Here We Are

I was going to link up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you Seven Quick Takes from my world this week....but last Friday turned into today (Monday), and 7 quick takes turned into random ramblings on Mother's Day.  So, here we go.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I have to say it's a difficult day for me. I love my mom, but we aren't that close. She did the best she could under difficult circumstances. But, the emotional temperature of our relationship is like what I would guess a distant great aunt is like or something.  It's hard to honor someone when the way you're expected to honor them is dictated to you by society and by parental expectations.  [I literally received a message instructing me on what I should post on Facebook regarding Mother's Day.]  Most people adore their mothers, consider them best friends, have warm fuzzy feelings toward them...  

The sting is not as deep this year.  I am learning to feel more of God's love than ever before.  I am trying to cultivate a relationship with Mary.  I'm more secure in myself and my boundaries.  It's easy to recognize the crazy and quickly dismiss it now, more than ever before.  But, those of us with abusive parents have a hard time with Mother's Day (and Father's Day).  As an adult child, it's hard to know how to honor and respect them, how to forgive them, and how to keep good boundaries without becoming hard-hearted or falling back into the familiar dysfunction.    

Not to give my mom too hard of a time.  After all, she did apologize last year in an unprecedented move.  She basically said she was sorry for so much of our childhood pain.  And that was deeply healing.  (See: The Day I Thought Would Never Come)  But...it's complicated.  There's not a hallmark card that says how I feel, nor should I necessarily express all that comes into my mind and heart.  I just struggle sometimes with why.  Supposedly God only allows things into our life that will bring about a greater good, that will bring about His will.  I should be grateful.  Yet, in this life, it's hard to see - why did He pick them as my parents?  why did He allow the abuse?  why did it have to be so hard?  I see the broken lives of my siblings and the struggles I have had.  I feel like my entire childhood was a cross to bear, and I ask - there's more?  more suffering ahead?  You mean, the entire Christian life is about crosses?  I digress.     

Then there's the nagging question - when and how will I ever be a mother?  People mean well, but they can be insensitive.  Much like the sting of Mother's Day, the sting of "are you pregnant yet?" or "when is it going to be your turn?" hurts a little less now too.  I know they mean well.  I don't have the emotional energy to give to each and every drama that could be, each and every remark, each and every assumption.  I can "let it be" a little more easily than in the past.  But, suffice it to say, when you look at another person's life circumstances, things may not be what they are for the reasons you think.  Many single people would love to be married.  Many childless people would love to be parents.  As each day, month, year slides by and time flies and marches on, I do wonder what life will hold for me.  For me and my husband.  For me and my womb.      

My comfort is that we have a spiritual mother.  As foreign and mysterious as she is, I know she's also very close to me, that she probably helped bring me into the Church, and that if I could only receive her love, I'd receive more of God's love.  If I could follow her way, I'd find The Way.  

"Lovely Lady, dressed in blue, teach me how to pray."

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXXIII)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.  

~1~

I'm baaack.

So, I kind of took a blogging hiatus for about the last 4 months...not that anyone even reads/notices/cares, but I'm back-ish.  I'm not sure if this space will stay what it has been, but I re-activated ye-old blog for now. 

I really have felt the need to retreat and get my priorities straight the last few months.  I'm not sure I'm "there" yet, but I enjoyed the break.  By the same token,  I have a strong need to write.  I want to start a blog or write a book or something.  And yet, I really feel like I need to retain some privacy. (Ari is a nickname.)  At the same time, I have considered purchasing a domain and just starting a new blog there.  Lots to keep in mind.  I want it to have the potential to talk about anything, but most of the things I think to write about concern my Catholic faith.  

~2~

Future.

Life is really good with my husband.  I thank God for that and for him every day.  I do wonder what our future holds.  In other words, will we ever have children?  It's hard to be a female in the Catholic blog-o-sphere because it seems that everyone is a mom-blogger or has 1-10 children.  I'm certainly open to life and want children.  We practice NFP right now.  It's tax season and open enrollment for my insurance at work.  More than ever, the reality has set in that we just cannot afford children right now.  And there are other factors, like my husband's disability.  And other factors too, concerning my health.  Sometimes I wonder how the middle class ever make it in this country.  Are we even middle class?  Our mortgage went up, our insurance went up, our phone bill went up, etc....of course the salaries have not gone up and the coverage of said insurance has decreased.  It's just a crunch time for us financially...and will be for at least the next 3 years or so.  By then I will be even-more-advanced maternal age.  I don't want to give into despair.  And yet, I didn't think this would be my life story.    

Jesus, I trust in You. 

Thy will be done.  

~3~

Commute.

On a lighter note, one major shift that has occurred since the last blog post was that I am now a commuter who uses public transportation.  I have always hated driving, but the possibility of using public transportation to get to work has never been an option, even though we live in one of the largest cities in the US.  However, recently the routes and whatnot have been changed for the buses in our city.  Wouldn't you know it, but I can now get on a nice charter-type bus, and let someone else deal with traffic for me?  It's awesome.  I'm dropped off right by my office.  I can park for free where I catch the bus, or if need be, my husband can drop me off because it's not too far from home. Granted, it still takes about 1.5 - 2 hours to get to and from work, so I'm still basically gone 7a-7p most days, and that does suck....but the amount of time that I personally am driving every day has been reduced from 2-4 hours per day to about 1 hour per day.  This is a huge improvement on my mental health, wear-and-tear on my car, and physical health.  I just can't even express the joy that I have found not having to drive so much in the worst traffic on earth.  It has also made me better able to cope with my job and some of the innate frustrations of work.  I don't arrive at work after fighting traffic for 1.5-2 hours.  I don't arrive home hangry and in near tears out of stress, I arrive after sitting on an air-conditioned bus while I sip coffee, read, or listen to podcasts.  It's amazing.  I feel like this change has bought me more time at my job.  I didn't see how it was sustainable for the long-run...even though I've worked here for over 3 years now.  It has been a major, drastic, awesome life change.  I can't fathom going back to driving so much.      

~4~

Mass.

Thanks to another shift in the schedule of a nearby chapel, I'm able to attend daily mass a few days a week now during my lunch break.  I really felt like I needed something more in my spiritual life. And, while I still need even more of God in my life, these few extra days a week in which I can receive the Eucharist and go to mass are a huge, huge blessing.  

~5~

Easter. 

We had a wonderful Easter a few weeks ago.  We went to the Easter Vigil, which lasted almost 4 hours at our church.  After it was over, we saw some friends of ours from the young adult group.  They invited a bunch of us over for crepes.  It was so fun.  I felt like a crazy Catholic, having a post-Easter-vigil party in the middle of the night.  We got home around 3:30 am, and had to be up at 5:30 am to play music for Easter services the next day.  Yes, we were so tired on 2 hours of sleep, but it was worth it.  I always think back to my partying, "worldly" days or college exploits.  I would have easily partied through the night for less-than-noble reasons in my past...why can't we celebrate the Resurrection with our friends in the same, over-the-top way?  The answer is, we can!  Christ is risen.      

~6~

Conversion Story.

I found out that in the future (not sure when), my conversion story will appear on the Coming Home Network - either in the newsletter or website (or both?).  As I stated before, Ari is a nickname for me.  It was important that my story retain some amount of privacy, due to the things I shared about my family and the way my Catholicism has affected my relationship with my parents.  (Short story - it has been rough, my dad is a Protestant minister of the anti-Catholic variety.)  I have shared most of my story on this blog, too.  

     [You can read it here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV if interested]

Anyway, my husband has a family member who is marrying a non-Catholic soon.  The future spouse has pressured my husband's family member to leave the Church.  I truly think that only those who don't fully understand the faith could ever leave it.  It breaks my heart.  When I heard about that situation, I felt the urge to write my story down and submit it to the Coming Home Network.  I thought, even if it could help one person, I should tell it.  Of course, immediately after sending I felt a nauseous pang of regret, but I chalked that up to the enemy.  I'm not perfect, and I love hearing how God has worked in the lives of others.  Why not share how He has worked in mine too?  I'll keep the blog updated as to when the story is posted on the Coming Home Network.  

~7~

Prayers.

I feel a strong urge to pray for this crazy, fallen world of ours.  It seems like every single day, something more horrifying than the previous day occurs.  It's overwhelming to me.  I have family members in dangerous parts of the world, although, I'm coming to think that "dangerous" is everywhere.   

Did you know that St. Faustina was told in her visions that before Christ came as Judge, there would be a renewal of His Mercy?  I think we are in that renewal now.  The Year of Mercy.  Our world needs mercy.  A true understanding of it.  (Side note - one of the best books I have read recently is Remembering God's Mercy by Dawn Eden...check it out.)  

Anyway, will you consider praying for our country?  against ISIS?  for Catholics to come home?  for whatever God places across your path?  Even if it's an extra Hail Mary a day, or a quick "Lord, have Mercy," our world needs it.  

Answering the Call

Not that I have much of a "following" here, but I felt the need to share what's up with me.

I recently celebrated a birthday.  Though not one of the milestone years, I love the sense of a clean slate that a birthday gives us.  A new start.

Lately something has been brewing inside of me.  I can't figure it out.  I can't name it.

I just know that something must change.

I've had to do a lot of work over the last decade and a half.  Work on myself.  The work that survivors of abuse know.  Work that those who need major therapy understand.  It's hard work.  I don't want to do it most of the time because it is work.  It hurts at times, and yet, there are rewards for doing it.  I know if I don't do it, the poison inside me will kill me.

Do I sound dramatic?  I'm sorry if I do.  I just have gotten too old for this stuff.  I want it out.  I want it gone.  Forever.  I know that may not be possible, but I have got to make room for the work in my life.  How will I do that?

Unplugging.

Minimalism.

Answering the call. 

...{not sure, still figuring it all out}...

I do know that over the last several weeks and months, I've gotten a clear message.  We must "love our neighbors as ourselves."  This isn't new age, mumbo-jumbo.  This is wisdom, hidden in one of our most familiar and beloved Christian verses:

Matthew 22: 36-40

 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

The love of God, self, and others.  That is the key to life.  I need to take some time to do the work of learning to love myself.  

I was raised to hate myself.  I always felt like I should have never been born, like I was unwanted and unloved.  This was through spoken and unspoken messages from my parents.  Our Calvinistic doctrine taught us about a monstrous God who was all about justice and wanted to punish us all to death.  

To know Christ...the real Christ...is to know Love and to become more loving.  To know and love God, who is Love, is to love others and yourself.  If I don't love myself in a healthy, balanced way, how can I love God or others?  The answer is, I can't.  I'm feeling it.  I'm feeling the brokenness.  And it's time for me to unplug, go minimalist, and do whatever it takes to answer the call to conversion on this matter. 

You might not relate to what I describe here, and that's okay.  I don't say it out of self-pity or evangelization.  I simply say it for myself and for the few others who may have had a similar experience.  The relationships we have to God, self, and others are equally important and inter-connected.  It's time for me to do some intentional work to heal in these areas, and I'll be pretty silent on the blog for a while.  I'm not sure what this is going to look like, except that silence and intentionality will be coming into play quite a lot.   

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

From one of my favorite Christmas carols, O Holy Night: 

...Long lay the world in sin and error pining

Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new glorious morn...

Do you feel your worth?  Do you know how much you are worth?  A new, glorious morn...a new way of doing things...a new way of seeing ourselves...a new way of being loved that had never existed before came into being.  Love incarnated.  

It's time for me and my soul to feel my own worth. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John 1:14 

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXXII)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.  

~1~

Modern Dinner Party.

I posted outside of my normal Friday 7QT earlier this week to tell a story about a recent dinner party we attended.  Political affiliations and salaries were discussed.  Awkward?  Yes.  As the days continue to pass, it's still on my mind, so I know it must have bothered me.  It only recently occurred to me that perhaps I had differing political views from everyone else because I am in a different tax bracket/economic status.  Le sigh.

What do you think?  Is every topic of discussion fair game these days?

~2~

Introvert Offices.  

I'm a introvert who loves people.  (Hello, fellow INFJs.)  One of the frustrations of my job is that I don't interact with others as much as I'd like.  On other hand, working in a cubicle that has no door and is "exposed" to passersby 100% of the time is also draining to me as an introvert, not to mention that there is absolutely no ambiance.  I realized that my "alone time" at works comes...during my bathroom breaks.  Even though it's not a private bathroom (i.e., there are stalls), having a DOOR to close and not be bothered or seen by anyone else is a relief.

Here's the glorious view out my cubicle doorway.  No view of the outside world, but 100% view of me anytime anyone walks by.  I can't take a lunch break without interruption, so I usually leave for lunch.  I can't speak with anyone in the cubicle without everyone overhearing me.  This is bothersome to me.  It doesn't seem to bother my coworkers, who have discussed everything from their child's divorce to their cat's special food to their own prescriptions within earshot of others in our cubicle world.  (True stories.)  Study after study has proven that open concept office spaces are not as effective, not just for introverts, but for all employees.  But, they do seem to prevail in our modern day workplaces.

Oh well.  I shall survive.    

FYI - For Your Inspiration Information

~3~

Relics. 

As part of the Year of Mercy, Pope Francis sent Saint Maria Goretti on a voyage around the world. We were fortunate enough to see the relic in person last week.  I had never heard of her before, but the story is amazing.  She not only forgave her attempted rapist and murderer, but her mother then adopted him.  The mother forgave him too.  He had a vision of St. Maria Goretti forgiving him, which led him to repent and turn his life around (up until then, he had been a violent inmate and claimed innocence in the crime.)  He then forgave himself.    

Here is a video which details some of the same information I learned that night.

I have to say, as a Catholic convert, this kind of thing really rubs against my natural sensibilities.  I can see how those who do not understand think that we are being superstitious or taking away from God's glory or being pagan.  I was thrilled that so many thousands of people would take the time to pay respects to a saint, but I felt like one of those "crazy Catholics."  I do believe in the communion of saints, and I think St. Maria Goretti's story is very powerful.  I feel sometimes like immigrants must feel in their adopted homelands.  I doesn't come naturally to do things like this, but I believe it's true. Amid the huge crowd, the hours in line, the loud people speaking English and Spanish and Vietnamese (which was distracting from the atmosphere of prayer, to be sure), I still know God was there.

Yes, Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief.   

St. Maria Goretti - pray for us!

I have a new favorite for my personal litany of saints, the Little Saint of Great Mercy.

~4~

Self-Hatred.

When God speaks to me, He has to be very clear, or I just don't get it.

It wasn't until earlier this year that I realized the voice of self-hatred and condemnation, even if it's your own inner voice, is not of God.  If it's not from God, then who is it from?  The enemy.  Plain and simple as that.  I learned this from Fr. Timothy Gallagher and from Deacon James Keating as I read and listened to talks about spiritual discernment and marriage.  It was a powerful revelation.  My "self-talk" has always been extremely negative.  I would never speak to anyone else out loud the way I am accustomed to inner self-talk.

Well, within 10 days, I have gotten three separate messages about self-hatred being of the enemy. The first was Fr. Robert Barron's series about The Mystery of God.  In discussing the Trinity, he talks about the idea that as God knows Himself in the Son, the only proper response is to love, which is the Spirit.  (This is originally from Aquinas or Augustine, I believe.)  In a similar way, as we learn who we truly are, in Christ, the only natural response is to love ourselves (in a healthy, balanced way).

Next, our priest gave an excellent homily on All Saints Day.  While the focus of the homily was not self-love, he made a remark in passing that struck me.  To end up in hell is to end up in self-hatred. In other words, when you end up in hell, it is because you have disobeyed God.  One of the primary ways we do that is to reject his divine design, the goodness we are created for and to live according to our own designs.  It's idolatry, essentially.  And, as the good priest said, in not following God's design, you aren't your truest self.  And hell is the culmination of such self-hatred.

Finally, the homily at the mass surrounding the viewing of the relics of St. Maria Goretti... The priest instructed us on how to pray when we venerated the relic.  This is a saint of great mercy and forgiveness.  He told us to pray something like, "Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of St. Maria Goretti and in your name, I forgive (so and so) for doing (such and such) to me."  But, then he made an excellent point.  St. Maria Goretti's murderer and attempted rapist had a vision of her forgiveness.  He had a vision of God's forgiveness.  But, had he not also forgiven himself, he could have never lived the rest of his life in peace.  So, we were also instructed to pray, "Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of St. Maria Goretti and in your name, I forgive myself for doing (everything you are most ashamed of)."  This piece of the forgiveness puzzle is absolutely crucial.

It was the third confirmation within 10 days that God does not want me to hate myself.  My husband squeezed my hand when the priest said that, knowing the journey I'm on.  And a tear fell from my eye.  I knew it was a message for me.

Let us all be free.  Let us all forgive others and ourselves.  Lay it down at the foot of the cross and leave it there.

~5~

Old Friends.

I've had an old friend in town this week.  It's been great to catch up.  Funny how it's easier to pick up where you left off with some people than it is with other people.  I'm grateful to know such interesting and brilliant people.  This friend of mine is an English professor. We ate lunch together. Then after work, we went to an amazing art exhibit with my husband and then dinner all together.  I miss being able to talk about society, the arts, and ideas with people the way I can with this friend of mine.  He's a deep thinker and very insightful.  He also said that he wished he had friends like myself and my husband back home.  I guess the feeling is mutual.  

~6~

Snake. 

This is not a metaphor of any kind...there was a snake in our office yesterday morning.  This is not a drill.  I repeat: a snake in the office.  

It's gone now.  It was caught and taken outside, but my-oh-my, I could not concentrate until it was removed.  EEK!!!!!!

As Jim Gaffigan says, "I'm what you call...indoors-y."

I found this hilarious image on Etsy

~7~

Happy feast of St. Frances Xavier Cabrini, who said:
"Love and God will take care of the rest."  

St. Frances Xavier Cabrini, pray for us!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Have a great weekend!

The Modern Dinner Party

We were happy to be guests last weekend for a dinner party held by someone from our church.  She invited several of us in the young adult class (some married, some single) to dinner at her house.  Our favorite priest was also there.  Plus, we've wanted to connect more with these same people and have more of a sense of community, especially among other young married couples.

Everything was fine and dandy (in my book) until the host said that it was time for us, one by one, to go around the dinner table and reveal who we were planning to vote for.  My husband was wise and said he hadn't decided yet and wasn't informed enough yet (which is true).  I was the only person at the table to say I really liked a person from one certain political party.  Every single other person at dinner really liked candidates from the opposite party.  I am a registered independent voter.  I have to admit, I'm pretty cynical about politics.  I, too, feel not as informed as I hope to be on election day. I'm also weary of the whole thing and not very loyal to any specific party.  I care more about individuals and certain issues.  Narrow the field down to two candidates, then I'll select the lesser of two evils.  I don't have a lot of faith that electing certain people will completely change our country or our life.  We feel pretty divided as a nation, to me.  And, I also feel cynical that even if a bunch of changes are pushed through with one president, they might be overturned by the next one or by Congress. It makes me very pessimistic.  That's how I feel about politics.  If I could refrain from voting in good conscience, I would.  I vote because I feel a moral obligation to.

Well, you could have heard crickets at this point in the dinner party.  The host's husband (jokingly) told me that I could see my way out when I gave my answer.  "There's the door," he said.  I tried to take it all in stride, but this conversation led to about 30 more minutes of political discussion, some of it directed at my supposedly faulty notions.  I noticed our priest stopped talking after giving his answer.

"So, Bridget, how's your love life?  Why are there so many women your age still single?"

*If you've seen Bridget Jones, this is exactly how I felt when answering the political question.*

After that point, the conversation then turned to...how much money people in our given professions make. While we weren't required to go around the table and give answers to that question directly, several of the people there gave their two cents.  Suffice it to say that as a person working in higher education, married to an artist, I now know for a fact that we make way less money than everyone else there, except for the priest..not that we revealed that information.  But most others there felt free to say a "starting salary" in their field is in the range of X-Y.  I, for one, had sticker shock.  Of note, after about 30 minutes of silence during the political discussion and making a joke about his salary, our priest promptly left.

So, is this conversation in bad form?  I know that politics and religion are not the most politically correct topics to discuss.  However, the only way we know one another is from sharing a religion, so maybe our host figured politics wasn't a big jump.  But...delving in to how much money people make?!  I thought it was tacky and embarrassing...maybe because, aside from the priest, we were clearly the lowest earners there.  I'd wager to guess that I have more degrees than anyone at that table, but no one ever gets degrees in music for the sake of earning lots of money.  Still, it left an odd taste in my mouth.

I really believe that our host is someone who likes to talk about controversial things.  She has no problem disagreeing with people, and in fact, I think that's how she naturally communicates.  It's difficult for someone like me not to take it personally when she disagrees with every statement I make.  Gretchen Rubin would say that she is someone who uses oppositional conversation style. While I still find this conversational style a bit exhausting, I do understand it better with this paradigm in mind and try to accept this person the way she is.

I don't know how much money my friends, or even family members, make.  I'm sure, like a person's age or weight, you could probably make an educated guess.  After last weekend, my notions of what the average person makes should probably be multiplied by two or three.  I do tend to know people's political leanings, not from asking directly, but because they share their views as related to certain issues, current events, as it naturally arises in conversation, or from their blatant posts on Facebook.  Maybe I would feel differently about the whole evening if I agreed with everyone else's politics or if I made a much higher salary in alignment with theirs (three to five times the salary I do.)

But, still...is it okay to discuss who you're voting for and how much money you make, even among friends?

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXXI)

I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you Seven Quick Takes from my world this week.  

~1~

Litany of Saints.

You might be Catholic if...
...you don't think one day is enough to commemorate all the saints in your life (both official canonized Saints and friends or relatives that you're sure are saints).  Thank goodness, the Church uses the entire month of November to reflect on this topic, remember the dead, and pray for them.  I love the communion of saints.  As a convert, this is something that brings so much more fullness to the body of Christ for me.  Having unity with believers of all ages - past, present, future - believers in all states of being - militant, suffering, triumphant - is amazing.  Having examples that bridge the gap between the stories of the Bible and ancient times and the modern world, people to whom I can relate.  The stories are so varied.  

I heard someone recommend once that each person should build their own Litany of Saints...not just your confirmation name or the Blessed Mother or your middle name (if it's Christian), but all the saints who are dear to you.  If you don't have a growing list of favorites, get to reading and learning about the lives of the saints.  They are our allies, our friends, our advocates, our family.  They are fascinating, diverse, brilliant, humble, and encompass nearly any and every walk of life.  

If you know anyone who has passed away (and we all do), then make sure to pray for them.  Maybe they were holy and you think they went straight to heaven, pray for them anyway.  Thank God for their lives, the love they showed you, their example.  Ask God to have mercy on them and bring them to Himself, if He hasn't already.  If they're already in heaven (and only God knows), ask God to apply those prayers to all those in purgatory.  Ask them to pray for you, but pray for them too.  Do not lose hope for those loved ones who may have lived less-than-faithful lives.

St. Cecilia...
St. Therese of Liseaux...
St. Louis and St. Zelie Martin...
St. Benedict...
St. Anthony...
St. Dymphna...
St. Frances of Rome...
St. Vincent de Paul...
St. Rita...
St. Faustina...

All the angels and saints...

...Pray for us.

~2~

Manna.

"Don't speak against the provision of God."

I heard a nice reflection on gratitude that I really needed to hear.  God provides for us, just as He provided manna from heaven.  Eventually, they got sick of the manna and complained about it.  Don't we do the same thing?

"Another day at the office?"
"Another diaper to change?"
"Another run to the grocery store?"

Whatever the case may be or the cross to bear, be grateful for the provision God has given you.  Don't bite the hand that feeds you.  (I'm saying this to remind myself, too.)

Sometimes we need relief, help, or sometimes we need a big change.  But, be grateful for what you have.

~3~

Decorating.  

I love decorating the inside of our house (much more than maintaining the outside).  I don't know that I'm good at it, but I have specific ideas of what I like and what I don't.  I have always wanted my home to radiate peace and to reflect our faith, while not feeling like a museum.  

Jen, over at Graceful Living at Home compiled a list of some of the best decorating websites around, including her own.  Follow, click, add to blogroll, like, etc.  It'll give you a great list of inspiration if you like this kind of thing the way I do.

~4~

10 Tips for Online Behavior.

I guess it's link week on my 7 Quick Takes.  But, seriously...online behavior seems to have taken a down turn, and this article is a good reminder.  It's enough that I'm considering deleting Facebook, Instagram, this blog, etc.  We all need a few reminders that behavior online doesn't get a "pass."  Just because it's behind a screen doesn't mean it's meaningless or a way of getting by with bad behavior.  Especially as Catholics, keep in mind that others are watching how we treat each other, how we speak of the Church, and how welcoming (or unwelcoming) we are.  Food for thought.  

~5~

Jennifer Fulwiler referenced this long ago on her blog, and it's FABULOUS.  A “Decalogue for Daily Living” from none other than Pope John XXIII.  Such wisdom here.  

1. Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.


2. Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.


3. Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.


4. Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.


5. Only for today, I will devote ten minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.


6. Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.


7. Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure no one notices.


8. Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.


9. Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.


10. Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for twelve hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

~6~

The Battle Is Real.

Apparently there are those people out there who don't think the devil is real. While I don't want to give too much emphasis on ole' hairy legs or make him an evil equivalent to God (keep in mind he is a created, fallen angel)...I think it's dangerous to think he doesn't exist at all, to play with things that are condemned by the Church, or to otherwise be unaware. 

There is an enemy to all that is good. There is a spirit of resistance, self-hatred, and condemnation. It's a voice I know all too well.  Stay in a state of grace as best you can (by God's grace), use sacramentals, say your prayers, and of course, Carry On.  We are the victors in Christ.

**Note, I had a hyperlink, which I later removed because the article disappeared, and the website no longer exists.**

~7~

This is your daily reminder to TRUST YOURSELF...

And, in the spirit of offering basically nothing original this week on my seven quick takes, you simply must read the meditation that Elizabeth Esther posted on her Facebook page on November 4.  It was so good that I copied and pasted it to re-read over and over later as a prayer.  I feel like I need to meditate on this daily until it becomes second nature.  She thoroughly explains how to overcome some extremely damaging teaching that many of us were exposed to.  It really resonated with me, and it might with you.

Here is a copy of the text of what she said:

This is your daily reminder to TRUST YOURSELF. Growing up, I was actively taught NOT to trust myself because my heart was "desperately wicked" and everything I was feeling was suspect and that the only way I could know the truth was by checking in with the authority figures. When something bad happened to me, nobody believed me. "What? That didn't happen!" they'd say or "You're exaggerating!" or "Stop trying to get attention!" This is what I learned: that I wasn't trustworthy, that I couldn't even trust MY experience, that what I felt and thought could only be understood through the filter of other people. So I learned to repress my feelings, to push down my memories, to pretend that what was killing me wasn't really killing me.

WHAT I KNOW NOW: I can trust myself. When something feels bad, I am allowed to say "that hurts" or "that makes me feel bad" or "that makes me uncomfortable." I am also allowed to do what I need to do to make myself feel safe. If someone is making me feel unsafe, I am allowed to protect myself. And I don't "OWE" anyone an explanation for that.

I AM ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES: not trusting myself meant I was hyper-vigilant about not making mistakes, not messing up. Inevitably, I *would* make mistakes and then I would go into a terrifying SHAME SPIRAL and believe I was the worst possible person in the whole world. Vile. Evil. Basically, a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was "bad" and making mistakes PROVED I was untrustworthy and bad.

WHAT I KNOW NOW: everyone makes mistakes. It's ok. It's what I DO with the mistakes that matters. Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a "bad" person. It means I'm human. I get to experience the natural consequences of my mistakes just like everyone else. I'm no better and no worse than other people. And above all, I am loved. Making mistakes doesn't mean I'm not trustworthy. It just means I get another opportunity to learn how to live my life.

I have a select few people with whom I trust my whole self. I listen to them. When I've gone off the rails, I know they'll be honest with me. But they'll be gentle about it, too. They won't blame or shame me. They won't bash me. And they'll always affirm their love for me. How did I get these good friends? By being a good friend TO MYSELF. By being whimsical and light with myself. OOPS, I did it again. Pick myself up, brush myself off, start again. Yep, I messed up. That's ok. The sun will rise again tomorrow. Take a warm bath, say sorry, eat a cookie and give it to God. Go to sleep. You're a good person because God only makes good things. xo. EE.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As a reminder, heaven is our destiny.  May we not forget what we were made for, who we are meant to be.  All the angels and saints, pray for us!

7QT: Seven Quick Takes (Volume XXX)

 I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum to bring you seven quick takes from my world this week.

~1~

There, but for the grace of God, go I. 

There are lots of situations that phrase can apply to, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."  I'm not an alcoholic or a drug addict.  I didn't hurt anyone the times I have driven after drinking.  I didn't find myself in a marriage that didn't work.  Just like Mary was saved from original and actual sin before it happened (by her Immaculate Conception), I've been saved from a lot of stuff before it happened.

But one that really struck a nerve with me this week was in Verily magazine: I Donated My Eggs, and I Regret It.  I didn't donate my eggs, but I almost did.

I was in graduate school, and extremely poor.  While I had a teaching assistantship and an outside job, I still made less than $10,000/year and worked or went to school all the time.  The cost of living was low, and at the time, I had $0 debt, so I was able to make it work without even going into debt by the end of it.  However, there were ads in our school newspaper that called for egg donors.  You could make really good money, like several thousand dollars (and this was about 10+ years ago).  They preferred women below 30 who were healthy, smart, etc.  It seemed easy, like I could do some good for society and make some money.  So, I applied to donate my eggs.  I filled out all the paperwork about my background, personal health, social history, intelligence, family history, etc.  I also sent a picture, which was required.  At the time I thought, this is a win-win.  I could make some money as a poor graduate student, and these strangers could have a child.  I wasn't sure I wanted children at the time.  I wasn't Catholic, there were no moral dilemmas.  To me, it seemed about as difficult as taking some hormones for a few months, then cha-ching, get the cash.  I had taken the BC pill with no obvious side-effects, and so I thought it would be similar.

Well, thank God, along the way, something inside me made me hesitate.  I thought about having offspring I didn't even know about roaming the world.  Someone with my nose or my walk or my cheeks...that I didn't know personally or possibly didn't even know existed.  I thought about running into them years later, and something made me hesitate.

I went so far as to apply and talk to the agency on the phone several times.  I'm not a model or anything, but I do have a very high IQ and was very healthy at the time.  I fit their criteria. I think that made me appealing to the prospects, and I was poised to take the first steps with the agency.

Eventually I stopped taking their phone calls and didn't go through with it.  I figured, I was making it on my tiny salary.  It would be nice to have the extra cash, but I didn't need it.  And there was that hesitation.

A few years later, I remember sitting in Catholic Church when from the pulpit, it was mentioned in the homily that surrogate parenting, IVF, and using these types of technologies for reproduction was immoral.  It's the first I'd ever heard that.  While I was skeptical and still not Catholic at the time, I thought, "Well, at least I didn't do it, one less thing to worry about."

Fast forward to now, and I thank God I didn't do it.  I understand now that it violates the sexual act and natural law.  I know about Theology of the Body and practice NFP now.  As much as I feel for infertile couples, I do understand the greater ramifications that such an immoral action would have had.  They are now finding that there are major problems with the hormones given to such donors, not to mention the angst explained in the link about creating a human life that you are separated from. There are alternatives, such as NaPro technology, which work with our bodies instead of against them.

A quote (questionably attributed to Albert Einstein), "I fear the day when technology has surpassed our humanity."  Whether he said it or not, we have arrived at that day.

~2~      

Conversion. 

I love a good conversion story.  Head over to The Heart's Overflow to read several of them compiled recently: Volume I, Volume II.  I really enjoy seeing how God works in everyone in a way they can perceive.  Every conversion story is so different and interesting.  

 ~3~

Sanity, Sanctity and Sexuality.

This article by Father Dwight Longenecker talks about how saints are a balance of masculinity and femininity because they are a picture of what we will all be in heaven.  They are not effeminate men, aggressive females, nor are they asexual.  They are not macho men or Barbie doll girls, but they are a completed fulfillment of what we are meant to be as humans. 

I thought it was a rather profound and fascinating article. I never felt like I fit the stereotypical female.  I'm an introvert, I hate the color pink, and I never played with Barbies.  My husband doesn't fit the stereotypical male, either.  He's extremely expressive and emotional, he hates football, and he's a great cook.  I realize these sound like really superficial reasons for not being traditionally masculine or feminine, and that's exactly my point.  They are superficial ways of measuring that.  We don't really fit the superficial mold, not that we are just walking saints who are fully integrated like the people Fr. Dwight Longenecker references.  But, this article gave me hope that by accepting myself and growing in holiness, I will actually grow in what it means to be a woman.

With Theology of the Body and my Catholic faith, I'm trying to figure out what exactly it means to be a woman.  It has always been a confusing and conflicting thing for me. Don't get me wrong, I definitely identify as female, but I don't feel like I have good female role models - I've got a lot of secular feminist examples and doormat "submissive" Protestants in my background.  Isn't there a happy, healthy medium of what it means to be a woman?

What is authentic, Catholic femininity?

~4~

Nuts. 

My coworkers lately are driving me nuts.  I don't have a holy stamp to put on that, or a way to redeem it and say that I see Christ in them.  I don't.  I'm just annoyed and have to figure out some ways to deal with it.

In the words of Miranda Preistly from Devil Wears Prada, "That's all."

~5~

Halloween / Reformation Sunday.  

We don't have kids and won't be passing out candy this year, but Halloween weekend coincides with "Reformation Sunday."  This is the day when Protestant churches gloat about the fact that they aren't Catholic.  To be honest, it breaks my heart.  Whether they vocalize it or not, they'll be saying, "Thank God we aren't like those people.  If it weren't for Martin Luther, we wouldn't know how important the Bible is, or how wrong Rome is, or what the "real gospel" is."  This year is the 500 year anniversary of the Protestant revolt.  

This is not Christian unity.  As they sing "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God," the misunderstandings just get deeper and deeper, the chasm between Protestants and Catholics just gets larger, myths against the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church just perpetuate.

I used to think that all the denominations were just part of a beautiful tapestry, that none of us had the complete truth, but that together, we did.  Now, I see the thousands of "denominations" as a vast misunderstanding of what Christ wanted for us as his followers, which has resulted in chaos, confusion, division, and yes, hate.*

*If you think Protestants don't hate Catholics anymore, you should meet some of my family members.  (Yes, I know most aren't like that.  And, yes, I'm sure there are hateful Catholics too.)

Called to Communion is a great website that answers a lot of the objections of Protestantism to Catholicism.  David Anders points out that Calvin and Luther would not recognize modern Protestantism, and that the Evangelical Christian churches do not adhere to the teachings of early Reformation leaders.  This study led him into the Catholic Church.

Al Kresta's show, Kresta in the Afternoon, on 10/28/2015 in Hour 2 addressed this really well.  Take a listen here if you'd like.  He discusses this in an historical, balanced way, but doesn't have time to go into too much depth.  

~6~

Weekend. 

Speaking of the weekend, I am planning a surprise "stay-cation" for my husband and myself this weekend.  We are re-visiting a hotel we stayed at for the beginning of our honeymoon last year (before leaving for the rest of our honeymoon) and going to eat at a cool restaurant in the area that we ate at right after getting married last year.  It's only a few miles from our house, but a little fancy.  We haven't been to either place since then.  I got a discounted rate, and we have the free time plus an extra hour of sleep.  I've devised some rhyming clues to tell him where we're going...but not until Saturday.  Should be fun!

~7~

Mutlipotentialite.

Call us Renaissance persons or... multipotentialites.  I just watched this Ted Talk by Emilie Wapnick, and it really resonated.  If you've ever felt like you "missed your calling" because you didn't want to do just one thing with your life or were good at more than one thing or had very diverse interests...you might be a multipotentialite.  

I have degrees in music and in a foreign language.  I have worked in the music industry, higher education, and for the church (both Catholic and Protestant churches).  I currently work in higher education in a job description that seeks someone with a computer science background.  Sometimes I have an existential crisis because I feel like I should be doing more in music.  I also am interested in possibly getting another (fifth) degree...this time in Theology.  Due to my personality (an INF/TJ), I tend to be obsessed with something or completely uninterested in something.  Emilie says "follow your curiosity down those rabbit holes..."  My profile on this very blog says, "I believe that following those little rabbit trails of interest can sometimes lead you to your destiny..."  

Idea Synthesis, Rapid Learning, Adaptability are three skills Emilie identifies in multipotentialites.  

Wow...soo I think I'm a multipotentialite.  Emilie divides the population into specialists and multipotentialite.  As the latter, I have to say that I think I'm a specialist in multiple areas, or a specialist for a limited time in many areas before moving on.  What about you?  Does this understanding make sense for you or someone you know?   

Anyway, another fascinating look at humanity.  I love Ted Talks! 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Have a wonderful weekend.

From this morning's Divine Office:

"Let us adore Christ who offered himself to the Father through the Holy Spirit to cleanse us from the works of death. Let us adore him and call upon him with sincere hearts: 

In your will is our peace, Lord."