soon.  The future spouse has pressured my husband's family member to leave the Church.  I truly think that only those who don't fully understand the faith could ever leave it.  It breaks my heart.  When I heard about that situation, I felt the urge to write my story down and submit it to the Coming Home Network.  I thought, even if it could help one person, I should tell it.  Of course, immediately after sending I felt a nauseous pang of regret, but I chalked that up to the enemy.  I'm not perfect, and I love hearing how God has worked in the lives of others.  Why not share how He has worked in mine too?  I'll keep the blog updated as to when the story is posted on the Coming Home Network.  

~7~

Prayers.

I feel a strong urge to pray for this crazy, fallen world of ours.  It seems like every single day, something more horrifying than the previous day occurs.  It's overwhelming to me.  I have family members in dangerous parts of the world, although, I'm coming to think that "dangerous" is everywhere.   

Did you know that St. Faustina was told in her visions that before Christ came as Judge, there would be a renewal of His Mercy?  I think we are in that renewal now.  The Year of Mercy.  Our world needs mercy.  A true understanding of it.  (Side note - one of the best books I have read recently is Remembering God's Mercy by Dawn Eden...check it out.)  

Anyway, will you consider praying for our country?  against ISIS?  for Catholics to come home?  for whatever God places across your path?  Even if it's an extra Hail Mary a day, or a quick "Lord, have Mercy," our world needs it.  

Year of Mercy

Our Holy Father, Pope Francis has announced that this coming year will be the Jubilee Year of Mercy.  It will last from the Immaculate Conception (December 8, 2015) until Christ the King Sunday (November 20, 2016), basically one liturgical year, lasting the majority of the calendar year 2016.

I am so grateful for this pope and this focus on mercy.  I think it takes a deep understanding of sin to understand mercy.  It also takes a deep understanding of justice to understand mercy.  Until we truly see how wounded we are and how we have hurt others, we don't see the need for mercy.  And, until we get to heaven, I don't think we will understand the extent to which God's justice is merciful and also His mercy is justified.  It is a great mystery.

As St. Benedict reminds us in the Rule (chapter 4) "Never despair of God's mercy."


For this year of mercy, I have resolved to finish reading the Diary of St. Faustina.  I have begun this book.  It's long, but it's been lovely so far.  I just am waiting for a revelation of the deep love and mercy of God.  I know that St. Faustina can lead me there.  I have heard of so many others who struggle with their image of God and struggle with sins of their past find healing in the Divine Mercy.  I know it's there for us all.

I have resolved a few years ago, after my re-conversion, to go to confession at least once a month.  I also resolved again to do that on a recent birthday.  I haven't been religious about that, but I have gone regularly.  For the year of mercy, I want to make sure to go to confession at least once a month. It is a sacrament of healing.  I know in my experience, no matter the sin I'm confessing, no matter the priest, no matter how long it has been since the last confession, I have always always found mercy and healing in the sacrament.  God meets me there in a way I cannot describe.  It is deeply healing.

Finally, I resolve to practice mercy in my everyday life.  What does that look like?  I'm not sure.  I just know I can do better.  First of all, it starts by giving others the benefit of the doubt when they offend me or wrong me.  That includes offering patience and withholding judgment.  Secondly, there are the corporal works of mercy: 1) feed the hungry, 2) give drink to the thirsty, 3) shelter the homeless, 4) clothe the naked, 5) visit the sick and imprisoned, 6) bury the dead, 7) give alms to the poor and the spiritual works of mercy:    1) admonish the sinner, 2) instruct the ignorant, 3) counsel the doubtful, 4) comfort the sorrowful, 5) forgive all injuries, 6) pray for the living and the dead, 7) bear wrongs patiently.  I know I can do better in each of these areas.  I'm not sure how to do this in an intentional practical way, but I want to make progress during this year of mercy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."  - Matthew 5:7

The Morning After

I came across this story from someone who took years to realize that the morning-after pill was something to take to the confessional.

I have my own story about the morning-after pill.  It's the reason I say that I broke all 10 commandments before age 25.

I was 19, a college sophomore, and had begun a non-romantic, yet still sexual, relationship with an older guy.  He didn't know I was a virgin, or that it was my first time.  I didn't know what I was getting into, but I was actually proud of myself for losing the V-card before I turned 20.  10 days before, to be exact.

I guess it was part of the college rebellion, shedding the strict upbringing of my parents.  Sex was never really explained or described to me, just mentioned in the same breath as "neverdoituntilyouremarried" every single time it was mentioned.  I knew that it needed to be "safe" for more than one reason, pregnancy prevention being one of them.  The female body was somewhat abhorred in our house growing up.  Not to be too TMI, but just to explain how extensive this attitude was... I never even told my mom the first time I got my period.  It was something to be ashamed of, something to never speak of, even to your mom.  I was 12.  I had to walk to the drug store, buy things with my own money, and deal with it.  Oddly enough, my first thought was that if I were to get raped, I could become pregnant.  It felt like the end of my childhood.    

When I went to college, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.  I attended church and enjoyed hearing about how God was good and that God was love.  It was a breath of fresh air from my Calvinistic childhood, and the pendulum swung to the charismatics for a while.  At the same time, I was also discovering the beauty and reverence of the liturgy in a high church Protestant setting.  All of this was in the context of a secular, private college.  I didn't want to be one of those people, so I also partied each weekend while attending church most Sundays.  In some senses, we were safer than most college-aged partiers.  We could drink on campus, and my friends and I looked out for each other.  In other senses, I was playing with fire and playing Russian roulette with my fertility, my sexuality, my life, my so-called freedom.

Everything's fun and games until the condom breaks.

I assured my not-boyfriend that I would "take care of it."  I went to Planned Barrenhood Parenthood the next day and got emergency contraception.  It consisted of two pills, taken a specific number of hours apart and within a certain window of time from the sexual act.  I remember my hands shaking as I washed down the pill with a water bottle at a gas station.  Then, I promptly put it all out of my mind and went on with life.  I felt a deep sense of shame walking into Planned Parenthood.  I was a scholarship recipient.  I knew better.  I got good grades and worked my way through college.  But, nonetheless, I felt I had no other choice.  I never told anyone, just the not-boyfriend that it had been "taken care of."

A few years later, when a similar situation happened with a different guy, it was that much easier to get emergency contraception again.  This time, the shaking and shame weren't really there.  I also began to go to Planned Parenthood to get discounted birth control.  I remember wearing the scuzziest clothes I had, including a hoodie.  I didn't want to be spotted walking in and out of there. Yet, I still felt I had no other choice.

At the time, I had bought all the propaganda, hook-line-and-sinker.  I told several friends that no one was really pro-abortion, just pro-choice - where else would desperate women go?  I also extolled Planned Parenthood for offering pre-natal care and birth control.  I convinced one friend to be "pro-choice" based on these arguments.  I convinced another to stop using condoms and take the pill.  I didn't discuss with either of them that I had used emergency contraception, just that women needed to have these options.

I have taken the birth control pill a few times off and on.  Once for a year after college.  At other times, it was prescribed by my doctor to prevent acne.  By the end of my twenties, I had learned that it was a carcinogenic.  It was that fact, not the abortifacient properties, that really made me want to stop taking it.

Finally, by the grace of God, I not only became Catholic, but I stopped the sexual sins a few years later and had sort of a re-conversion.  Unlike the lady in the article linked above, I immediately thought of the times I took emergency contraception and confessed them, along with the birth control usage, along with the sexual activity driving the use of those drugs.  I knew it was wrong when I did it. With confession, I was finally free.

I'm not sure if those pills ever prevented a fertilized egg from implanting.  I guess I will find out in heaven.  I do know that I deeply regret it.  The intention to take a life (if it existed or not) was why I took those pills.  That, my friend, is a mortal sin.  I deeply regret the rebellion of my youth.  For as difficult and uncomfortable as my parents were with "the talk," they were right about trying to tell me not to have sex until marriage.

I've tried the world's ways.  I lived the Sex and the City lifestyle for the majority of my twenties.  I also tried the Protestant ways.  While the conclusions of Protestants are often similar to Catholics on moral teaching, the view of the human person is vastly different.  I found more in common with secular humanists and with reformed Calvinists than one would think at first glance.  You see, in both cases, the body is unimportant.  To the secular humanist, the body is meaningless, you assign the meaning.  And usually, pleasure wins out.  To the Calvinist, the body is the source of sin and shame, the home of your totally depraved self.  They forget that if we are truly people of the resurrection, we must not forget the body.  It was not until I discovered the Catholic teaching, especially Theology of the Body, and initially as explained by Christopher West, that I realized my body was good.  So good, in fact, that it deserved even more dignity, respect, and honor.  Our sexuality was a gift, not a taboo, or a no-no.  Not something to be taken for granted or toyed with.  Something to honor.  I was not a soul living in a body, I was an embodied soul.

Even now, 9 years after becoming Catholic, and a few years into my deeper re-conversion, I am still learning so much more about this topic.  I am married and practice NFP now.  I also still ponder the mystery of the body and of our sexuality.  With the attacks in our culture on the body, on marriage, on sexuality through every imaginable vice, I really think these teachings are key to understanding the human person and therefore, to understanding God.

I still don't know the role I'm supposed to play in this, but I know that I am called to pray.  There is a better way.  You don't have to repress your sexuality.  It is a gift.  However, you don't have to indulge in it to the point of addiction and hedonism.  It has to be understood in context.  There's a better way.

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XVII)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.

~1~

Weekend. 

This is going to be a really busy weekend, and I'm already gearing up for it.  Tomorrow starts with my "graduation" ceremony from catechist training, which is exciting.  Followed by several music obligations for my husband, followed by a dinner party we were invited to.  I'm excited about the dinner party.  It's with church friends, and I have been hoping to get closer to some church people. We would even like to host the same group in the future, so maybe we could discuss it Saturday and make it a regular thing.  We also have a friend in town, who we will see on Sunday.  Along with mass, laundry, and weekending.  Thankfully next week is a 2.5 day work week for me.  

~2~

Friends. 

I have been feeling really nostalgic lately about friends from the past.  I realize that college will never come again, and yet, I consider my long-term closest friends to be from college.  We will never be all in the same place at the same time, with less responsibilities, less at stake than our current mortgages, marriages, and children.  I feel some regret and remorse for my choices in college.  At the same time, I miss those friends, and we now only all get together when someone gets married, or one-on-one when time and travel allow.  So, whenever someone comes to mind out of the blue, I make sure to pray for them.  I figure there is a reason they are on my mind.  I also make sure to text them or reach out in some way.  I did that yesterday, and a friend of mine thanked me for a conversation we had 5-6 years ago.  He's gay and was dealing with family rejection at the time.  He was struggling with "can I be gay and still be a Christian?"  I honestly don't remember what I said to him at the time.  I do know that I thought (at the time) that nothing was immoral about being gay.  I thought that if you couldn't help who you were attracted to, then you shouldn't be asked to be alone your whole life.  If it's not a choice, how could it be right or wrong?  I related it to me being rejected by my family for my Catholicism.

My views have changed since then, in that I see that some are called to chastity and celibacy.  It's difficult, but not impossible.  It is a heavy cross to bear.  And, the natural law reveals the meaning and purpose of our bodies and sex.... however, what would I have said if the same conversation happened now?  I don't know.  Of course you can be gay and still be a Christian, I definitely still believe that.  I think I would try to be as supportive as possible to the person.  Maybe speaking on a philosophical level, I could talk about the natural law behind relationships, etc.  But, on a personal level, I would try to love, validate, and support.  It really brought me to tears when he told me how much he appreciated our conversation those many years ago.  I feel so conflicted about my gay brothers and sisters, and my Catholic faith.  Which brings me to...

~3~

SCOTUS ruling.

The Supreme Court ruled today that same-sex marriage is lawful in all 50 states now.  I believe that gay couples should absolutely have the right to benefits, insurance, hospital visits, etc.  But, is that relationship a marriage?  I don't think it's the same.  And, not because I don't believe in equal rights for all, but because I believe that the anthropology of marriage and the natural law tell us that the committed relationship of a man to a woman, resulting in children, is unique among all relationships and beneficial to children.  It's not about consenting adults, it's about what's best for society and children.  I foresee that this ruling may cause people, institutions, businesses, etc. who believe in "traditional marriage" to be jeopardized because it will be considered discrimination against federal rights.  Religious rights, the separation of church and state, and many other things will have to be considered.

I don't want to be a paranoid person.  I know and love so many gay people.  I just feel so torn.  This year, I have started reading Joseph Sciambra, who spent years in the gay lifestyle, even getting into starring in porn.  He has since had a reversion to Catholicism, and he advocates that we should not be "compassionate" when someone comes out, but rather encourage them to be celibate, let them know there is another way of life, and warn them of the dangers of that lifestyle (particularly for gay men). I don't know that I would have the courage to do that, and after talking to my gay friend yesterday about our past conversation, I'm glad it meant so much to him, but I still don't know if I did the right thing.  I don't want to lead others astray, and yet, I have so many of my own issues that I shudder to think that someone would come to me for "advice," especially when it regards faith and morals.

One thing my priest told a gay man on his deathbed from AIDS, who had been raised Catholic: You thank God for all that you have been given.  To the extent that your relationship has been from God and pleased Him, be grateful.  To the extent it did not, or offended God or was wrong, repent.  In all things, throw yourself on the mercy of God.  That's the only hope any of us have.

God have mercy on us all.

~4~

Virtue.

Speaking of me being a truly horrific example of faith and morals...I really hit a low point yesterday. I was going on too little sleep for too many days in a row.  I am not a morning person.  The 1.5-2 hour commute each morning is inevitably stressful.  Then, I work in an office of cubicles.  There's no silence or privacy, which goes against my INTJ nature (emphasis on I) and extremely sensitive hearing.

So, yesterday, one of my loudest co-workers, who literally narrates her day (she has a phone conversation, then tells you all about the conversation, she does a task, then tells you all about the task she just did, etc.)...well, she was laughing and giggling like a hyena for at least 2-3 hours (from 8 AM to 10/11 AM).  She was telling some sort of story, then she was watching something online that was funny, on and on.  God bless her, she grates on my every last nerve, even on a normal day.  I know that this is my issue, but yesterday's noise from her in particular seriously made me rage-y.  No other word for it.  Forget road rage, this was cubicle rage.

I found myself mouthing some obscenities in my cubicle, despite listening to some music and white noise to cover up her 2-3 hours of extra noise-making.  Then, I found myself going to get a third cup of coffee...while flipping her off.  Yes, this is true.  Now, I did it in a way that only I could see.  It gave me some sort of sick satisfaction to express my frustration.

But, then I sort of scared myself.  What is going to be the tipping point that makes me actually flip her off or actually yell out obscenities in the office?  Is this how these things happen?  I could feel how out of control I was.  I could feel how irrational this anger and reaction was.

I think I need to go to confession.  I also need to sleep more and take responsibility for myself.  I need to be in as healthy a place as possible, mentally speaking.  And I need to do whatever it takes to stay in that bubble of happiness.  

Do you think God intentionally put my cubicle next to the two most annoying and loud people in my office on purpose?  Am I supposed to learn patience from this?

Lord, have mercy.  And St. Therese, please pray for me!

~5~

Mary.

I often say that the longest journey in my life, and the most difficult and ongoing struggle has been moving from my head to my heart.  Life is all about the heart.  We are meant to live from the heart.  What matters most is not how much we know, but how we treat people - not how much theology we have learned, but what it does to our lives.  As my priest says, when we read a Bible story or learn something new, ask yourself, "So what?" and "Now what?"

Well, I love learning.  I'm very logical and rational by nature (ignore what you learned about me in #4).  I went to college, then graduate school for the majority of my 20s.  I read non-fiction theology books constantly.  And yet, what difference does it make in my life?

Our Wednesday night young adult group at church discussed Mary and the saints this week.  We went round and round about the dogmas concerning Mary.  One very vocal person openly admitted that she struggled with them.  She wasn't having it when I tried to say Mary is the New Eve, or Mary is the Ark of the New Covenant.  Those teachings really help me understand the perpetual virginity and immaculate conception.

It saddens me when Catholics don't accept Catholic teaching.  It makes me think they are more vulnerable to attack from Protestants or others.  And I really feel that Mary is a gift, not just a superfluous doctrine.  Why else would Jesus have bothered from the cross,  as one of the very last things he said, "Behold your Mother," and "Behold your son"?

But, after all our discussion, I came away thinking, "So what?" and "Now what?"  I believe all this stuff about Mary, the Saints, Jesus, etc.  But, what difference does it make in my life?  How has my heart changed since becoming Catholic?  Is it all theology and no heart?

Upon reflection, I really think I am going to start doing lectio divina.  It's a process of contemplating scripture, reflecting upon even just one word.  I want to approach it in a more Ignatian way, placing myself in the stories, seeing things in a different light.  Perhaps then, it will make more of a difference to me.  Not just to my head, but to my heart.

My brain is full, and my heart seems empty sometimes.  I really want that to change.

~6~

July. 

Is anyone else as shocked as I am that July is next week?!  Where has this year gone?  It's almost halfway over!  Time is flying, and it seems that the older I get, the faster it flies.

~7 ~

Mormons, and Catholics, and Protestants...oh my!

I have an ex-Mormon friend who has left the Mormon church due to their stance on gay marriage and women's ordination.  (In case you live under a rock, the Mormon church is against both.)  She was raised Mormon, convinced her husband to become Mormon, is a 7th or 8th generation Mormon, and her young children attend a Catholic school as of this year.  Lately, she has taken to all forms of social media to drive home the point that Mormons and Catholics in particular do not support the equality of women.  She sees them as similar, facing similar issues, and in need of reform.  They are the only two Christian groups she ever mentions.  

I have to say, this stings quite a lot.  I feel like she is an outsider to Catholicism and doesn't understand what she is saying, even though her kids attend Catholic school.  As someone who grew up in Evangelical / fundamentalist / Calvinistic / Reformed circles, I find that camp to be much much more degrading to women than I have ever found the Catholic Church to be.  In fact, there is no comparison.  What often happens, in my observation is that Catholics and Evangelicals, and sometimes Mormons, will land in the same place on a given issue, such as gay marriage or women's ordination or abortion.  But it is usually for very different reasons.  While the conclusion might be the same, the reasoning behind the conclusion is very, very different.

I have a theory that the extremely liberal secular world and the extremely fundamentalist world have a strange thing in common - the disregard for the body.  The fundamentlists do this because the "spirit" is so much more important and elevated.  Everything is a "spiritual" problem to be handled with Bible verses and more submission or devotion.  The body and its needs are ignored, practically seen as evil, and an enemy to our "true" selves.  Secular liberalism is not much different.  The body is good and celebrated, in so much as it involves pleasure and hedonism, whether it be of a sexual or gluttonous nature.  The body and gender differences are mere ornamentations, societal constructs.   The body is good, but it's subject to our minds - if we think we are one gender, we are.  If we want to change or mutilate it, we can.  If we want to exchange any sort of activity with any other adult, it's meaningless and allowed.  It was easy for me to jump from my anti-abortion, Bible-thumping Christian upbringing, right into the Sex and the City, pro-abortion, gay-accepting college years and beyond.  My view of myself and the body virtually did not change.  If you reject the Bible, and Protestants are Sola Scriptura, then you summarily reject those beliefs that were only explained by the Bible.  If you don't see sex as sacred, but just forbidden due to stupid rules, then it's not that big of a leap.

All that to say, that it really grates against me when I hear my friend compare Mormons to Catholics. We have an entire philosophy, outlook on life, cohesive theory of morality and theology that Protestants and Mormons do not have.  We have the natural law, standing alongside Biblical tradition and interpretation.  We have faith and reason.

I had to come full circle, from rejecting all I was taught growing up, to rejecting the alternative I embraced.  I have come to accept abortion and gay marriage as "wrong," which lines up with my parents' beliefs, and yet, now I am at that place for completely different reasons.  I don't like to be lumped in with the Sola Scriptura crowd, or the anti-historical Mormon Church, which does not embrace faith and reason, and which has virtually no historical leg to stand on.  (Sorry, to my Mormon friends, that's how I see it.  It doesn't mean that I don't think you are a Christian if that's how you see yourself, just that the historical claims of Mormonism are untrue.)

I feel we are entering an era in which our faith is being challenged in new ways.  We must understand our beliefs deeply.  We must live humbly and mercifully.  We must make sure our own morals and actions are loving and upright.  And, we must pray to say or do what we might be called to do, especially on a personal, one-on-one level with others who may disagree.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

One of my favorites, Micah 6:8

 

7QT: Seven Quick Takes on Why I Remain Catholic (Volume XV)

This week, instead of seven quick takes, I'm listing seven reasons why I'm still Catholic.  I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum.

Elizabeth Scalia has started an online discussion asking Catholics - why do you remain Catholic? Her blog at Patheos has generated lots of responses throughout this week.  I thought I'd take a stab at it myself.

First, let me preface this by saying that, I've only been Catholic since 2006.  It's been almost a decade, but that's not a long time in the grand scheme of things.  Consider that my viewpoint is like talking to a 9-year-old in the faith.  On the one hand, I've done a lot of reading and thinking for a "9-year-old," on the other hand, in this short time of only 9 years, I feel like I still don't know much, and I also have experienced the temptation to leave the Catholic faith, yet I remain.

Here are 7 reasons why I stay Catholic:

~1~

The Saints. 

We have it all - from great artists to manual laborers.  We have men, women, and children of every race, nationality, and epoch.  We have a patron saint of nearly any cause (here's just one index to prove it).  If you need inspiration or someone to relate to, the Catholic Church puts forth an example in the faith for you.

One thing that frustrated me as a Protestant was that there was a huge gap in the so-called heroes of faith between the time of the Bible and the present day.  Protestants rely on sola scriptura (Bible alone) for their theology.  While I read books about the women of the Bible, there was something sorely lacking.  We don't know a lot about these women of the Bible, we don't know their daily life, and many of them were Jewish, not Christian.  One, prominent woman, The Blessed Virgin Mary, was basically ignored by Protestants.  And then there were thousands of years of silence with maybe one or two women to hold up as examples of Christian women between the Bible times and the present day.  I love the Lord Jesus, but he wasn't a woman.  He didn't live in the modern times or have a job at an office or children.  But, the Catholic faith reminds us that there is a saint who can relate to almost every aspect of your life.  And, relying on their intercession as part of our family is a wonderful thing.  We declare who is in heaven, not who is in hell.  And they are on our team!

I had a dream about Mary that was a catalyst for bringing me into the Church.  I was prompted at the death of Pope John Paul II to become Catholic.  (I was confirmed one "liturgical" year after his death - he died on the eve of Divine Mercy Sunday, 2005, and I was confirmed on the eve of Divine Mercy Sunday, 2006).  I discovered St. Faustina and the Little Flower, who have both provided me guidance and inspiration.  There is no longer a gap in my life between our examples of the faith in the Bible and our modern day world.  If you're ever feeling spiritually "dry," and can't connect to the Trinity or to the Blessed Virgin Mary, then look to the saints for another inspiration.  I love the saints, and I rely on them for intercession, guidance.  I'm part of a huge, loving family that I never knew about before.

~2~

The Magisterium. 

I know outsiders, including some Protestants, think that Catholics are brainwashed sheep who don't think for themselves.  They just blindly follow the pope or their priests.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

On the one hand, I would love it if more Catholics were obedient to the Magisterium.  There wouldn't be such public scandal and embarrassingly bad examples of Catholics.  On the other hand, there is room for dissent, and I wish people would engage with Church teaching deeply - not just blindly accept or ignorantly reject it.  We are not asked to accept things hook, line, and sinker, with no thought on our own part.  And yet, when confirmed and when we receive communion, we say that we are in union with all that the Church believes, teaches, and professes to be revealed by God.  When it comes down to it, lots of things are discipline or tradition (small "t"), not dogma or doctrine.  What we are asked to believe is a somewhat short list, but it affects all of our lives.

There are some teachings I struggle with.  But, there is great relief knowing that I don't have to reinvent the wheel.  I get frustrated when I hear Protestants struggle with certain beliefs.  I think - someone has already done that struggling for you!  And there are thousands of years of wisdom behind the conclusion - going all the way back to the apostles!  As a Protestant (at least my brand of it), we were basically taught to read and study the scriptures for ourselves and find a church that "taught the Bible."  (Of course, the only "real" Christians were the ones who "taught the Bible" just like our church did.)  When the inevitable disagreements between your interpretation and the pastor's interpretation of the Bible occurred, you had to decide - was this essential?  (who decides what is essential or non-essential, anyway?)  if essential, should you confront the pastor, leave the church, or start a new church?  It was always a feeling of insecurity.  (This probably differs in mainline denominations, where you sort of know what you're going to get.)  We had our beliefs, but further study or a really good preacher could possibly even prove those beliefs wrong with the Bible.  You look down the street and see 5 different churches preaching 5 different versions of the gospel.  Which one is true?

The Magisterium is a relief to me.  I struggle to understand and accept the Church teachings sometimes.  But, I find there is great wisdom in them.  I have learned that a lot of the struggle is rooted in pride and in the Protestant habit of thinking I knew better than the whole church.  I figure, if The Church is right about the Eucharist and Reconciliation (some of my favorite teachings), it might be right on the other stuff too.  And, if it comes from a place of love - the ideal - what would be best for every human - then, I can understand the teachings better.  It's a high bar, but we do have the grace to live it.  It ultimately comes down to the question of authority.  Who has the right to speak for God, to interpret what Jesus really meant?   The Church.  Would Jesus leave behind such confusion as we have now?  What did the Church do in worship and believe before the Bible was codified?  Who decided which books went in the Bible and which books didn't?  Could it be that God not only left a deposit of faith, but kept it alive and continues to guide it by the Holy Spirit?  I believe, yes.  And, that isn't a static book, but a living organism, known as the Church.  Made of flawed humans, yes, but given divine authority to help us lay people sort it all out.  

Here is a good article about why doing even what the minimum of what the Church asks of us will help you lead a better life.

In this age of ethical dilemmas, sex reassignment surgery, gay marriage, nuclear weapons, environmental destruction, and so much more, it's nice that the wisdom of the Church can guide me, using the Bible, tradition, the wisdom of natural law, and the Holy Spirit.

~3~

NFP and Theology of the Body.  

Although these teachings are often criticized, misunderstood, and difficult to accept, I believe that they have saved my soul.  While outwardly practicing Catholicism early on as a new Catholic, I was still inwardly sinning big time.  I thought that NFP was for people that wanted countless kids, and I had never heard of Theology of the Body.  I didn't know that contraception was a class 1 carcinogen, nor did I consider sex outside marriage, masturbation, or homosexual sex to be sinful. These topics were never mentioned in my RCIA class, and if they were, it was either in passing, or I would have figured I could pick and choose which Church teachings I wanted to follow (and those wouldn't have been included).  I figured everything was fair game, sexually speaking.
 
Interestingly, though very much related, this was the period in time during which I was most tempted to leave Catholicism.  I had been Catholic about 3 years by that point when the pull was strong.  It was too conservative for me.  It was hard for me to defend church teaching on sexuality to my gay and straight friends (in fact, I didn't bother defending it; now that I do, it's still hard).  I was surrounded by secular friends, not one Catholic friend, and probably not one practicing Christian friend at the time.

After a few years of this destruction, I was shaken out of my selfishness by a podcast I heard with Rosalind Moss (now, Mother Miriam of the Lamb of God).  It was a call in show, and she basically answered a question about marriage to say that, regardless of your station in life, your call is to be as unselfish as possible.  I realized that was not how I was living, and it began the chain of events that turned me around.

I never would have been able to swallow the NFP teachings a few years after this change, if I hadn't had a crash course in Theology of the Body beforehand.  For once, even though it was difficult, I understood why the Church taught what she did, thanks to Christopher West and Theology of the Body.  It made way more sense than the near-gnosticism I found in both Protestant and extremely secular/liberal viewpoints.  The body wasn't bad, nor was it solely for pleasure, nor was it meaningless.  Sex wasn't bad or naughty, nor was it inconsequential or a commodity to be traded between consenting adults.  Theology of the Body put the why behind the what.  Combined with the grace of the sacraments and the common sense of natural law, I was finally able to see the full picture of Catholic teaching and embrace it.  I finally was willing to give God's way a try with my whole self, not just abstaining because it was the right thing to do, but understanding the reasoning behind the moral teachings and embracing all of it.  I really "got it," and I have been extremely blessed as a result.  Come to find out, NFP is actually pro-women and pro-marriage.  It makes the marriage stronger. The most education I got on the female body, I got it in the Catholic Church!  Rather than masking problems with the pill, NFP teaches you to know yourself and puts sex in the right context.

Thanks to God's grace, I am a fully practicing Catholic, including being open to life and practicing NFP at the moment in our marriage.  I hope someday to be a parent.  I also have changed my mind on other sexual issues too.  I understand the context that sex should have in marriage and society.  I understand it is possible, though difficult, to live out a life of chastity or celibacy.  I know that great healing and wholeness comes from doing things the right way.  Now that I've had this awakening, the world seems extremely anti-child, anti-woman, and pro-death to me.  I notice this all around me, and I pray for healing in that area.

Thank God for a Catholic husband who is open to NFP too.  If it weren't for these teachings, I honestly think I'd still be single, I'd be married to a non-Catholic, I'd still be in mortal sin by either contracepting or sexual activity, or I'd possibly not be Catholic anymore at all.  I was right on the verge of leaving when I came back again to Catholicism through God's grace.  Confession came first, then Theology of the Body and natural law, and finally NFP.  Embracing these teachings has helped me stay put because, for once, the human condition is explained with reason and love.  Difficult, yes, but God gives us grace.

(Yet another connection/shout out to JPII.)

~4~

Eucharist and Reconciliation.

It's hard to reduce what these two sacraments mean to me in a few paragraphs on a blog.  But, chiefly, they are the reasons I am a Catholic.  God's grace and presence have never been so real to me as they are in these two sacraments.  Even if I struggle with other teachings, find the homily boring, can't stand the music at mass, or any other complaint - God is coming to us in these sacraments.  As our priest reminds us, all sacraments are about God's action and our reception.  They aren't about us doing or achieving something.  We have to receive the gift.

Confession (and counseling) has been one of the most helpful and healing things in my life as it relates to recovery from an abusive childhood and recovery from my own mistakes and bad choices.  God is really, actually there in the sacrament of reconciliation.  Even if I don't know the priest.  Even if I'm in a hurry.  Even if I'm "only" confessing venial sins.  God shows up, every time.  I can't even really explain it.  And, it's not always an emotional reaction, but frequently it is.  I know that God is reaching me through the actions and words of a priest, He is breaking through to my daily life and reminding me that there is wholeness, love, and healing, if I will just show up to meet the Divine Physician.  

And, the Eucharist...what can I say that hasn't been explained by many others who are more intelligent and articulate than I?  Many years before becoming Catholic, I was convinced by John 6 that Jesus was truly present in the Eucharist.  I started going to churches that had weekly communion, yet, was he always there?  I believe, yes, to some extent.  But, there is something different about the Catholic Church.  And, call me crazy or illogical, but I can feel it.  I can tell when I walk into a church whether or not the Eucharist is there.  I feel something different in Catholic Churches than I do in other churches, even the most high-church/liturgical Protestant ones in existence.  God is really there, in a most precious and present way.  It may come from logic or experience, but I know that I know that I know that it is really God in that Eucharist.  And, come what may, I don't think I could ever turn my back on that.

"Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life." - John 6: 68

(Peter, speaking to Jesus, after many followers left Jesus when he explained that the Eucharist was his body and blood)

~5~

Tradition... 

(Tradition - pardon me, just singing from Fiddler on the Roof...Tradition).

Okay, now that that song is in your head - tradition!

Why does tradition get such a bad rap in some circles?  It is pitted against the Bible, as if our traditions undermine the truths found in scripture.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  As a child, I always longed for tradition, both in our religious life and family life.  In our Protestant church, Christmas was celebrated on the Sunday closest to December 25, not on Christmas day.  There was no Advent leading up to it.  There was no Lent or Holy Week leading up to Easter.  Jesus was celebrated as being "risen" long before Easter Sunday.  (Yes, I realize he is eternally risen in heaven.)  Jesus' birth and "Joy to the World" were sung long before Christmas day.  Some years, we would do the Good Friday readings on Good Friday.  Other years, we didn't.  Sometimes, they would get out a cross once a year around Easter (there were no religious symbols in our church), but sometimes they didn't.  There was no longing, no waiting, no anticipation.  Everything blurred together.  Christ was always risen, and yet, the emphasis on the great suffering he endured before rising was not ever focused upon.  Jesus coming as a baby was never anticipated, he was already here, so to speak.  The role his mother played in the incarnation was virtually ignored.  

Even in our family life, I always longed for there to be a tradition, an order, a family "thing" I could count on.  I wanted us to always put up the Christmas tree after Thanksgiving, or to always exchange Christmas gifts at a certain time in a certain way (Christmas Eve at midnight or first thing Christmas day).  I wanted to always cook/eat certain meals like ham at Easter or boiled eggs.  I wanted a culture to go along with our doctrine.  But, aside from birthday cake most years and a Christmas tree eventually getting put up, there were no solid traditions in our family.  But for whatever reason, I did long for it.  I heard of my friends' family traditions, and I wanted something similar.  I wanted an identity to latch onto.  I remember when people would ask what church I went to, it was hard to answer.  This was the Bible belt, and Baptist, Methodist, even Wesleyan were understood responses.   But, we didn't have a youth group.  There were almost no other kids our age in the church.  When I said "non-denominational," it wasn't the mega-church, charismatic type.  I always felt like I "didn't belong."  I just wanted to be a part of a group with recognized beliefs and traditions, not the fringe fundamentalists that we were.  I would usually just say "Protestant" to try to convey a more laid-back rendering of our true beliefs.  We were even protesting other protestors!

It's hard to be a Catholic convert in this respect.  I have no idea what a Catholic culture in the home looks like, and yet, I want to establish it for myself and for any future children we might have.  This year we had an Advent wreath and then left our Christmas tree up until Epiphany.  We also made a small area our home altar and change the table runner to match the color of the liturgical seasons.  It's a start.  I want to celebrate feast days that are meaningful to us.  I want to light candles and pray for our deceased relatives on their birthdays or anniversaries of death.  I want to pray the rosary.  I want to do it all and be a real Catholic.

As human beings, we have so many rich traditions that help us celebrate all occasions - face paint at a football game, cake on a birthday, rings at a wedding, champagne at the New Year, on and on...  And yet, when it comes to our faith, many are hesitant to add "man-made tradition" onto religious practice.

However, if you know the meaning behind these rituals, it just makes the experience that much more rich.  The holy water at the entrance to church reminds us of our baptism.  The way we cross ourselves reminds us of the trinity and the hypostatic union.  The colors of the vestments remind us of where we are in the liturgical year.  The incense reminds us that our prayers rise to heaven like incense.  The plethora of saints and cultural customs provide us with other reminders, depending on any devotions you may have (we like St. Joseph in the Italian style a lot, for example).

Connecting to these traditions help give a certain rhythm to my life that was lacking before.  There is dying and rising again.  There is discipline and fasting, followed by rejoicing.  There is anticipation and then arrival or fulfillment.  Our senses are all involved, not just our brains, in the Catholic faith.  I love the sights, sounds, smells, touch, and taste of our faith.  Everything from the Eucharist itself, to the oils of anointing to the braided bread of the St. Joseph's altar table can remind us of our faith, if we let it.  We don't have to be holier-than-thou weirdos with no human element to our lives and saint wallpaper at home.  And yet, we can transform our daily traditions by infusing them with the rhythm and the great truths of our Catholic faith.  This is yet another reason why I love being Catholic.  

~6~

Liturgy, The Arts, Music.

Recently, Mark Judge, a Catholic artist, made headlines because he said he was leaving the Catholic Church due to the lack of patronage of the arts.  I fully understand that sentiment, and I know exactly where he's coming from.  I wish he hadn't left the Church over that reason, but I understand why he did.

Yet, looking over the course of history, the Catholic Church is a patron to some of the greatest art, music, and architecture ever made.  We are experiencing a new evangelization when it comes to apologetics and understanding our faith.  I'm waiting for the day when that zeal and creativity comes to the arts.  My husband and I are both musicians, and it can be frustrating to attend church sometimes.  I long for Catholic Churches to be the most beautiful ones with the best music, vestments, liturgy, etc. of all.  However, even if they are not, Jesus shows up.

As a classically trained musician, you must study music history.  To study the music of the past (especially in the Renaissance), is to study the music of the Catholic Church.  We learned the mass parts, we we learned their place in the liturgy, and we learned some of the most well-written church music that has stood the test of time when studying music history.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if the church were a haven for or a patron of the best artistry of our time?  I know in our city, we are trying to bring high quality music and arts to churches, via performances/concerts/events.

For me, to study music history and learn about the Catholic Church was just another way for it to come alive for me, before the theology was there.  I realized that the "history" I had been taught in my church growing up was flat out wrong.  We were taught that there was an underground "Protestant" church that had the "real truth" in opposition to the Catholic Church.  In fact, we know about non-Catholic sects from that time because the Catholic Church would respond to some of the popular heresies.  If there were an underground church, what was Martin Luther protesting, then?  Why couldn't he go to an already-existent church?  All that to say that many fundamentalists (and specifically Baptists) are taught a flat out wrong view of history that does not acknowledge the Catholic Church has been around all along, and that the Catholic Church in fact pre-dates other forms of Christianity.  In studying music history, this was apparent, along with the rich history and tradition we have of the arts in our church.

On a somewhat related note to the rich tradition of the arts and liturgy in our church, the words of John Henry Cardinal Newman come to mind, "To be deep in history is to cease to be Protestant."

So be it.  (Amen.)

~7~

And finally, why do I remain Catholic?

It's not any one thing.  I can tell you what makes me want to leave - child-molesting priests, bishops who cover up child-molesting priests, the perception that we are anti-women, anti-gay, and anti-science, bad music at mass, stuck up people who think they are holier than thou.  I could air a long list of grievances, as I'm sure all Catholics could.  However, we are a family.  A broken, messed up family, with a divine source and guide.  When you consider the scandals over the centuries in the Catholic Church, I would think that any other institution would have failed by now, if it were merely human.  I don't like to be perceived as ignorant or backwards. (I don't think Catholics are, I think our teachings are just misunderstood.)  I don't like an abusing priest any more than I like Hitler.  One victim is one too many.  Some Sundays, the only thing I "get" out of mass is the Eucharist - the rest is like enduring a penance.  Not to mention that my family has rejected me for becoming Catholic and has told me I'm deceived and going to hell.

For many, many reasons, it would be much easier for me to just stop being Catholic - to take a pill or use condoms, to be able to accept things that are politically correct, to live however the heck I want, to please my family members.  Being Catholic has made my life exponentially harder, there is no doubt.  But it is true, and it is worth it.

I am fortunate to know many, many faith-filled Catholics, to have encountered several awesome priests, some of them life-changing.  I have also experienced the flaws and faults of our church, but by God's grace, I hope not to go anywhere else because Jesus is there in the Church and in the Eucharist.  (No, that's not the only place Jesus is, but He is there.)

I stay because it's true.  I stay because God shows up on the altar, week after week, no matter how bad the music or the homily is.  I stay because I have a family of saints, centuries strong, that stand behind me.  I stay because it makes sense and explains the human condition.  I stay because it is the only thing that has helped me rebuild my messy life.

"Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life." - John 6: 68

Happy Solemnity of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus!

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume X)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.

~1~

Why are all my favorite bloggers moving to podcasts now?!!  So annoying!  I love podcasts, and I listen to them daily on my commute and when I'm doing tasks or errands, but I prefer blogs.  I can read them at work and refer back to them much more easily.  I always seem to be one step behind.  Once I resign myself to losing my favorite bloggers to podcasts, everyone will start doing something else.

~2~

God gives us grace for today, not for hypothetical, worrisome situations in the future.  I have to remember this.  Especially as I consider how my current life circumstances are not conducive to what I think I want in the future - children.  One step at a time.  We must deal with what is.    

~3~

After a lifetime of almost no dental problems and nary a cavity, I now have multiple cavities and have to either get a bridge or an implant for one tooth.  I don't know what happened in the last 6 months (aside from getting married), but I'm falling apart now.  It's expensive and frustrating.  Getting old ain't for sissies.    

~4~

I recently discovered the work of Deacon James Keating.  This discovery, combined with the work of Father Timothy Gallagher on discernment has really, really helped me with a lifelong problem that I didn't even know I had.  Did you know that the mean voice in your head that condemns you, blames you, hates you, attacks you, and generally makes you feel like crap is not from God?  Maybe everyone knew this but me, or maybe not everyone has that "voice" as a constant companion.  I just have gotten so used to that voice over the years that I basically heard it as my own.  You know, the "taped messages" you replay to yourself?  Part of the negativity and hatred came from my parents and the way they talked to us, taught us to treat ourselves, their view of God as judgmental, and their view of humanity as totally depraved.  Gradually, I have been able to weed out their voice in some respects, but my own voice to myself was not much better.  I didn't realize that God is not the one who condemns you or hates you.  I confused my desire for more holiness, my desire to be better and to do better with a mean voice in my head that reminded me of how far I had to go.  But, you must question your thoughts - even the thoughts which come in the first person.  If they discourage you, condemn you, remind you of your mistakes in a way that is not helpful, they are not of God.  It's that simple.  Again, maybe everyone knew this but me.  I could have told you that the Holy Spirit doesn't condemn, that "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus," (Romans 8:1) or that the devil is referred to as the accuser of the brethren, but at the same time, I put up with this voice as a constant companion, thinking it was God.  In moments of despair or panic, this voice screams the loudest.  It's part of my hardware.  But now, I can't explain the relief I have found from recognizing that it is not of God and dismissing it summarily.  There is freedom, clarity, and peace in my mind that is totally brand new.  

Fr. Gallagher explains that when one is moving from sin to holiness, God will "prick" you by convicting you of your sins (not condemning you).  Once you are on a path of holiness, but trying to do better, it's not God, but the devil who "pricks" you, reminding you of your mistakes, telling you that you'll never succeed, and generally discouraging you.  One has to discern which stage on the journey they are in, and know whether or not you're listening to the voice of your best friend or your worst enemy.  Deacon Keating explains that the accuser often comes in the form of a "You are..." statement, such as "You are such a loser, you can't do anything right," or "You are such a hypocrite, who do you think you are?"  Whereas God often comes in the form of an "I am" statement, such as "I am the God who heals you," or "I am love, I will never stop loving you."  You can find the work of both Deacon Keating and Father Gallagher at Discerning Hearts, or from other sources by doing a simple internet search.  That is my brief summary of what has been a major breakthrough for me.      

~5~

Speaking of such things, I have really gotten into the writings and story of Joseph Sciambra.  I am fascinated by conversion (or reversion) stories.  Joseph was raised nominally Catholic and gradually slipped into a deviant lifestyle in the gay community, getting deeper and deeper.  He writes from a perspective now of a man redeemed and living out the call to chastity.  Pray for him, for others like him, and for those who could be reached by his story for their own conversion.  Our world needs more people who are this brave. 

I think part of the reason I am drawn to Joseph is that Theology of the Body was a life-changer for me.  I have yet to explore the depths of TOB, but I feel like it is an encompassing truth which explains our fundamental nature and destiny in light of natural law and gospel truth.  (I write a little bit about my encounter with Theology of the Body and Natural Family Planning here.  I also touch on it in my conversion story, which is in four parts here: I, II, III, IV.)  

Joseph also reminds us that the demonic is at work in the sexual perversions of our world.  We are so accustomed to it that I think many of us open ourselves to spiritual oppression by accepting or acting upon these base desires.  You turn on the TV, and jokes about porn and masturbation abound.  They are treated as normal behaviors.  Gay couples are depicted on TV as if they are about half of the population (not the 3-5% estimated by sociologists).  Not to mention that promiscuity, fornication, and the like, are just seen as normal.  I am guilty of all of this.  I swallowed this mindset hook, line, and sinker when I left home for college.  I was indoctrinated by the Sex and the City lifestyle throughout college, and fell into deep sin for the majority of my twenties, despite being raised in a Christian home.  

All that to say, considering the high percentage of persons involved in pornography (by consumption alone), both gay and straight, and those involved in sexual sin, both gay and straight, our world is in the devil's hand, doing whatever he wants.  This isn't something insignificant or to be taken lightly.  This isn't just another sin, this is a sin of the body, which is crucial to our being - eternal and temporal.  Our bodies proclaim the gospel.  Our bodies are not just something we are "stuck" in, housing our "real" selves.  Our bodies are the embodiment of our souls.  (I have to respectfully disagree with C.S. Lewis on the point, "You do not have a soul.  You are a soul, you have a body."  No - we are an embodied-soul or an en-soul-ed-body, you cannot separate the two.  A soul without a body is a ghost.  A body without a soul is a zombie.  We will have bodies in eternity.  We believe in a resurrection of the body.  I want to write more on the connection between near-gnosticism by some Protestants and liberal humanism, both believing the body is unimportant.)  I digress.  All this to say that Joseph's story has reminded me that "we wrestle not with flesh and blood." (Ephesians 6:12)  Also, we can pretty much draw a line in the sand - that which is not life, and life more abundantly is not of God.  Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  (John 10:10)  It's very black and white.  I am trying to be more vigilant in this and realize that you can't dabble in or mess around with this stuff.  We have to stay pure, go to confession, receive the sacraments, and fight this war.  

~6~

Tomorrow (God willing), marks the last day of a lay catechist training program I've been taking through our diocese.  It consists of three semesters of work, over 90 hours of instruction and 3 days of reflection.  I felt like, as a convert, I had a somewhat limited understanding of the faith.  I had done lots of reading when I converted 9 years ago.  I continued to read theology, but RCIA was a long time ago.  I felt extremely knowledgeable in some areas of Catholicism (specifically about areas of apologetics that differed from Protestantism), and I felt extremely ignorant about other areas of Catholicism.  I wanted to fill in the gaps.  While it was difficult to give up so many Saturdays over the last year and a half, I'm happy to be almost done.  I have learned a lot, and I'm considering getting a Master's in Theology.  It's one of the only things that interests me anymore - our Catholic faith, that is.  

~7~

Like I say every time I do this post, seven sure seems like a lot of "quick" takes.  I have over 10 drafts of blog posts, 451 notes to myself on my iphone, and 16 email drafts to myself of blog ideas.  I want to explore all of these thoughts further (and I did blog a little more than usual this week), however, when it comes to writing seven things down, I seem to be at a loss every time.  

May the peace of Christ live always in your hearts.  

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume IX)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to summarize my week in Seven Quick Takes.  

~1~

Cath, Cath-ity, Catholic.  

My very anti-Catholic parents visited us last weekend, and may have been Catholicked-out.  We went to an event at a Catholic church (non-religious), then mass on Sunday, then went to a St. Joseph's altar.  I was praying their little Protesting hearts didn't just go apoplectic.  Thankfully, it was a peaceful weekend - no confrontation about said religious traditions and customs.  I felt like they respected our faith.  It is still very difficult being the only Catholic in the family.  I feel very mis-understood.  I was really left with a sense of sadness at the end of the weekend.  Even when I am literally in the same room as my parents, I feel so distant from them sometimes.  It is so hard to connect with them, especially on an emotional level.  I have had to keep my distance and boundaries for years, in order to be safe and healthy.  But, I still mourn the loss of our parent-child relationship, even as it unfolds before me.  I think I am as close to them as I can be, given the circumstances.  At the same time, the child within me longs to be accepted and loved by my parents in a way that I can feel.  But, last weekend was progress.  They tried hard.

~2~

Discerning.  Vocation.  

Maybe the biological clock is a real thing.  I have never wanted children more than I do right now.  We are married and so happy.  We want kids.  We just can't afford them.  If we did have them, I don't know who would care for them, or how we could afford childcare for the next 5-ish years before school is a possibility.  If we did figure that part out, I really don't know about sending them to public school.  And yet, we can't afford private school nor do we have the resources to homeschool right now.  There are so many unknowns.  If it happened, we would "make it work."  We would be so excited.  However, I really hate that if I wanted birth control, it would be free to me from our government and "health care" system.  However, if I want to have a baby, I wouldn't be able to make ends meet, afford the birth itself, or have a way to take care of the child until school is available.  I hate that about our culture.  It makes one choice so easy (sterility), and another choice (family life) nearly impossible for the working, middle class.  THIS is the true war on women.  With all that in mind, there is a job I'm thinking of applying for.  It may give me more flexible hours and be closer to home, I just don't know if the pay would be decent.  With my husband's disability, I will most likely have to work...forever, and he can't take care of the children alone full-time.  I have to admit to pangs of jealousy or even anger when people complain about their children or their life at home as a mom.  I know it's not easy to be a mother, or a stay-at-home mother.  I just wish that they would realize they are complaining about a gift that not all of us have.  The same could be said of those who complain about their jobs, when there are many out of work or under-employed.  God give us grace to do your will.

~3~

Evangelization fail.    

There's a funny video circulating the web about evangelization.  You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMLYBvmMbPE

Speaking of #2, I was discussing children, marriage, and the like with a friend of mine who is about to get married.  She is Protestant.  She lives with her fiance, using contraception.  We talked about wanting children in the future, and I didn't use that opportunity to talk about NFP or the gift it has been to us in our marriage.  I was kicking myself later because it would have been a logical time to bring that up, not awkward at all, and I really should have said something to plant the seed of approaching life in a different way.  She is a true Christian and means well.  She truly doesn't know the harm that contraception can cause, nor does she believe she's doing anything wrong.  I sort of pulled a "timid Tammy" and chickened out of saying anything, telling myself that it was TMI, even though we are close friends.  I'm not the best evangelizer.  I can talk until I'm blue in the face with my Catholic friends about all aspects of the faith.  But, give me a non-Catholic, and I will either put my foot in my mouth or say NOTHING.  God, give me courage and the grace to say what I should, when I should.  Ugh, it's so hard sometimes.

~4~

Lent.  

Lent is going okay this year, but I have yet to make good on my resolutions.  I still need to go through my clutter, clothing, and "stuff" to down-size, streamline, give away, etc.  I  have made zero progress.  I haven't made the project/problem worse, I just have yet to spend the time to do this.  And, time is ticking.  Unlike years past, I have really almost enjoyed Lent this year.  I have tried not to hate myself or beat myself up as a form of "penance".  I made it to confession once, I have been to Stations of the Cross several times, and I have quasi-successfully avoided meat on Fridays.  Maybe I'm finally easing into being a Catholic during Lent.

~5~

Religious addiction.  

Elizabeth Esther is working on a new book about spiritual addiction.  I'm so excited to read it.  We have similar backgrounds, although hers is much more severe, and her theology growing up was different from mine growing up (Armenian versus Calvinist).  She posted some information from her research yesterday on Instagram that hit pretty close to home:

"Religious addiction is a process addiction like gambling or excessive dieting. Religious addiction hinges on one essential belief: that humans are inherently evil." from Robert N. Minor

Um, hello, Calvinism!!!  I truly believe it to be one of the most damaging philosophies/theologies on earth.  Now, a PhD is backing me up.  There is something so insidious about believing yourself to be evil, inherently flawed.  Even if it doesn't make sense, it's hard to shake.  It's hard to trust yourself.  It's hard to trust others if you think they're 100% evil also.  We watched The Giver recently.  [SPOILER ALERT]  Towards the end, Meryl Strep's character says that when you give humans the freedom to choose, they always choose wrong.  Um, hello, Calvinism, again!!!  I would like to posit - no, they don't.  We, as a human race, are capable of horrors, of evil beyond comprehension.  And yet, we are also capable of using our will to do good, to love, and to bring beauty and truth into this world.  We don't always choose the wrong or evil option.  It's interesting to note the devastating consequences that particular belief can have, even though it goes against my experience of the world. 

~6~

Spring. 

Happy first day of Spring!!!  Can I just say that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a real thing?! (And why do we have to call it SAD?  LOL.  Yes, we feel sad, thanks for the reminder.)  And, the fog has finally lifted.  The horrific darkness and heaviness of winter is OVER!  At least where I live, the fog lifted about a week or two ago.  I never realize how hard winter is for me until it's over.  Every single year this happens.  I feel human again!!!  Thank you GOD for the sunshine!

~7~

T.G.I.F. 

I have to say, seven is a lot of "quick takes," and that's all I've got.  Have a great Friday, a good and restful weekend, and be blessed!

O most holy heart of Jesus, fountain of every blessing, I adore you, I love you, and with lively sorrow for my sins I offer you this poor heart of mine. Make me humble, patient, pure and wholly obedient to your will. Grant, Good Jesus, that I may live in you and for you. Protect me in the midst of danger. Comfort me in my afflictions. Give me health of body, assistance in my temporal needs, your blessing on all that I do, and the grace of a holy death. Amen.